|
Whoa this old...
Uppin' to close this... |
This was feedback posted for Limited Edition
That closer was fucking ill.
I don't do topical, so I don't really know what's good in it.. but that closer was dope. |
Voted For: Paroxysm
Limited Edition: your piece had a nice rhythm, I think you could easily use it for a song or such. The overall concept may not have been the most creative one but you worked it down nicely. Kept it to the basics of the story and delivered a strong message. The vocab was on point, feeling your flow for sure. You used nice images, especially in the middle part. Emotion was poured in every single line. Only negative thing may be creativity... Paroxysm: with you it may be harder for readers to see the aspect of "pride" but I feel that works to your advantage because you managed to add another dimension to the piece, keep that little bit of mystery. Vocab was rather simple but it gave a direct vibe to the piece. Imagery was excellent, I could picture the scene. Flow was little off here and there, emotion was there in the right places. Creativity was nice as well Overall, this was a close battle but I feel Paroxysm got it by a hair, actually creativity got him the vote because on the other aspects they were even in fact. |
This was feedback posted for Paroxysm
hey para someone bit you on rapbattles
this was actually nominated for legends. but someone bit you dope verse though. http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=239662 ^^thats where you were bit. |
Voted For: Limited Edition
Ha... Limited.. You prolly don't remember me... I was in this bitch a long time ago... Always loved your shit. In this battle.... i would ahve to say that Limited has this. Parox your shit was a lil hard to follow, overall i liked it... Limited your flow was bad ass and your punches were pretty nice... -One- |
|
Goddamnit. Second time I've done that today...get it DQed.
|
Voted For: Paroxysm
My self esteem is dropping, I shudder under this open light... My silent scream is stopping, thunder shouting no hope in sight... The clock was ticking, slowly remiding me of my own misery... All's I have left is my pride, and the rest of me is just history...these lines were alright nice flow ...Pride... The word echoes, spinning tranquil voices into my visions... The reason I don't end it now, barrier of regretfull decisions... The dirt around my feet reminds me of everything I have... The knife in my back shows me how nobody will understand... The rags on my shoulders sends a message from my family... Their words slowly damage me, why do I have to be a tragedy..? -exemplary 4 lines My bare feet are covered in glass, as I walk on burning coals... But if I had lossed everything you wouldn't see this hurting soul... ...Breakin' My Balls For Somethin' That's Great... ...It's Makin' Me Fall And It's Somethin' I Hate... The words of my own song pound my face relentlessly... The rain pouring down on my pride is falling so endlessly... But no matter what happens...I will find a way to survive... You can take my clothes, my body...but you wont take my pride...-nice ending I like it how it is very dark but at the end you show signs of optimism. "The charity that hastens to proclaim its good deeds, ceases to be charity, and is only PRIDE and ostentation." - William Hutton At the pub alone seated unfocused from Tequila, Held a shaggy wallet picture of her... I miss you Sheila Diluted with intoxicants impairing my brain I hunch depressed swept the shot glasses out of my way-nice imagery Although I knew of what became that made us broken in bond These memories we shared together now were shattered and gone-very nice Beside the glass reflected scene aside the window I sat Scanned the city nights recallin' where we use to be at On the corner... right there... on 23rd and Sycamore That's where I gathered bravery confessin love metaphors-a work of art to this point but the next part sort of ruins it (you don’t need to say sex to express your love) To my bed.. held together lovin, sex on the floor I reflected back the visions of affection we poured Enamored deeply... I stood to pay my drink and then left Into the streets humming barely ventilating a breath My broken english was drowned with leery slurs in my speech My arms extended hoping balance would be seen in my reach-very nice but very depressing b/c the fact that he is drunk by himself illustrates the ominous situation Thru the streets I descended huddled deep in my coat Till a noise awoke me sober to what seemed to be known Out about along the alley some steps ahead of me I peeked the corner to find that I dropped my Hennessey An adolescent teen screamin was grasped in the lips By some middle age Hispanics yappin native tongue shit In a struggle, she slipped to find them sittin on top