yea im never droppin early again.....lol i got a black eye now^^^......lol

lol i know.....n y u got a black eye???

o forget me u on about mi punch!!!!

fuck all that shit.... yo trust make sure i dont go agianst sum pud next week

what's a pud? lol

Aiyo, anyone give me feedback on this verse i'm going to use at RB? I'm facing someone dope as hell. This is just a draft and a couple personals might not make sense, but here it goes.

Fuck you and ya small weener, my raps prove that I'm meaner
N' ya school never took ya on fieldtrips, so i'm taking ya to the cleaners
Better spend time on concepts or I'll slash ya eye sockets
But if ya have a brain dump, world pollution will skyrocket
Winning? You can't cop it, this joke will say what the worst is
What has no beginning, middle, or end? A doughnut and quote's verses
Kid's fillin' with curses, he's a sick fuck and not one to scare
Fag only let the cat outta the bag to kidnap a little girl in there
You n' wackness compare, seems tokens in arcades need order
N' if your the alien attack champ...
...............why are so many mexicans crossin' the border
Ya fucking wack, yeah I said it, ya dropped ass n' you'll regret it
Bitch, I could make a monkey out of you, but I don't wanna take the credit
N' ho ya better go n' roam or I'll be clippin' ya dome
But dawg if ya cry wolf, remember ya girl will run home
N' That's how it goes, you say peaceful? I think ya bluffin
In fact i know ya like war, cuz ya good for ABSOLUTELY nothing
Clown you ain't good for something, not even a good rhyme scheme
N' ya fall's been in the brewers so long, it'd bankrupt the team
You suck it would seem, and Kap and Born already made it clear
And I quote ... so why the fuck you still here?

nice... some off dat is real nice there was some fingz i dint get but people over at rb would... you shudda posted 1 of his battles to see what we can expect them compare em...

Alright, well which lines did you like specifically and which do you think I need to fix up a lot or drop? Here's his most recent verse against someone else... also filled with some personals that won't make sense, but this shows what kinda writer he is.

more lines dont mean ya nice, i dont get what your point is
but thanks for the info..
..now do us a favor & get the link, click it, n' join it

Quote got things under control, my punches'll threaten him
bitch i'm behind the wheel while Jay Walkers under the rest of em'
i own you, i've had it w/ you dumb fucks n' skanks
bitch, you're only down w/ the rest cuz i'm movin up in ranks
know n' diss you by name? nah, im just testin ya health
i'll refer to you in abbreviations & have you double guessin yourself
JW .. talkin shit? man fuck this veteran imposter
& btw, i've had the last word w/ literally half of your roster
you wanna talk about LW? buncha fuckin lightweights
for your info ..
..ya leader begged me to join after I put him in the right place
thought about it a bit for spit, just to shut up the dude
& after this .. i'ma be the Last Word in ya sig - n' I aint joinin ya crew
sayin i got no life, you're fuckin ironic, dont even try to fight it
somehow you managed to drop 30 lines before i could sign on and realize it
i'ma bring ya whole life to the floor, ya date total dikes
wreck ya career & have Jay W. down like I was a motor bike
i hate wastin lines on wack heads, there aint nothin worse
didn't wanna spend 30 on you in the first place..
..& that was BEFORE i read your verse
fuck this fakin flake, i'll grip ya fuckin neck and crank it
& have dudes mistake you for Lynus the way i'll leave you attatched to a blanket
call us prejudice, call us racist, either way u should flee
bitch - you'll never fit in here, except foreign ya own league
you w/ a girl? nah, those views have long been tinted
& how you expect jay to get w/ the program..
..when not one person in it is interested
shit, you were born a cripple, you come bored n' wack
& i'd cut you from the computer if I could find the ambilical chord in the back
half ya verse was filler bitch, i could stitch 15 staples up it
in the future, dont try to go fuckin 30 if u aint capable of it

heres what i think...

Fuck you and ya small weener, my raps prove that I'm meaner
N' ya school never took ya on fieldtrips, so i'm taking ya to the cleaners
nice opener, but you could get it fit fit into the concept of cleaners more if u get me?
Better spend time on concepts or I'll slash ya eye sockets
But if ya have a brain dump, world pollution will skyrocket
^^ lol i liekd this bar, hit him hard
Winning? You can't cop it, this joke will say what the worst is
What has no beginning, middle, or end? A doughnut and quote's verses
lol, original... like it
Kid's fillin' with curses, he's a sick fuck and not one to scare
Fag only let the cat outta the bag to kidnap a little girl in there
lmao, nice concept and u flipped the phrase good
You n' wackness compare, seems tokens in arcades need order
N' if your the alien attack champ...
...............why are so many mexicans crossin' the border
lol, anuva original concept flipped nicely
Ya fucking wack, yeah I said it, ya dropped ass n' you'll regret it
Bitch, I could make a monkey out of you, but I don't wanna take the credit
i dont really get this one
N' ho ya better go n' roam or I'll be clippin' ya dome
But dawg if ya cry wolf, remember ya girl will run home
lol simple but effective
N' That's how it goes, you say peaceful? I think ya bluffin
In fact i know ya like war, cuz ya good for ABSOLUTELY nothing
nice punch here..... getting back on track
Clown you ain't good for something, not even a good rhyme scheme
N' ya fall's been in the brewers so long, it'd bankrupt the team
not really feelni this, dno y tho somethnig missing
You suck it would seem, and Kap and Born already made it clear
And I quote
Quote:
Originally Posted by Born To Kill
Quote Loses

