cheers
and up

this was a nice piece coz your flow was ill...the use of metas goin on to each line was nice...like you did four words that related,rhymed and conectec the sentences
ya followed the topic sick aswell.......very nice

MAKE SURE YA HIT UP THE COLLAB IN MA SIG.....CHEERS..PZ

sort of good.
sort of random.
i think you have
the potential to
write something
a lot more thought
out. park life
just didn't seem to
be something that
would make me
write any more
than this.

fair enuff
last up

"I don’t plan it to embark…but dreams rocket sky high
Into the glistening nights pride…its galactic jewels mesmerise
But like aspirations I cant touch the prize…so close and yet distant
Im a victim of the system….whims fall on deaf ears that listen"-

This line did everthing... methaphorical, creativity, structure, flow...
It's all there, good concepts too... you based your peice on a old topic (lifes a rollercoaster, heard it all before) ... an brought fresh meaning to it... not many can do that... good read from a good post... uppin.

It wasnt a bad piece to be fair, i caught on to most of the wordplay in this, the flow started off strong but gradually fell off as it carried on, you had a couple of nice idea's in there, but you ruined them with your transition, rather than working with one concept then moving on gradually, you seemed to skip from idea to idea with no real content inbetween to link the throughts together. You had the basics down, but still, more internals would of strengthened the flow to this piece, and if you re-worded a few of the bars slightly they would give off more of an 'impact' if you will on the viewer as they read it. All in all this wasnt bad, a few flaws here and there you need to iron out, but that'll come with practice, the potentials there, just build on it.

Peon!