^^^Hey Wait A Minute, That Sounds Like My Life

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

There's Some Pretty Funny Jokes In This Thread

Funny How KGM Is Posting All_Of Them

~1~

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?


It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

What did God say to Jesus?


"I don't care if you are my son, drop that cross one more time,
and you're out of the parade."

what did the blind, deaf, mute, retarded kid get for christmas?


























cancer!

^^^^WTF!?



^^^THATS NOT A FREEPOST.... lol great response

good shit kgm.... keep em comin

heres one......

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern stories. He goes to the hills of Kentucky and finds an old guy sitting on his porch. ''Do you have any stories you can share with me?''
The old guy says, ''Of course I do. One time old Bob's goat got loose, so we set up a search team to find it. We sat around and had a few beers and then went looking for it. We found it, then we all screwed it.''

''Well I can't put a story like that in the paper. Do you have any others - maybe a happy story?'' asked the reporter.

''Sure do,'' said the man, ''One time old Bubba's cow got loose. We set up a search party to find it. Once again, we had a few beers, looked for the cow, then we screwed it when we found it.''

''Well, I can't put that in the paper either. Do you have any sad stories?''

''Sure do. One time I got lost!''

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

^ LMAO

what do you get a 82 year old women for her birthday


''depends''

An elemenaryschool teacher in Kentuckyasked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate".

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight."

Be Careful what you ask for
A man went to the Doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The Doctor told him he couldn't allow him to have a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it is not safe," replied the Doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so bad?", asked the Doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming to town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, my wife is coming home on Sunday. I must have a double dose."

The Doctor relented saying, "OK, I'll give it to you, but you have to
report to me on Monday morning, so I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday morning, the man dragged himself in, his arm in a sling and looking awful.






The Doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied... "No one showed up."

I only know raccist jokes so dont be affended or ur a homo
but here goes a few.

how long does it take for a black women to take a shit?
answer= 9 months

what do you call 100 white people running down a hill?
answer=avalanch

what do you call 100 black people running down a hill?
answer= a mud slide

what do you call 100 mexicans runnin towards you?
answer= a jail break

what do you call a black person walkin in the street at night?
answer= a speed bump

what do you call a blond with half a brain?
answer= gifted :D

What do you call two lesbians in the closet?
*Liquor Cabinet

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
*Lickalotapuss

What do you call a lesbian with a big tounge?
*Well Hung

How do you know if Dr. Dre has a high sperm count?

*Eminem has to chew before swallowing

What is the square root of 69?

*Ate something...

A Michigan man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Michigan man politely ignored the Canadian, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The Canadian snapped his gum and said, "You Michigan folk eat the whole bread?"
The Michigan man sighed, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The Canadian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Michigan." The Canadian had a smirk on his face.

The Michigan man listened in silence. The Canadian persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

The Michigan man rolled his eyes and replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Canadian said, "We don't. In Canada, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Michigan."

The Michigan man then asked, "Do you have sex in Canada?" The Canadian smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Michigan leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

The Michigan smiled and said, "We don't. In Michigan, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the Canadians."

lol damn kgm...... the official jokester of Rap Battles.... you got my vote for it hahahaha

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."

Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.

"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.

Ian replied, "Pepper."

LOL funny shit KGM dawg.

Ok a sargeant in tha army goes to a ho' house one day for some sex,he see's tha owner and asks for tha finest and best ho she has,after meeting tha best one tha sergaent says he has a unique skill,he can make his penis errect by sayin ten'hun,tha ho asks him to show her so tha sergeant shouts ten'hun soldier,and he is as long as a horse and solid like a rock,the ho then strips at this stage and ths sargeant has lost his errection so tha ho asks him to show her his unique skill again,so tha sergaent shouts out ten'hun and nuthin happens,he's pissed and says if u don't stand to attention when i cry out ten'hun this time they'll be trouble,so again tha sergeant shouts ten'hun and still nuthin happens,so he starts tuggin,pullin and cursin at this dick,tha ho asks wot he's doing and tha sergeant replies
"for disobeying a direct order this soldier is gettin a dishonourable discharge"

