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Old 08-01-05, 08:50 AM   #1
DQ
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Paroxysm vs. ~Lady Fiya~

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You can find the rules if you follow this link: !Rules! Read em...

Check in by Wednesday
Pieces due by Friday
Voting closes by Sunday

Topic: Paradise Lost
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Old 08-01-05, 10:12 AM   #2
Paroxysm
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Checkin In........... G'Luck Lady Fiya
 
Old 08-01-05, 12:39 PM   #3
~Lady Fiya~
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checking................ good luck to you too..
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Old 08-05-05, 04:32 PM   #4
Paroxysm
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"Paradise Can Be Lost, But through the almighty lord it is always still near" - Kelly Hillebrand

lights out! my son gave a slight growl he’d resist concern
with quite doubt, a night owl who would twist and turn
the gist to learn, patience is virtue a much needed trait
bad relations will hurt you, not lead to a succeeded fate
but heed debate, a heathen state has no place in this home
God’s taken his throne, & my child may he make him his own
Shakin’, fits prone.. Michael was known to start trouble
Achin’ with moans, until he passed out from heart trouble
Inside a large bubble, most of his time was spent hurtin
Behind a bent curtain, quarantined while a vent spurtin
Clean air, wasn’t meant certain, remedy for slowing cancer
Or these growing plants were, ‘special’ cures even flowing chants sir
Sure knowing answers, would be better than hocus pocus
Or lotus, roses, look closely to see what the joke is, notice?
True focus poses, questions at the closest sections sessions
Reckon the oppression left him when God’s corrections blessed him
They’d inspect n check him, but then he was later cleared
We prayed & cheered, as I saw a man with the longest layered beard
So gray appeared to be ancient at least, but dressed in a pressed suit
Vest & the best boots, he sanctioned a feast we as guests couldn’t protest to
The fun fest proved, quite a story the man had shown me tons
As his deep tone begun to change to that of a lonely one
For his only son, had died, it’s the soul reason why mine will live
My mind will lift this name on high for his final gift
I walked with this gent, got lost in his scent, came to know him well
Aimed to show n tell, everyone how life was goin’ swell
Not because I owed him hell he loved me, my family n friends
He cared vastly, for aunt Claire, Cathy, brothers Stanley n Ken
The manliest men, showed him respect and uncommon courtesies
My son learned a lot from the mans psalms n words to me
Months passed, such calm then burglary, was quickly caught in panic
No lights were on, mike was gone but he had often vanished
Gave it a thought then ran quick.. to the phone to call around
Maybe he’d roamed & fallen down, or left home for the mall in town
But then I realized, even when me and the man went our separate ways
Michael left for days to spend with him and always kept in praise
Of his depth, his phrase, amazed he stayed in such high hopes
When I feared his spirits would fall like mine but mike copes
Even though he’s sick again and witnessin his fast death is rugged
For a single mother who would give her last breath to sub his
All she has left beloved… a collection of doves split from her window seal
And in those heels she darted to the phone for some info still
None came, one ring after another.. each time I’d shake n groan
As each moment slowly went then silence would break in tone
No service, as I heard this I knew he was stolen from me
And worried myself sick over him being cold n hungry
I had watched half the sun set against the backdrop fast
One last hot gasp as I looked past the black top cracked
And that wrought fact, my boy was ill, diseases breakin his bones
The truth all along was God almighty had taken him home
I’d forsaken alone, Michael followed til the end then prayed for a beckon
The lord’s number was never disconnected I just strayed for a second
 
Old 08-05-05, 06:49 PM   #5
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Old 08-05-05, 11:53 PM   #6
Incineratedrose
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Hes mine!

dont do it Brian!

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Old 08-06-05, 01:11 AM   #7
~Lady Fiya~
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“The time will come in our lives where our souls return to it’s solid rest.
Peace, a common word, is what no dictionary can define in terms of death.”
-Lady Fiya

An ‘04 Mustang cruising on the highway.... he was on his way
Home from college vacation and that occasion was winter break
All of his personal belongings were stationed perfectly in a suitcase
aside him as he drives on the E-way, his friend went a separate way
Bright lights flickered thru his rearview mirror.. “Impatient drivers!”
He says to himself as he switch to the left lane, his path got lighter
Quickly turning his back to view the drunken man swerving left
Then right, to avoid the coin toss of a bad outcome, he had sped
Tires screeching, he’s not worryin cuz nothing flashed before his eyes
Then his abdomen split, his diaphragm took the breath out his life
What could he do? The airbag was jammed in his neck, abrasions
on his face, which was in the same direction of the crash, he faced it

