Monkey bro, you need to realise this is a topical battle ok? It's not writing a rap song. Leave that rap song style you have behind, abandon it completely, it's not bad, but it's not good for this type of league. Now you have to see also, you don't have to write all the time like you are writing about yourself stuck in a situation relating to the topic, you can write about a TOPIC and your thoughts and ideas on the topic, or write about someone else in a situation relating to the topic. Sort of like a story that rhymes. Now your rhyme scheme is nice, you got good multi's, but I saw that sometimes you hurt your content of your verse by trying to hard to make a lot of rhymes. Don't do that, your lyrical content and message is a lot more important then how good you rhyme. You need to get deeper, more profound, say things that will make dudes think when they read your verse and learn something, understand a moral and learn a lesson, ya dig? Also fix your structure, your verse looks ugly because lines are stretched and fall under eachother, that shit with the slashes just don't look nice and don't work, try making your verse in the same structure as Bobericc's is, it looks way nicer. Follow this advice and you'll be killin it man.
vs.
Bob you started off sick with the rhyme scheme, then I felt your rhyme scheme kind of fell off towards the middle of the verse actually because it seemed like you tried to use a large vocabulary too hard and make it all rhyme. You had a sick verse though, really deep and made me think. I can't say much because this was an obvious landslide.
v/ bob
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