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this is a very good piece and is WAY beyond my level in poetry....but i've only been at it for 2 years now so yea....you had a few lines that mafe me lose interest but i don't feel like going back to them but most of the poem had me very deep in interest....you can work on your metas and shit....structure is always important to me in text....so work on that too....this should definantly be stickied tho....i aint into Nas or anything so i can't agree with anyone on that....but this was a very good piece, very good imagery and all the emotion was there....i was thinkin it was a girl at first cuz the first verse i can relate to in that way so when you threw that twist in i was like wow he's good lol...decent vocab and yea....we can all elevate and that's the truth you get a 9/10
return some feed on the next OM or poem i do i'll pm you the link peace |
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its totally cool. Im still waitin what u have to say.. sweft |
First off i'd like to say that i liked your piece. Reading through it
i thought to myself, yeah he definitely has writing ability but the subject matter is kind of overdone and somewhat unoriginal. And honestly that was kind of a turn off, i mean you can only read so much of this type of stuff before it becomes predictable content wise. But then i got to the end and was pleasantly supprised by the little twist you threw in. Here i was the whole time thinking a chick was the basis for the poem, when it turned out to be hip-hop. Now i can't say i've seen this concept before, it mave have been done, but it really made your piece in my opinion. I mean i can honestly say that caught me off gaurd and that's a good thing. What made it good is that you didn't really let on that it was anything other than a girl. That to me was the strongest thing about your piece and it's good to see you utilize it, very creative indeed. However with bad comes good and i saw a few areas where you could stand to improve. To me and it may just be me, but this really seemed like more of an om than a poem due to the constant internal rhyming and set scheme throughout the piece. You did place emphasis on the emotion which is typical of poetry in most peoples opinion but i thought having to adhere to the scheme and keep with the internals hindered it a bit. I would have liked to have seen you move away from that and into a more free verse type of poem. In my opinion it allows you to say so much more as well as be way more creative with your ideas. Where as with a rap or topical or whatever you have to keep that flow by rhyming and throwing in some words that arent necessarily important to to what you're conveying. Oh and i was just reading it again and i saw something that also kind of struck me as confusing. I liked how you personified hip-hop but some of the lines were kind of odd if you think about it. Like where you talked about your wanting to hold hands and the part where you leaned in to kiss. These lines kind of made me think that maybe you forgot for a second that you were talking about hip-hop. Now i know you were trying to make it seem like you were talking about a girl but i really feel like you could do without lines like those. As they just add to the speculation that you hadn't intended the twist all along. Anyways it's late and ive rambled off a page already, lol so i'm going to stop right there. Sorry if i didnt live up to your expectations as far as my criticism but i did my best to give you my honest breakdown. Regardless keep at it hope i helped somewhat -peace |
whoah, what a explanation..
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Damn hommie...great drop, a love letter to hip hop...the concept has been thought of b-4, but you really made it work for you. The emotion was obviously tha strongest aspect of this drop. Ya structure was a lil off in some places, but ya vivid rhymes made every line enjoyable. Great Drop
Overall...9.5/10 RTF on a link in tha sig |
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Well, first and formost thank your for your input. Think about this mkay. When your with a bomb ass chick right and walkin´ in the mall. You wanna hold her hand and put your arm around her to show her off. Now about me kissing Hip Hop. Ever seen people freestyling? You know you been waiting for that moment to jump in and show people what you got. That is what I mean by the kiss. People laughing at me because I was trying to freestyle. I didnt forget what I was writing about. I thought this through for a while and it took forever. I am a slow writer. :thumbup: Well thank you and the favor will be returned! Sweft |
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