Not too long, after this common tragedy did an ambulance arrive
Months and months pass and many others confront, his family’s dying
Of grief and disbelieve that someone so close perishes and remotely
every time I hear that story, he told me in my ear, I space out coldly
He took me to his purgatory twice, invited me to take away his sins
And place a bid on up or down, I reminisce how his coin musta flipped
And God forbid the gates to open to him, cuz he wouldn’t walk around
So lonely, so down as if he was inside my body, he was lost never found
And what do I do now, just move on like the spirit has been keep silent
Well my eyes stay lit, it’s quit surprising, your sweet tone becomes violent
And ready to rise up against the Almighty.. Couldn’t YOU give him a chance
And not issue a permanent purgatory, his sins were just too much to stand
So in return I give you mine, this is your child, your divine one, Heavenly
I ask of nothing more than to give him back all of what you keep given me
I’d trade spots easily, combine every sin he has with mine, I always repent
Make this worth your time, he’s my blessing can you give me your consent
Cuz as of that day, I looked at the Bible sideways, I never dreamed paradise
Could exist and his life drawn more shock then blood and tears in my eyes
But I see you have ignored your one child, I continue to question your power
You can take lives away but never bring them back, when I asked for hours
You said I shall receive, it’s the minutes ticking away til my death, I plead
And remain on my knees til you show me the reason, my mouth’s ur to feed
I’m not concerned on the preachers decision to not give him Catholic burial
If Heaven's a paradise when he died, he shoulda had a seat next to you…

Good Luck.
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Old 08-06-05, 11:04 AM   #8
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I dunno bout time zones or nothing, mine is in GMT+2 and if I count it out she dropped in time so...

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Old 08-06-05, 11:13 AM   #9
FlowIntelligent.
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Paroxysm:

Great verse. You are definately a dope topical writer. Your emotion was perfect, imagery was good. You were very creative, yet kept it simple enough to be a great piece. Vocabulary was good, as was your wordplay. I liked how you mused alot of multies. Not many people can get away with doing that in topicals but you did it well. Great piece.

Overall: 9.4/10


Lady Fiya:

You also had a good drop. Your emotion was good as was your imagery. You were creative and wrote this topic very well. Your imagery stood out the most for me though, it was everywhere. Which is good, you stayed on topic and dropped a good piece.

Overall: 8.8/10


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Old 08-06-05, 11:17 AM   #10
Dervla
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Paroxysm- I'm Impressed. This was good verse. Had vocab balanced in your piece. The Imagery was very well portrait in every detail. In my opinion the best aspect in your verse was the "Imagery". You had a Bit of emotion, but I suggest to you to use more. Metaphors and Similies is much needed in your verse to expand the complex in the imagery, so you wont have to put down much detail, but more of a clear vivid portrait. I like this Decent Verse.

Lady Fiya- You had a "Knowing" Verse, someone going to die in heaven lost paradise, which is Ok concept, but be very much more creative than that, go beyond. Anyway's You had a good verse imagery was good. The Emotion was there, but not that much. The best aspect in your verse was "Imagery". The style you took was a "Story-Like", but Kinda not original concept though.


Overall- My Vote goes to Paraoxysm, he had a good verse, very much a better concept, better imagery (Very Detailed). Lady fiya you had a good verse, but the imagery wasn't very much detailed like paraoxyms, also I didnt like the concept you took, wasn't very much creative. V/ Paraoxysm.
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Old 08-07-05, 11:06 AM   #11
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Paroxysm

Excellent piece. First of all I love the concept you went with and the overall approach you took to this topic. Your writing style is captivating for it seems so simple yet has such a poetic vibe over it. The flow was good because you had rather short lines and the multies were consistent, internal rhyming blended in nicely. The vocab was on point: not too basic and not too complex either. Good creativity combined with pure emotion and strong imagery, you managed to really get inside reader's mind and keep them focused throughout the entire piece. Props...


~Lady Fiya~

Maybe not as creative as Paroxysm's approach but still worked out very nicely. The storyline you went with was interesting and allowed you to combine imagery and emotion quite easily. Which you managed very good as well, the first part was strongest on imagery where as the second part had such a pure emotion. You kept consistent with strong and insightful lines, I didn't so much feel a poetic vibe but more a serene yet at the same time powerful vibe from your piece. Made me think about some stuff throughout your lines which is always a good thing. Flow was kinda off here and there but overall okay. Vocab was on point as well.

In the end, my vote goes to Paroxysm because I felt his approach a bit more and the poetic feeling his piece had. LF, nice piece as well, good storyline so no hate...
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Old 08-08-05, 07:28 AM   #12
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Paroxysm wins and advances to the second round
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