Travelin'
 

Please take the time out to read the whole song. I want people to give me true oppinions of what they think of this. Thanks!

Traveling Home

I was fired today and it's hurt me within
Guy got mad and let his emotions win
He sent me on my way, despite my distray
And on that day he took my pride away
With the aide of his finger I was gone premature
Didn't no where I'd be going for sure
Next thing I knew I seen the light of day
I was truely free, in a similar way
I had an insight that something wasn't right
But I was left blind from the ultraviolet light
My whole anatomy's full of constant fright
Sealed lips but damn do I have a mean bite
On-lookers gather at the side of the street
Speed increases, kenetic theory of heat
My destination I see...it's right in front me
Don't take a genius to know what's in store for me
Death fills the air all throughout the block
Life will be takin at 2 o'clock
I was forced to this path without turns
Aftermath is sure to cause a lot of concerns
I'm 'bout to do something that is not right
So dear God I'm asking, "forgive me tonight"
I'm traveling through the air so y'all beware
You been dealt the wrong cards in life's solitaire
Not a political debate to which you can relate
You can not lower the mortality rate
Watch your life flash and your memory cache
If only you wasn't needed to carry out the trash
It's crazy, I'll even harm a new born baby
Could this been prevented? I think maybe
Every second our distance decreases
There aint even a cause or an explained thesis
The world stands still, even it's become ill
Was all this commotion for a $20 bill?
All I'm asking is...
Look through the eyes of a bullet
Before you put your finger on the trigger and pull it

aight holmes, for a newb this wasnt bad at all, ur flow was ok, it fell off a little in my opinion, ima say try and elevate ur structure a little more, it seems pretty simple, ima also say to try and fit some multis in ur verse, and i wasnt really feelin the topic, so my main suggestions are to make ur structure more complex and fit in some internal rhymes, and to find a little better topic to rhyme about. overall, for a newb that was pretty good, keep droppin and elevatin, ill be lookin for ya.

peace......

Yeah this was pretty good for a newb, decent read, it flowed pretty well through out the piece falled a little at some parts but it was good, could use better structure, use some multies, but it was pretty good, keep dropping.

this was a piece that needed work indeed......everything about it was simplistic...flow,structure,vocab,story....add some multis in there, some more subject matter and perhaps work on a new concept...aight though

hey...give feedback on this ill collabo right here


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=82853

^^yea pretty much

flow was on and off at times
the vocab was there but could have been better
the rhyme scheme could be better, try for more than 1 per rhyme

Not a political debate to which you can relate
You can not lower the mortality rate

my fav line... get up kid

if you would be so kind
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=83050

Thanks for the feedback.

Anyone else?

"Look through the eyes of a bullet
Before you put your finger on the trigger and pull it"
^loved that line man... oh shit... good ending....
shit was cool, need more work on the flow, and maybe adding stronger vocab, but whatever.... I ain't too big on vocab... lol....
I liked the concept man... how certein actions lead to others and shit... cool....
I liked the length too... lol... not too long, not too short..
yo, keep dropping dawg

-1-

Thanks man!

its alright, really basic, but try and improve ur skills a bit more

cool drop tho

If I fixed the flow, structure and worked in some multies do y'all think this would be worth making into an audio peice?

Once you start even trying to spit this audio you will find yourself needing to address flow problems... so don't worry bout that yet....

just address the situation line by line and don't butcher this because a lot of these guys think you need to "elevate" with ummm "multies"

{Peace}

So, do y'all think I should?

Yeah, I think you should.