| Rhombus |
04-09-03 06:50 PM |
Aight man, I've been busy now I can reply to this as well..
Quote:
(sigh)there be rats on the floor,roaches on the ceiling//
cats on the ground looking up waitn to make a killing//
vultures swarmin in red an blue vehicles layin patient//
theyll bust your murderer after hes killed you to maintain//
a steady,evidence flow in your homicide case...no replacement//
is in shipment for the the faucet that leaks into the basement//
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The opening was nicely done, had some nice visuals there, flow was smooth as well.
"theyll bust your murderer after hes killed you to maintain//"
^ Thing is that line there seemed not to fit into the piece at all, overall though it came out nicely enough to give the reader a good view of what is going on....
Quote:
cant use the shower,waters been cutoff by the landlord//
the fridge is empty the ice tray`s got something moving in side it//
the floorboards be creaking with everystep i take,as i creep tryin not to wake-//
the girl from the night before,what was her name again?,oh it doesnt matter//
ill dissapear into the masses while she sorts through her own clatter//
grab a cup of coffee look out onto the city streets in the morning//
the sun rising the corporate cats is yawning,eyes hangin heavy//
walk down the fire escape to the concrete,back to the wall,only friend i trust//
every other emotion is obsolete,stacked ot tall,lonely ends i clutch//
i aint got much but i always got just enough,if only i could sell paranoia...//
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I know it's quite a bit to quote, but the thing is that this is how imagery is done, the lines here were woven nicely and added that storytelling element here, I liked that part.
Quote:
looking up to my window to see the pidgeon land,wishing i was like that//
knowing it would never understand,watchign the elderly man,searching for helping hand//
receiving cold shoulders dagger stares,doomed to remain where he stands//
till somone with a conciounse comes along with stick knive in purse bag//
step into the alley way quick and stab gut the man where he stands,all planned//
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Again nice imagery, these lines were done good, really good man, I was feelin' that intro the second verse, although I wasn't feeling that break up a bit, this came out and on strong, nice, vocab was enough to make this piece flow well as well as the imagery added something nice too. Sorry I can't really go into much detail I have to get back to work soon seeing how this is my "lunch break", but... uh yeah, there you go man, nice piece, keep on writtin kidd...
love... |
