my dream
 

yo
only in a dream, my dream will come ture
please listen to this god this one is for you
my dream is about no war and no one killin
no more bad reasons for any muthers cryin

in my dream everyone is happy and kind
no reason for people 2 sit down & unwind
a place where nobody has a reason 2 be fined
my girl would be back,she was so bright she shined
everyone would work well together not fight
be cool to each other not treat people like shite
no one screaming no more no one full of spite
every day would be bright no need for night

only in a dream, my dream will come ture
please listen to this god this one is for you
my dream is about no war and no one killin
no more bad reasons for any muthers cryin

my world would be full of food, no hunger
no-one would get old they would stay younger
you could eat wut you want but still stay fit
thats good for you, you woulnt be a fat shit
you could stay up all night no need for sleep
better than my nersary shit? i made this more deep
no-one would start swearin no bleeping bleep
thats the promise hard gays would have to keep

yo waaz dat better

yo reply if u like or not or dont care

reply

replyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

repppplllllllyyyyyyy

please reply

replyyyy

you need to expand on ya scheme... dont jus rhyme the last words on ya lines, but some internals into it and some multis... the concept was ok, but lacked seriously in the execution.... use more expressive vocab... the hook was ok... but like i sain work on it... spice it up....
.....return the favour on my SS verse....

yo any1 else

yo please ppl

Do Not Up This Again Or It Will Get Closed. You Upped It 8 Times In One Day. Consider This A Free Up. But I'll Give You Some Feed.

This was ok....your structure in this was pretty good i thought.....like Dev said add some multies to this to make it much better though....internals as well....flow in this was alright i thought....the hook was alright also....but overall this was ok...keep at it.

ok thanks 4 de warning

yo iz any1 goin 2 reply

ye dat was betta thn ur nersury shit now look at me new 1 it is shit but betta dan da 1st k

yeah man thanks someone else want 2 fukin reply