first of all dont bve ignorant and think that destiney is just a cute name actually FOLLOW THE STORY

The Lifespan

Destiney’s mind screams...mid heat passion...the colors of their skin clashin.....
she's so trustin....meanwhile the rubbers bustin... he says don't worry babygurl it’ll all be ok...
she's lost in the words ....found in the path to their love...
2 months later he don't love her no more...kicked her ass out the door...she moves back home with momma...not knowing that ahead lies trauma.....
gets herself a job....working 9 to 5 ....thanks the lord each night that she's alive.....misses her bleed...she's in trouble for real indeed....
heads to the clinic 2 months later...gets some static walking through the door.....labeled crack house whore....the doctor says gurl sorry but its to late to evacuate....your pregnancy has to follow through.....sorry to complicate....call this number the women their can relate.....she treds home knowing not what to do.....fukk she hasnt got a clue....the baby will be of mixed colors....her mother will cry n say you shoulda known better....daddy will say im not paying for a damn babysitter.....the daddy shes decided is the only answer.....so she knocks on his door....gets down on her knees n sobs...she screams n pleads....hoping the tears will let him kno...he slams the door in her face she's not his problem any more......

in her purse she pulls out that card that doctor gave her.....hoping by chance they will save her...she travels to a phone booth near by.....dials the numbers...as the seconds combine....her hand running over her stomach....she's feeling the...... the small movements n frowns....the answering machine says to leave a message......she's says .....she's gone.....heads to her room.....on her knees pleading to the lord to forgive her sins.....under the mattress she pulls a shoe box.....lifts the lid...her small hands feel the cold metal of the peaice...hesitates......shivers......shudders..... ..sweat is beading her forhead into a raceway for tears.....her small fingers constrict around the metal...she raises it to her head.....runs her hand over her stomach and feel s the baby kick.....pull of the trigger click.....
the blood can never be washed from the walls..... stained far to deep.......a lil gurl of 9 sits n traces the splatters with her humble fingers....grabs the photo album from the shelf......wonders why nanna said her mommy shot herself...
she’ll never understand....never comprehend what went on.......her daddy comes to pick her up to take her to school....he's grown to be a fine man now....out of resentment.....put of respect ......out of agony........
you see he tried to follow Destiny that night.....he saw her on that phone booth.....he saw her shed her tears.....
when guilt set in......he chased her to her house but hesitated at the door.....the words he looked for.......to try n be a man....to show his baby’s momma that he can understand so out side her door he stood....searching for just the right way to end her tears and make her smile.....too late that shot that rung his ears....will forever leave his soul in denial.....

iight

wow powerful story!!! and if only all guys did relise some time that they too had to grow up and be an adult because its both their faults, even if it is too late, he can still help in some form or another. this was so powerful that i was almost crying but some personal experinces that came to mind helped that some too, for you see Nyla is my child and her father i havent talked to in the past 3/4 years because he didnt know how to grow up either.

anywho while reading this poem since it had such power in it you didnt notice any flaws, it was all covered up, you become sucked in to this piece and forget everything else nice

~Tera~
DONT HATE

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FLOW: it was ok liked it for the peice but the peice its self lacked complexity, not much more to say

Wordplay: its was good, wasnt the best wasnt the worst... overall it was ok. it got the reader and kept them in it till the end. vocab was ok too...

Topic: latly Poetics scriptures is owned on this kinda drop... sad realy, need ta bring back bounce n decit n da joka...


overall: 8/10

Wow...awesome and extremely strong! I loved it . It was full of emmotion..the flow was choppy but the story in the poem itself took that over lol. I thought it was really good. Nice drop

peAce

<~~nigga needin to grow up.....truth be told i liked it..i seem to say that alot...but yea this was sumthin good....i got girls who would reely feel the shit u said knowin that...that could have been their "destiny" had they no thought shit through....besides as a lil boi hopin to be a man sumdae im hopin it doesnt take that shit fa me ta do it.....u can only elevate stay up an breathe easy....... -shi-

Whoa alot of thought and nice illustration in ya wordplay. be cool and reply to me, so i dont feel so alone

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the one that watches the watchmen:

a sad reality.....hard to believe this kind of thing happens but it's just another example of the worlds pain and misery.....the story telling in this is superb......i like the off center flow to it as well....

her daddy comes to pick her up to take her to school....he's grown to be a fine man now....out of resentment.....put of respect ......out of agony........

sad sort of irony there isn't it......too little to late would be the best way to describe it....

her small hands feel the cold metal of the peaice...hesitates......shivers......shudders..... ..sweat is beading her forhead into a raceway for tears

there is something extremely captivating about this line......lots of imagery......more than that i can also feel the emotion......my heart started racing a bit.......sad psalm sister.....the little alliteration shivers shudders sweat......well done...

runs her hand over her stomach and feel s the baby kick.....pull of the trigger click.....
the blood can never be washed from the walls..... stained far to deep.......a lil gurl of 9 sits n traces the splatters with her humble fingers

my favorite part as morbid as that may seem........not for what is said but the way you stopped and fast fowarded to the aftermath.....right away answered my question.....DID THE BABY SURVIVE?....great poem luv.......keep doing your thing....gotta love a ballad.........

respect...

Very nice. Full of emotion. It pulled me in and like file said, i forgot every thing else and kept reading. thank you for the great read. JT

thanks i appreciate it very much
this has recently grown to be one of my fave peices
despite the fact that it wasnt something i felt entirly

and proph

i cant thank you enough and the part you admired is alos my favorite

Hey Hazy..
This was an amazing piece..Kind of reminded me of my old "She's Sorry" one in Legend's, but it had a flair all its own and the twist at the end was stunning and heart wrenching. Great imagery and descriptiveness...not too much but just enough to really enthrall the readers..

"so she knocks on his door....gets down on her knees n sobs...she screams n pleads....hoping the tears will let him kno...he slams the door in her face she's not his problem any more......"

Reading that was like a kick in the stomach for me..Being a female, I can only imagine what that girl must have been going thru, and being shut out like that at the time she needed it most...horribly sad..

And also this part:
>she's in trouble for real indeed....
heads to the clinic 2 months later...gets some static walking through the door.....labeled crack house whore....the doctor says gurl sorry but its to late to evacuate....your pregnancy has to follow through.....sorry to complicate..

Whssseewww..one of my worst fears right there..This girl just had so much happen to her all at once...The "crack house whore" line really was kinda of blunt but true! I know if i was in her situation, you gotta do what you gotta do, but walking into that clinic, so young, with so many people judging you..might be just as hard as getting the abortion itself......very powerful.

I liked how you gave that kind of sad foretelling of what the child would live like in the future...Having her father but never really understanding what happened and how he in some ways was responsible for the loss of her mother...

And also..I was so glad you didn't just end this piece on her killing herself. The fact that you added that extra slap in the face, the whole "two minutes, too late" thing with the baby's daddy coming to try and help her...really extremely tragic..really gave an extra umph to the piece..made it very compelling, and unline anything i've read before..
This was a fantastic piece, Hazy..Youre great when it comes to story telling.
Keep up the good work..
Pz gyrl.

there is no REPLY in this world that i look forward to more than your's gege (tho prophit and varentago come close)

you truly are an amazing person and apprecaite all you do , all you say, and all you add to my work

shaynea

great piece...everything was there...good read...vocab an all...tight drop...but yo my comp crashed so im at school sendin you this..lol...but yo i'll try an send you that verse for the collab soon and i apoligize for being so late....peace

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Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461