Two rednecks were driving down a country road in
a pickup truck. The driver tells his buddy that
there's a new gas station on down the road that
offered a CHANCE at free sex with every fill-up,
and that he was going to stop and fill it up.

So, they stop and fill it up. The owner comes out,
collects the money and tells the guy he has a chance
to win some free sex. All he has to do is guess the
correct number between 1 and 10.

After thinking a minute, he guesses 6.

The owner says "Man you almost won, the number was
7. Y'all come back!"

They drive off, and after a few minutes of silence,
the driver's buddy says "You know, I've been thinking
about that free-sex deal, and it's rigged. No way
you're gonna win. No matter what number you guess,
the guy's gonna say you're wrong."

The driver says "Naw, it ain't rigged. I know you can
win."

His buddy asks "And just how do you know that?" The
driver replies "My wife stopped in there twice last
week, and she won both times."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is: don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah," said the teacher.
"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was in the Marines during the war in Iraq, and her plane was hit over enemy territory. She had to bail out and all she had was a parachute, a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Saddam's Relatives
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay .................the restaurateur
Guday....................the half-Australian brother
Huray.....................the sports fanatic
Sashay...................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay...................the baseball player
Ojay.......................the stalker/murderer
Gulay.....................the singer/entertainer
Ebay.......................the internet czar
Biliray.....................the country music star
Ecksray..................the radiologist
Puray......................the blender factory owner
Regay.....................the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.....................the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Lattay......................the coffee shop owner
Bufay.......................the 300 pound sister
Dushay....................the clean sister
Phayray...................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway...............the grocery store owner
Ollay........................the half-Mexican sister
Gudlay.....................the prostitute

And Finally:

There is Oyvay..... but the family doesn't like to talk about him much.

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night is the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: "What's with this ... a black condom?"

He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

funny joke- this guy named sheek on here. hes a dumb ass

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

My bad, never mind.

A well known heart surgeon died and all of his colleagues came to attend the funeral. As a tribute to the reknown doctor his widow had an enormous bouqet of flowers constructed into the exact replica of a heart. She then had it placed next to his open grave. As the ceremony starts one of the mourners sees the display and suddenly begins chuckling which then leads to large bellowing laughs. Shocked and astonished the widow asked him what was the matter with him. Shaking his head and wiping away tears he replied "I was just picturing my own funeral, you see I am a gynecologist"

you people are STUPID!!! how the hell is any of this funny????

PEACE TALKS........

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

^LMAO, that is a good one.

This shit right here really isnt a joke but its a funny "yo momma" joke


Yo momma's hair is so nappy even moses couldnt part it!!!

YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND......

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his ass off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.


The guy calms down and says:

" Make 'em all ugly again "

YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND......

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his ass off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.


The guy calms down and says:

" Make 'em all ugly again "

whats the difference between a black family n a picnic table?? the bench can support a family....ahhh mean but in a way funnny??? its okay im half black