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Nice, TR. Cool, End. :)
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LoL Yip:) mention every1 but me
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no problem lil girl:) http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=104815 how you like them apples?..fresh off the tree..w00t.. :thefinger |
This was ok. I was definately expecting more considering the accumulated amount of posts you all have lol. But I'm not knocking it. It was enjoyable enough to read to the finish. And you could definately tell that dimez through some heart into this. I felt his/her piece the most out of the three of you.
hit mine up please http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...012#post1107012 |
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I understand youre new...Dimez is a female ...MY female! |
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My apologies... Well that adds some flavor to things doesn't it? LOL. Also, If you would reply to my first open mic, I would be much obliged. :) |
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Word! |
DAMNIT *Adds 3 more names to "do not suck' list* dope shit.anymore questions?
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Bad but not too bad... Death of Man My Ass I did put heart into this open mic... fuck u herb.. I tried to be nice Now da fukkoutahea :shoot: |
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Thanx :thumbup: Ofcourse we do not suck |
i needed proof cuz honestly 90% of the people here do, look at tha Legend if u need examples.
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Anxiety attacks from always yelling on the phone
Its time to relax, I'm getting on the train to go home An ok line.. but, i think you conveyed the wrong emotion here. Why? because, you went from "anxiety" (seemingly jumpy, quick) too relaxation in only a few words.. just didnt really go together too well. i think you should have added in a couple more lines and made a smoother transition.. the part about being anxious got me reading faster, and then when it said it was time to relax...i was still reading fast... shoulda had a smoother transition . I look at this couple, sitting in the car ahead of me The look in their eyes screams of deep intimacy You need to get the rhyming down pat a little more here. Intimacy and ahead of me dont really rhyme very well, it gave off an "air" of choppiness which should be a flawless flow. I also don't think that "screams" was the best word choice here. Intimacy and screams just dont exactly convey the same emotion. you could have instead said something more "hypnotic" describing intimacy better. Their moments should confiscate itself to just them I can’t help but stare, not bothering to pretend nothing really wrong with this ... I can tell that they don’t have much to their name His shoes are decaying, blue jeans fading to gray his shoes being gray doesnt really say much about his character..ok, it shows maybe he doesnt have enough money to buy new jeans.. but that doesnt describe the couple well... The way they see each other, is my sight erred How can they be happy, this has got to be absurd doesnt rhyme in my mind, maybe we speak differently... But I digress, I was on my way home... She drapes her leg over his leg, he smells her hair I don’t hear what he says; it is theirs not to share its theirs not to share ? word better, that statement doesnt make much sense to me... something cant belong to two people without them sharing, lol .. He runs his finger along her thigh, worn from wear They speak of marriage and affording a proper ring He’s willing to put in extra hours, save for next spring ok this was pretty good here...but worn from wear is the same two words, and is her thigh worn from wear or his finger? better comma placement here might be needed. in this sentence technically ur saying with ur comma placement that her thighs worn from wear as i see it, but i think you mean the finger.. but now i read the next line, and it goes with the ring idea... nice connection...guess the first line was ok after all.. Now I sit confused, can love really conquer greed But how can they be happy they have no money doesnt really rhyme... pretty simple...u should use more expression through more complex wording.. But I digress, I was on my way home... When I reached my stop, they exited as well I tracked their retreat to near where I dwell They were in a loving embrace, all alone I saw it was my face, the one I loved... and our walk home nice ending.. simple again... but nice for this part.. i'll do the other verses laster. -feebz |
Anxiety attacks from always yelling on the phone
Its time to relax, I'm getting on the train to go home The transition is what i wanted, i want you to know from the begining that its a slow read....so what if i hype you up then bring you back down...the quick transition is to show how fast your day can change from fast to slow...and stick with me on the symbols of change. I look at this couple, sitting in the car ahead of me The look in their eyes screams of deep intimacy i pronounce as such in-ta-ma-sea...so the last syllabul rhymes with me...yes its basic but who cares, i dont...the word scream was used because screams are associated with passion...passion with intimacy...follow me? Their moments should confiscate itself to just them I can’t help but stare, not bothering to pretend damn right nothings wrong! I can tell that they don’t have much to their name His shoes are decaying, blue jeans fading to gray His jeans are fading, not his shoes...if you made blue jeans turn out gray, you have used them too much The way they see each other, is my sight erred How can they be happy, this has got to be absurd 1st word pronounced as (h)eard 2nd as (t)ub-surd But I digress, I was on my way home... She drapes her leg over his leg, he smells her hair I don’t hear what he says; it is theirs not to share bad comma use on my behalf...but what they are saying is not to be shared with others, it only belongs to them, not anyone else...espically the voyeur kid in the next car (me) He runs his finger along her thigh, worn from wear They speak of marriage and affording a proper ring He’s willing to put in extra hours, save for next spring 1st line should have been reworded...the theme for these three lines is the lack of money they have...her thighs arent worn from wear, what she is wearing over her thigh is...my bad Now I sit confused, can love really conquer greed But how can they be happy they have no money it doesnt rhyme in the normal aspect...money rhymes with the middle syllabuls in greed...yea its also a fuck up on my writing...also needed a comma after happy in 2nd line But I digress, I was on my way home... When I reached my stop, they exited as well I tracked their retreat to near where I dwell They were in a loving embrace, all alone I saw it was my face, the one I loved... and our walk home fucka complex ending...tracked their retreat...he is searching for something that is trying to escape him..love? maybe... in the last line you see that he has found love (home)...so his walk home was his path from being a materialistic overworked man, to a loving companion...symbol of change? and heres a kicker? when he says "the one I loved" is he talking about his girl...or the face of himself that he likes....cause if its his girl its talking about how he has found love if its himself, then hes talking about how he can see himself as a better person... fucka complex ending! |
A reply to my open mic would be apreciated..i reply to urs u reply to mine..thats how we keep the circle going round & round...
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I will check it
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