This girl was uncontainable to let her panties get dropped-good use of juxtaposition I froze witness to thinkin this unfortunate event Stood emotionally clutched to see honey get bent To my own intimidation as i stared with no act I had no use of offense to make these neguhz retract Then I ran thru a thought of somethin tragic to seek What if my girl was the one they tried to take in the street-I like how you alluded to your girlfriend. You’re a great story teller—reminds me of Immortal Technique To perform brute intentions, violate her morale With reaction to that thought... I instantly went wild In pursuit I charged... took one to the ground Three swings aside his skull and he ceased to make sound The other came attackin, and wielded a knife Jumped upon to shank my heart jeopardizing my life-nice change of events: In a struggle I laid held tight to his wrist While he clutched to push his effort with the knife in his fist I glared at the sparkle... the blade to my face Losin' strength to hold my life closing fast in its pace-damn!!! Suddenly... somethin shattered and soon as I blinked He fell on top of me aside with some alcoholic drink Soaked upon me and him.. with fragments of glass The adolescent teen struck him... and his conscious went past But as I raised myself.. pain struck on my chest I felt the crushing sensation of his knife on my breast I froze gettin shivers... I was losing much blood The girl yelled out for help.. my hands graspin on mud (48)-nice man I dug.. inside my pocket... the picture I took Held my honey soaked in blood.. and took 1 last look Then I croaked... at the adolescent... touched on her chin Placed the photo on her hands.... ...my life came to an end. (From a distant.. the teen covers her face with the photo in her hand crying.... as the heroic teen lays... dead... and a image of a broken Hennessey bottle dripping steadily and slowly into a gutter as the scene fades out.) End. Paroxysm took this one because his imagery was exemplary, the way he told his story was amazing-great use of contrasts, and very profound and interesting to read as it leaves the reader on the edge of the seat. Great job. |
Uppin' this shit.....
Let's get this closed. |
Voted For: Limited Edition
Main Entry: 1pride Pronunciation: 'prId Function: noun Etymology: Middle English, from Old English pryde, from prud proud -- more at PROUD 1 : the quality or state of being proud: as a : inordinate self-esteem : CONCEIT b : a reasonable or justifiable self-respect c : delight or elation arising from some act, possession, or relationship <parental pride> 2 : proud or disdainful behavior or treatment : DISDAIN 3 a : ostentatious display b : highest pitch : PRIME 4 : a source of pride : the best in a group or class 5 : a company of lions 6 : a showy or impressive group <a pride of dancers> I'm guessing Paro's piece was supposed to fall under the 3rd definition... but though I really liked his piece it would be a stretch at best to say that it was on topic... the man's action to save the girl didn't seem pride-ful at all... more of sympathy... the pride-full act quickly and his character had to find a reason to make himself intervine... if it were actually his girl and he jumped to action quickly I'd say it was out of pride... this just wreaked of symphathy... LE's verse on the other hand was right on topic... so I have to vote for him |
Main Entry: sym·pa·thy
Pronunciation: 'sim-p&-thE Function: noun Inflected Form(s): plural -thies Etymology: Latin sympathia, from Greek sympatheia, from sympathEs having common feelings, sympathetic, from syn- + pathos feelings, emotion, experience -- more at PATHOS 1 a : an affinity, association, or relationship between persons or things wherein whatever affects one similarly affects the other b : mutual or parallel susceptibility or a condition brought about by it c : unity or harmony in action or effect 2 a : inclination to think or feel alike : emotional or intellectual accord b : feeling of loyalty : tendency to favor or support <republican sympathies> 3 a : the act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings or interests of another b : the feeling or mental state brought about by such sensitivity <have sympathy for the poor> 4 : the correlation existing between bodies capable of communicating their vibrational energy to one another through some medium I'd say Paro's piece fits into the 3rd part of the definition of sympathy... his character was sensitive to the teenager's situation... and acted upon it... |
Voted For: Limited Edition
limited i like ur style it was nice and flowed better parox u had good rymes sometimes but wer overall beat vote limet no hate rtf http://community.rapverse.com/showb...645242&posted=1 |
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:06 PM. |