Uppin' for a few more feeds.. This piece shoudlnt be getting slept on.

wow is the only way i can put this

you had excellent imagery and emotion...best ive seen in a while...even though you wrote for a wrong topic still managed to come wit a ill verse....nice structure and flow..this was an overall top piece...not that long but quite entertaining dawg...keep this shit up....9.9/10...woulda been better if you sticked to the topic I GAVE LOL

rofl, I agree man. Thanks for the feed. :)

multis are solid, emotion is thick. nice over all peice.

bit of crit

take time to go back thru your peice and use descriptive words or adjective's at the start of lines

for instance...

gracefully stand surrounded & hounded with peers I've known for years ...
awkwardlly each day I wander home to my Grandmother's unyeilding tears
emtionally shovel my fears so I can inhale the stale poisen from my boy's an'
... Uphold my riddled poise above the clouds of toxic ridden joy's ...


The words I have used my not fir into the peice,cuase im unsure of your thoughts while writing it, but replacing words like I with a emotion or action can up the level of your writting instantly.

I notice you did start to do it thru out, but alot more thought and time into your peices and they will be dope

rtf in my latest open mic near the top somewere.

peace.

Finally, a nice drop. Flowed well, and it seemed to feel the emotion off this. Descriptive language was present, and I liked the plot of this, and the complexity was a nice change. Your opener to me was the best part, props.

Thanks for the feeds guys, appreciate it.

Hittin' up some of your work in return.

Uppin.

Uppin' for the last time .. appreciate the attention thus far.

Will RTF. Peace.

Sup Mental this was a nice drop fams,.. I like the structure u used coz
I feel it make the verse easy to read and makes it flow a lot better.

multis was well nice, with some really nice emotion, this was a proper
decent verse.

Stay up fams

1~

o.k first off feedback is meant to help someone elevate so look for the small problems so someone can reach perfection.hence why i always give honest feedback.this was good above averge even but a 10/10?no no and no to see examples of a 10/10 check out invisions work.anyways vocab is good but overdone it loses the reader and therefore makes it difficult to follow along.with vocab its tricky you gotta make that balance just right try to concentrate less on big words and more on imagery.the big words seemed forced and also hurt your syllabel count making this a decent poetry drop but something that would never flow correctly to a beat.overall this was like i said above averge by rv standards and preety much a well thought out piece.i personally enjoyed it but feel it needs a little more work before being completed.try lenghthing it as well for a more overall factor to draw the reader into it.
6.5/10

Thanks Cali ;) I appreciate it alot. I tend to not change my pieces once i've "finished" them, however, I will take your help into my next pieces. Thanks again fams. ;)

One thing i've always wondered... how is "vocab" judged? I mean. theres not very many words in this piece I DONT use in a normal conversation. It seems to me some people have broader expanses of vocab that they use; are use to using and find it natural to incorporate it in there work. Not my fault 3rd grade drop outs have to buy a dictionary (not dissin anyone by any means).

Cali, I got about 1/2 threw My Nation, owever im tired as shit im going to crit tomarrow.

Peace.

To me good vocab is when u use really unusal words, and like CALI said a lot
of people seem to think that good vocab is a use of big words I dont think
thats the case, It just kills your flow.

Use unusal words in place of something perdictable, try using a Thesaurus
to build up your vocab, but just make sure u use the right words a the right
time I have seen lads of people attempt to do this but use the wrong word.

Hope this helps stay up Ment

1~

^word exactly how i wouldve put it here.not big words just unexpected words its called symantics.it greatly improves your work in all aspects once mastered.

i enjoyed the first couple para's, but like cali said
your vocab was a little excessive at points, sa'll good thou,
for the most part i was impressed....good job mentalz
keep it up....

ILL like the planet Andromeda but my romantic thermometer need
Calibrations, flow grace rhymes a showcase a barometer’s creed
Proper like a doctor I prescribe drugs, see jive scrubs but from
A tribe of thugs just shot five slugs and still had to run in the slums
Gunplay every Sunday true church is too much have to preach
To reach cats, heart all broken but like a small token on streets
With a donation in this flow situation like a baby awoken from sleep
Look in my bill fold ill and bold then pay whack rent after sacrament
Some cats sad and very phony like a bad ceremony your facts are bent