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Day and Night
Day and night.
From day one it begun love and happiness prevalent Constant fun reminding me my life was heaven sent Never beligerent, thanking the lord for seeing each morning And even with outer influences, my morals were never distorting Parents were always there to care, giving a life absent dispair. Seems like utopia as even my country's actions were always fair And I'll be there for misguided souls, empathizing for how their story's told Yet my values will never be sold, enjoyed how everyone can have their own This world must be perfect... with everyone on a write path... the good way And I must say... that I would never want to see night if this is day This birth was a curse, constant hurt and what is even worse Is I have to wait decades to finally experience the goal - a hearse Stuck in a rut. I mean daily I'm forced to interact with dumb fucks I wish I could herd these mindless followers into oncoming trucks Then this shit would be fixed. No more idiots to bore me. Next step: find a non-idiot to rule this imperialism ridden country Why do these morons buy into how society forces conformity Its a bore to me. I mean its sad to the point of borderline comedy I thought the US was about freedom. Look how they cant even get that right And if this is the day, I pray to god I can be notcturnal and function at night This is why I hate days, idiots like you impeding my righteous way. I'm sorry you feel this. But I pray that you find errors in what you say. Is this kid gay? I swear the uninformed are a plague to life. Attacks at sexualty arent nice. But I'll still respect your rights. You need to up and vanish. Then my goals I can finally accomplish. What? I cant believe you really believe my existence is worthless. You have no spine. How the hell are you so much like me? I wonder that as well. But I guess it proves the minds frailty. Thats it! I'm taking over 24 hours as I'm the true soldier. Please just stick to nights, its hard enough being bi-polar. |
sick .. the ending came out of nowhere
that was a really dope piece. the end fit in so perfect, and it was really unexpected to me .. an internal conflict. . flow was sick as well. what's your alias? and, are you in WP or no? |
I'm in WP.
I'm the artist formerly known as Chrit |
well at least you didn't change yourself to a symbol ..
but yeah, this was dope .. welcome to WP .. pz |
oh yeah, sorry for the double post,
but do you really have that chick in your avvy on cam?? hoooook it up i've got a few that we could exchange |
She doesnt have a cam anymore = (
Met her on a DECA trip one year... Still see her now and then = ) |
returning da favour..thanx for your feedback on my shit....
Flow here was silky, you had some mad internals in here, really showed your abilty to not only rhyme but to execute it in a dope fashion. Structure too was good, bars were same length and it kept it all "orginzed". As usual, you have dope vocab....you didn't over do it, it didn't look like you sat down wit a dictionary n' theasarus beside you, looked like it all came naturally...well done. Concept was straight, never seen it done on rb before, you really shone through, especially at the end, transcended past outstanding here...lol, dope though. 4/5 only think i neva like - was the colour scheme...lol. |
Dope..everything in it's place..great content..enough said..peace..
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good read.... with an interesting topic.... the flow was kept going nicely, and the construction of the verse was tight... and the choice of vocab was complimented by the arrangement of ya words... well put together... culminating to a tight drop.....pZ....
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same person= sickness
umm i just watched psycho and its kinda funny how they are so much alike...you stayed on point through the whole verse which was cool...The piece didnt lack anything that i could see....so all in all Nice piece.....collabo coming soon i believe... -1- |
YO THIS PIECE WAS ILL! No doubt about it. New feel to it. Very different in a lot of ways. Not your usual piece. Flow was good and the contradicting subject was dope. Keep doing you thing.
Feedback Appreciated INFLUENCE http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=93118 |
Thanks for the feedback thus far.
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trapt you really had a great iece here...everything fit together...the best thing wa the 2 differewnt styles...for night and day...you made that work very well. you created a good sence for the reader to understand and think about whch was good. most of all though i really liked the way this was put together....well done
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Yea this was really nice, ..good topic! :p..very nice executed, good sheme of rhymes, ..& vocab was on point..
Somethimes i lost the flow tho..I will drop, my piece tomorow. lol, finisher is ready tho O.o .. lol gluck to that, & props on this one = ) |
Pretty sick..
The concept was basically nothing too new, just added a newer twist with the day and night thing goin on. Also, The last verse was very very good with the dialogue and a nice twisted ending. I felt at somepoints your rhymes seemed to get a little forced, and it made your flow a bit choppy. The conflict was played out very well, and despite its weaknesses, it turned out to be a strong piece. |
This piece was cool...the flow is straight i read this to beat and
it flowed just fine...your internal are very subtle...which isn't good or bad it't just rather different...one thing you should work on is the standard metaphors people use...strive for metaphors within metaphors<<not sure if you will get that, but you will soon enough the ending was nice, and was not abrupt like most pieces here are good drop...keep at it, one thing i didnt feel was emotion though i don't know why just didn't...when you can make people feel the emotion that is when you know you have reached a level of precise thought.... good job |
ahhh i loved it.. i wish i coulda thought of a topic like this to write about...
anyways... you hit this great... i like how you layed it out night day day/night that was dope... content was very well done in this piece... i liked that it wasn't a whole fuckin novel too... and it was a good read... good flow... i was flowin it in my head to like a nas approach n it was dope lol so yeah.. dope piece my man |
Legends? lol
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No.
flow was choppy.. = ) .. Meh .. was nice read tho :p |
Choppy flow?
You should let it flow over a good beat |
Its a text topical writtin..:p
Make it a track = ) ..shud be dope. |
I may at some point...
Although I'd need another head for one of the verses. |
Deacon = ) ?
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possibly
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Dope , stop freeposting :@ ..
Up^ |
Extremely interesting how my opinions of this story's two characters changed with every line; maybe, it's because I am the pure median between the two :rolleyes: . Conceptually and idealistically, this was outstanding . However, you could use some works with mechanics - but can't we all ? The two characters have decidedly-biased and different opinions, which makes for a good start . The ideas were good enough to make me mad that I didn't explore this topic first . Towards the end, though, it seemed like the topic got stretched a bit thin . I think it was partially intentional, but the way that you phrased the dialogue between the two gave me a chuckle . Truthfully, you're getting better with every piece that you drop, & that's the only way to get better . Keep going, man - Peace.
Quality |
wow sir-E interesting read here, The artist formely known as ..comes through
were his former self rarely came to. Open mic, Nice shit is on point throught didnt bore me, kept me focused "very hard to do". I really enjoyed this and the twist at the end was nice props... |
Uhh...
...Ping! |
Legends aren't made every day.....lucky for you today is not ordinary----lol....
^^^ Nuff said... Loved everything about it |
I wish I could herd these mindless followers into oncoming trucks
Then this shit would be fixed. No more idiots to bore me. Damn so true lol...this had me rolling.. Thats it! I'm taking over 24 hours as I'm the true soldier. Please just stick to nights, its hard enough being bi-polar. LOL..once again nice line here..i can relate to this lol...very nice Overall very good rhyme scheme and good flow...Some funny moments as i wrote above...liked it alot...keep spittin..props 8.0/10 |
Thanks ya'll
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that was ill piece there i thought was tight as hell.
good word usged peace if you want peep at my post some time there in my sig |
Thanks
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ill. Any more questions?
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= )
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..Very Dope...I've only read very few open mics by you(maybe three? or four?),and all of them were 'Legend' material..I mean shit..what more can I say??..shit is "Dope '..
~Go here and Win a million dollars!~ http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=104404 |
Thanks
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Uhhhh...............
Ping?? |
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that was sick man...the flow was good nice multies and vocab and shit. nice end i felt that shit man keep goin
peace |
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