Well then...

Drop feedback on this...

And I'll give ya something on yours...

This might be more to your liking...

Peace

Born's Holiday Message

Cam This Is Seriously An Ill Piece... The Metaphors You Used Were Perfect... The Flow Was Off In Some Spots But Not Enough
To Effect The Overall Quality Of The Piece... The Plot & Story Line
Was Very Imaginative...

Overall It Was Definately Dope Man... Peace

It was told from the girls, my sisters, view you dip shit .. lol .. you didnt read the line before where it says 'the girl then spoke:' ?!


Dumbass.

Heh .. this was for my first week in the RSTL .. the biggest and best topical league on the net .. i had to come with something decent. = )

o.O
see, I told you I would reply, hoecake
man...your rhymes seem so forced in the italic portions of the writing, but maybe it's just the different accent. But with some of them....I couldn't even see any similar sounds...oh well.
work on that. but that's my only helpful crit. the rest is all "wow, you're such a good writer" and "have my babies!". Jerk.
Anyways, I actually wasn't expecting the twist at the end...I had figured out that they were relatives, but not that he was the other kid. great work, dood.

Can you acutally order a shot on the rocks? wouldn't ice take up too much of the shot glass?

^ It rhymes, technical details dont matter.


Never heard Nelly?!

and he who hoots in anothers silence ..

ill shit fo sho... nice concept, had meaning, and sounds like your family life is nothing pretty, but with that said, flow was great except for when i came down to the father, his whole part of the story kinda threw it off track, but you caught your flow back as soon as mom showed up, everything was impeccable, great concept again, enjoyed reading it, only thing i could find to bitch about was the dad parts flow being off...

^