RapVerse.com Community - Lyricle Disciple vs LyricleSolja

Voted For: Lyricle Disciple

Lyriclesojah

Yo as my eyes get tired my feet make it hard to walk,
I can barely step now let alone speak & talk,
I see in slow motion-communication is bare,
Speech all around me-the people will stare,
Words surround me talk to me if you dare,
Fore where i am bound-my bed i am finially there,
Slowly but surely ma covers will warm,
From the cold air-a hard breeze-the storm,
As i slowly slip into great dreams,
Filled with passed members and things,
Then the dream slowly dies,
And my sore eyes meet the graceful sun rise

Overall
Nice verse...pros about the verse...the vocab was very good flow was nice and easy to make out i think you kept on the topic quite well but heres the cons...to me topicals should go the max line limit you didn't this can hinder verses sometimes if it's a couple of lines it ain't a problem but 16 max and you did 12 thats 4 short but i feel you could of used those lines to your advantage...also even though the flow was good it seemed a lil short line wise and it was a quick read but other than ok verse...jus use the lines to your full advantage in future and make ya lines longer :thumbup:

Trauma

As I Lay Wide Awake Into The Break Of Don I Then Realize,
The Beautiful Sun Rise, The Horizon Light Up Before My Eyes
As The Sun Sweeps The Floor Room Like An Old Dusty Broom
Thy Skies Light Up As My Windows Fulfill Itself With Gloom
Reflection Of Orange Stain My Wall With Colors Of White Light
Complexions Of Flowers Dove's Are Nice, It Keeps Getting Bright
Dust On My Floor Lights Up As The Light Shines Over A Dove
The Eye In The Skies Of Clouds As The Sun Reaches A-Bove
The Sky And Horiz-on Appeals My Eyes And Pink Is Sligh-ten
As The.....Light-in The Sun Suddenly Glooms And Bright-ens.
The Amusement Seams Un--Confusing Cuzz Of The Suns Shape
As I Once More Gape At The Open Gates Opening Up My Fate
Isn't Ironic How The Suns Shape Is The Look Of A Girls Bottom
And At The Same Time In The Cold.....It'll Still Get Hotter(Hotta)
As The Space Clears There Is No Trace Of The Sun Rise Here
And The Clouds Go Back, And The Gloom Of Light Dissapears

Overall
Nice verse structure in nice and evenly laid out flows ok some good rhyming i really felt the metaphor in the 3rd line used max lines which like i said is an advantage i think you got this mostly because it seems you put a lot more time into your verse the rhyming is nice metaphors are good laid out nicely and easy to read closer was good...

V/Trauma...good topical L'Soljah i think longer lines and usage of more lines woulda made this a more competative battle...RTF in my sig (E.C) within 3 days or vote removed :thumbup: