Topic: ....Locked and contained.....

Due date: november 24th

Open voting....
explained votes only...

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check chek in..........hmmmmmmm.............................. .................................................. .

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Gotcha. Im Baron Btw .. Just Got My Old Name Back ..


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W o r d P e r f e c t

True Story..


God had spoken ..
.. and whilst sleeping . . she'd heard our Saviours Voice,
and gently he'd described to her his next Angel of Choice

a Maiden, Joyce .. a grandmother who put my Madness Aside,
but now she's gone & left me w. an empty Saddened Disguise,
you were my Life, my Mind. more than relative, the Good Times,
weve been through, shall Forever remain Embers of Sun Shine,
in my Young Mind. Plus i trust your Watching Over Me So,
this is Dedicated to You now, for Watching Me Grow.
For helping me become the man i never Thought Possible
For helping me to overcome life's every Tough Obstacle.
For showing me there's hope if you can make the End of the Day,
For showing me when Angers Raised, to just turn And Walk Away.
as close as we were .. i never Imagined The Day you Were Gone,
Its so lonely inside my heart .. And im struggling to Move On ..
its not even the company, cause we never Did Talk Much
its not the bond we shared .. i find im missing The Small Stuff ..
Your smile.
Your hair.
The way your eyes Would Glare &..
Your laugh.
The way you'd act.
The perfume you Enjoyed Wearing.
before you passed away, its like that played On My Mind
but now id give ANYTHING to smell that One More Time.
or to Stare in Your Eyes and just .. reminiss on old times
and be with you one last time, to say whats on my mind.
Im lost.
hoping to find your replacement, you were my Back Bone
and i swear to god ..
there's NO path i wouldnt travel to bring you Back Home.
if there's ANY form of heaven: please tell my angel That I
Loved her Dearly..
.. i never got the chance to do so, before she Passed By..
But Clearly..
our Bonds Alive. i sense ur presence though were Miles Apart
and you'll ALWAYS have a place ..

next to the Memories trapped in the Confines of my Heart.



R.I.P
I Love You Grandma.

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W o r d P e r f e c t

shit is deep right here one of the best i have read in a long time thisll be a good one lookin forward to deacons drop

hey cam i'll have my verse tomorrow...im really sorry mayne hope this isnt a big deal...i've been busy with the end of my schools semester...school needs to be my priority...tomorrow forsure...

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sacred scriptures record (5-0)

Okey doke ..


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__________________
W o r d P e r f e c t

my work will be in today...really sorry about that...i guess i jumped in this at a bad time...today is the day...

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SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)

building in a cell blocked shocked at the mystery,
unlock the misery kept inside his bodies chemistry.
and when he's by himself he has to cry to keep on living,
Reads letters from his children from far outside the prison.
And it isnt enough that he didnt pull that trigger,
just a nieghborhood fixture on the corner drinking liquer.
A two time offender who got caught up in the moment,
was close by when a robbery was operated sloppily,
somebody got shot his was fingered in the line up,
tossed into a 6x9 cell because his times up,
Fine luck, had to beat a brother on his first day,
To protect his self interests in like the worst way,
Blames the system of building jails instead of schools,
Blames religion is a sent of useless rules,
looks in the mirror yeah he blames him too.
He starts to read books of empowered resolution,
Malcom x, doctor king, mumia and issac newton,
learns that nothing worth having is ever going to be easy,
He studies philosophy while everyones watching tv,
And after 33 weeks he starts to learn the science,
See's gods hand writing there underneath the fine print,
It had been there all along just waiting for him to find it.
But he'd been blinded by his time spent trying to fight it,
but the spark ignited the fuel inside him,
And now he holds the flame that burns the brightest,
the slightest touch from the heavens can heavily change its odds,
and tip the scales to either side of the problem in our lives,
He found faith in a cage and his minds already free,
He could float through these walls far beyond what he can see.
He sees the sun as a cross that he'll carry if need be,
but ofcourse his body wants to join his soul and be free.

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SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)

WoW.........

Suprised by baron, this was a nice battle........

Baron.
A very deep,emotional piece about your grandmother
the imagery was great, and your rhyme scheme was spot on
I loved the way you got the reader involved in to the story
...a very heart felt piece........props

Deacon.
Holy christ that was fucking mesmorizing....
great story and concept, with brilliantly vivid imagery
the words wrapped around my tongue and choked it....
...that is the only way i feel i can describe it....
I felt every inch of movement and emotion running through that
piece.....great stuff..
Props

Well, two great piece's but i felt deacon took this....
Baron's was fuckin brilliant...but deacons showed
his craftsmanship with feelings and imagery...and was mesmorizing
Therefore i vote Deacon.....Massive props to both

These peices were definitly on another level. Hm...

Baron's, while a freeverse, was more technicly sound. Deacons, your's got sloppy with things like not capitilizing certain words, and certain lines being choppy seemingly due to a missing word entirely. On the other hand, you also kept it clear, concise, and in a systematic format that stayed the same throughout the entire peice. Baron's, your's went with lines that at times were composed of only a few words. While that is acceptable, it's had an effect to me of lack of expression and ideas.

As for the emotional and expressive side of things. Well, I can honestly feel I can relate to both peices. Too an extent. I have a grandmother, but she has yet to die. And I've felt like I've been in prison and eventually found truth to anthropology. For the subject line, I see how both worked. Baron had feelings locked and contained in his heart, whilst Deacon had a character who was literally locked and contained.

I feel that, however, with Baron, you could have gone so much further with your peice. It just seemed way too complacent as well as.. well.. conventional. Kind of like a peice most anyone would write.

Deacon's, well, your's had a bit of innovation to it But to be honest, it aint nothing I aint never seen before.

For that I guess I'm going with deacon on this. But hey, much respect to both.

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Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

Bleh .. do you guys not know what writers voice, rhyming couplets etc are ? Im sorry if it seems like im bitching, but they dont seem to grasp the aspects of writing at all. Im posting this elsewhere ..

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W o r d P e r f e c t

alright. this was a nice battle...i guess....lol....

after reading both poems over and over, ive decided Baron took it by drawing me in more while i read. VERY CLOSE battle.. nice title. 1

me and emcee are on bad terms...you never even post poetry..that count is unjust..just being truthful...dont count..

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SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
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