RapVerse.com Community - a world so cold...

Quote:

Originally posted by B-squared
This is my life;(good line i like it makes strong intro) it’s not what it was before, holding the fire well with in (awsome)
With the desire to serve, my people and those of self-determination, by existence or demise…(also sick imagry)
Gone threw the mist to the other side(this line didn't really hit me that much...you can up this make it more deep) to pursue the entrance in the field leading the way(im just not sure of this line....confused on whether im down with it or not)
Like wind threw an open door with the honor of those who have fallen before us (nice line like a movie or sumtin)
The light is so bright I (throughout i dont think i liked you putting i in because it moves it more personal but maybe thats just me) cannot bare, for those who have fallen before me shall lead the way
Threw (just spelling error) the great halls were the pure (simple but ok) shall stay looking over a world so cold were all the trust is gone
Were children are crying, neglected, it’s a time were a person should hold the hand of there best friend.
For I am now lost in the feelings of the pure and the immorality, were life and death blend…
Now is where we should stand, against this hate and rage bottled with the fire of self domination...
By existence or demise, those who resist are those who we should follow,
For in a world so cold (ehh) all the trust that once existed is all but gone to the shallows of self nobility
For I am on the outside looking in, to a life were dreams are not lived but demised by those seeking power
Not the one thing of which rules life, the one thing that makes all other cares non-existent…
[COLOR=green]In a world so cold, natives only care for ones self, and not the well being of a neighbor
For our great nation is crumbling, to meet its demise, I can see it in the sky, I feel it in the wind,
And I see it in the people, for the people is what we shall entrust to pull us out of our misfortune
Will they be conquered (beta vocab may have made this line deeper)by greed for the power of ones self, or shall they collaborate to benefit all….

the highlights: Good images
image needs work
good vocab
up the vocab
good line
needs something

ok on the vocab it isnt really bad...it isnt complex because that would kill the piece...i think something would be lost if you weighed this down with needless theasurasized words....

the topic of this piece was on top it was clear that you need to think about it but that made it great

Vocab- one of the most important aspects of poetry....with the right vocab you can make the simplest sentence beautiful....you can turn "the moon rose in the sky" into "the full white moon ascended gloriously into the desolete heavens and claimed a place in the stars" not the best example but you understand what im saying....i mean if you absolutly have to then use a thesourus but only as a last resort....adjectives give words color, feeling, texture, emotions, and three demensions.....use them wisely and you'll go far....

emotion- can easily be gained by finding a topic that fits....a topic that allows for emotion and i think that by chosing a creative topic and making it not as obvious you've added a bit of elevated complexity to this piece

topic- ok this is the big thing....a noob would start with an open ended topic to start...something easy to get inspired....take that topic and narrow it down and take it in a new creative way....as i told someone once when he was going to write about the after life i said first you need to pick a side heaven or hell.....so he was going to do hell and i said that you need to take it and put your own spin on it....give YOUR version of hell...what do you see....just sit and imagine...is hell good or evil...tourture? pain? cries? longing? you just need to think of these things to help direct your writing....even silly topics can be amazing poems as long as you be creative about it....take it from a different angle.....the common thing for hell would be fire...so take it and make it ice or something...just be original....thats the key is the originality and i think you def hit it this time

sound divices- are also helpful in creating flow....and rhytme...you may not see it until you read it out loud....but use alliteration and consenence and rhyme (carefully) and metaphores and similies....all help elevate a piece...i didn't see many but maybe they were subtle and didnt catch the eye but i dont think that this really needed any more concentration on rhyme an such

regarding rhyme- ok my point of view im not a big fan of rhyming the last words of a line...most of the time it comes out forced.....and even if it isnt supposed to be dont make urself a slave to the rhyme scheme....and thank you for not really being held back by rhyme

the main thing is never feel that your writing is bad....you may be new to writing but poetry is open to inturprettation...even some of the best poets may not be liked by certain people...never doubt yourself....you will write pieces u love and ones you hate but always work...even midnyte will tell you that theres always room for crit.....

if you take anything from this...take this....WRITE FROM YOUR HEART......one of the best net poets ive met once said to me something along the lines of i dont get why people like my work i just write what i feel.....(sorry if misquoted) but thats what makes great poetry...write about what you feel....if your angry write it down....express your emotions through words...pour your heart on to paper and set emotion in stone....

i hope that this helped you some...im not claiming to be the best poet because im not...and im not proclaiming to know it all cuz i dont....but you asked for some real feed an i laid it down str8 up