| Triple_N |
09-30-06 09:37 AM |
Alright before I start I want to say I applaud the idea, an the intention of this track. Writing a song to your kids is great. an I agree this is the best song I've heard from you, never heard you get personal or tell a story before. Now, all the sentimental stuff aside, from a technical an sonic side this song falls start of the mark. First you used the same rapid fire flow u use on bangers wit less intensity, I mean I am putting myself in the shoes of a kid listening to this...most kids aint gon catch what u saying... slow it down, take the time to pronounce your words...give your kids something to grab on too. throw some personal catch phrases in the verses(I.E. Tupac in dear mama "even though u was a crack feind mama/ u always was a black queen mama!"get me?) delivery again...completely unpersonal...u was focused on flowly fast instead of getting across how you feel about ya kids...u was contorting words to make them stand out with funny pronounciations, which is ill in a hype/club track but completely unapproiate here. Lyrics were fine but your writing technique from a songwriting standpoint was completely incohert...you opened first verse talking to your kids then towards end an for rest of the song you talked in third person...killing the interpersonal vibe thats necessary for a track like this...in second an third verse especially u came across like u was telling a stranger a nice story about your family instead of talking directly to your family. You want a song like this from beginning to end to be like your sitting with your family telling them this or even like your family is reading a letter from you. But u wrote it like 1 paragraph in a letter to a friend u aint seen in yrs thats jus talking about how life's been for you. the hook was too rapish...you definitely should have had a melody in your hook to give it that extra emotion that people an more importantly your family would connect with. All in all it was a decent song that came across like it was written from a amateur writer. Dont get me wrong I aint saying u a wack rapper, I aint talking bout rapping at all. I am talking about the principles of the art of songwriting, u didn't use any of the formulas necessary for writing a compelling interpersonal song. Also mixing coulda been alot better...vocals need to be eqed over a boarder range to make it sit upfront in the mix, its more the eqing then the actual volume of the vocals, but anyways no hate at all kid, jus realness.....1
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