LOL

ok theres a scottish man an english man and an irish man (meant to all be stupid) and they are captured by tha germans in a war,they are told they can get anything as there final wish bfore they are executed,so tha englishman asks for enuff alcohol to last for a month,tha scottishman asks for drugs to last him a month,and tha irishmn asks for enuff cigarettes to last a month,anyways 2 weeks later tha germans go check on tha hostages,they look in tha englishmans cell and he's drank himself to death,they check tha scot's and he has over dosed and is also dead,then they check on tha irishman and he say "Got a light"

a little boy runs into the house and says"momy can little girls have babys"and the mom says"no of course not"

so the little boy runs back outside and says "its ok we can play that game again

whats 6 inches long 2 inches wideand thrills women


money

how did dairy queen get pregnant?

burger king forhot to wrap his wopper

a stoner walks out of a party and and starts walking home


on the way there he runs into a man who is all bloody

so the guy drags himeself to the stoner and says"call me an ambulance" and the stoner think for a sec smiles and says"ur an ambulance"

although hes a knobhead, we really need some more kgm jokes in this thread again

Heres one for the Wanker aka. MRB

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a
huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all
before.

To make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, "Did
you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from
every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a frock and hat
worse than his, considers what he could do. "Your Majesty, that was
impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand
I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy
will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will
go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and
rejoice."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So, the Pope slapped her.

HANDY-WOMAN FOR HIRE!

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the
owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave
it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus."

A modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes ma'am," said the clerk. "I'm quite certian that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille," she replied.

A real tough guy dies and goes to hell, well he tells Satan that it won't be all that bad, and thinks hell's all a joke. So Satan tells the demons to turn the thermostat way up, and lock him up for three days.
After three days Satan goes to check up on him, but he says,''I live in the Midwest and many summer weekends are hotter than this.''

So Satan tells the demons to turn the temp erature all the way up, and to leave him in for six weeks.

So after six weeks, Satan goes to check up on him, but he says ''I grew up in the Midwest and I can remember dryspells that were hotter and longer than this.''

Well, this really gets to Satan, so he tells the demons to turn the temperature all the way down, and leave him in for six months.

After six months, Satan goes to check up on him, and he is sitting there shivering, asking,, ''What happened? Did the Cubs win the pennant?"

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"

"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

whats so good about Justin Timberlake wantin to be a wannabe Michael Jackson????????????

He's already white

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly one day so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. That day her husband also comes home unexpectedly, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The Lover says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Lover: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Lover: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Lover: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$25."
In the next few weeks, it happens again and the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet together again.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Lover: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
The Lover remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "$75"
Lover: "Fine"
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball around."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church for confession." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up
to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the
water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond
and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond
and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over
the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a
truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a
shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way
to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a
lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped
up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an
eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over
the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which
bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

Bubba and Jimmy Joe

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy, Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

Three Bullets

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room intears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."

^lmoa.. this is funny imma find some will post em later

How Men And Women Shower:



How To Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper

according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced
with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of
your wiener and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain
was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

NO, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now very alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed in the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled
giggle: "Me."

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class; as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard: "T T T 1 A"

She looked at the children and said, "Who wrote this?" Johnny raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher." "Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" asked the teacher. Johnny answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple'," and with that, he gave the teacher an apple. "Very good," says the teacher, "Thank you."

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices, once again, something written on the board. This time, the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1 O" She asked the children, "Who wrote this?" Then Mary answers, "I did, teacher." The teacher says, "Well, Mary, what does that mean?" Mary says, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange'," and she gives! the teacher
an orange. "Very nice, Mary, thank you", said the teacher.

The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the chalkboard "F U C K 1 T" Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!!" Then Pepito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher." Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, Pepito?" "It means, 'From Us Cuban Kids, 1 Tamal."