... so why the fuck you still here?
decent closure, nice punch

ight there was some real nice punches in there and a couople that didnt make sense or i wasnt feeling, but other than that i would think you could take the battle with that verse i liked it alot good job man

Thanks for the detailed feed man, I appreciate it.

Btw,
Ya fucking wack, yeah I said it, ya dropped ass n' you'll regret it
Bitch, I could make a monkey out of you, but I don't wanna take the credit

What I'm saying is basically I don't want to make him a monkey and have people think it was me. I'm saying he's already a monkey without my help. I think it makes sense and doesn't need rewording, but anyone else not get it?

The brewers line is referring to the Milwaukee brewers, but maybe it's a bit forced and I'll drop that bar and remove it with something else.

Anymore feedback?

ye the brewers line sounded a bit forced but i get the punch not n its not that bad

how about this instead? lol

Legendary? But dude ya wack, n' I dunno what I'm a missin'
I'm a threat to popeyes... bitch your just a threat to eat chicken

lol ye made me laugh... nice concept aswell

Phat, I'll put it in........

kool..... when uve got some time dya fink u could drop a vote in my battle wit pictureperfect2 in kll... both dropped a day ago n no one voted yet... ill appriciate it if u do thnx

that verse was hot!........
we def should battle someday
it'll be dope

I've never read any of the KLL battles and don't vote there cause I'm not in the league and surely anyone I voted against would complain. Here's some feedback though. Keep in mind I'm a tough grader cause I don't believe in telling someone a bar is dope unless it's truely dope.

almost a day for that? to be honest i was expecting more,
punches original? naa becuz we've heard em all before,
This is okay, but it's kinda basic, no wit to it
yet on your music............. you keep failing to be heard,
u got writers block the way u recycled off fuxjustaword,
Good concept, but coulda been executed better. I woulda been more like this "Kid recycles so much from fuxjustaword, he's helpin wit the environment" Ya know, add wit to it, don't just state it
i aint used to dealin wit throwbacks, already been torn,
it's like an x rated shop the way im leaving him pawned,
This is what i call a threat punch. Kinda creative I guess, but I don't think it's harsh
diss my accent, hail the queen, but you can't spoil me,
but ill jack this so called king and murk him wit royalty,
Same thing as above... cool concept, but just a statement/threat... no punch to it. A punch woulda been more like "N' when he jacks a king is the ONLY time he's royalty"
you hot? faggot u cant get ya voice heard on the speakers,
in fact you so cold, people fail to see you with heat seakers,
heat/cold stuff is kinda played

There ya go man

i guess i dont have any chances at making the playoffs now....dammit......

Yeah I'd be down sometime hot on a week where I gotta lotta time and not much to write for.

thanks man i appriciate it.... ill work on them next week

I think the main thing you gotta work on is wit.. you got the idea of how to throw punches and have them land, but most of yours were too basic so you gotta work on developing your concepts differently to have that more wit to them. I remember the same thing with your 1-2 punch, just too basic. Just keep working on that, it takes time.

Btw, anymore detailed feedback about what else to change in my verse would be appreciated anyone? I feel like maybe the closer could be better.. it's referring to how he lost in the tournament last week, but was still given a match this week when it's a single elimination tourney. Here's it updated:

Better empty ya pockets for concepts or I'll slash ya eye sockets
But if ya have a brain dump, world pollution will skyrocket
Winning? You can't cop it, this joke will say what the worst is
What has no beginning, middle, or end? A doughnut and quote's verses
Kid's fillin' with curses, this sick fuck's not one to scare
Fag only let the cat outta the bag to kidnap a little girl in there
You n' wackness compare, seems tokens in arcades need order
N' if your the alien attack champ...
...............why are so many mexicans crossin' the border
You talk big, but ya rude, n' no you ain't a pimp dude
Your a Don Juan with the ladies, cuz they Don Juan to be seen with you!
Ya fucking wack too, ya dropped ass n' you'll regret it
Bitch, I could make a monkey out of you, but I don't wanna take the credit
So ho, go off n' roam, or I'll be clippin' ya dome
But dawg if ya cry wolf, remember ya girl will run home
N' that's how it goes, you say peaceful? I think ya bluffin
In fact i know ya like war, cuz ya good for ABSOLUTELY nothing
Legendary? But dude ya wack, n' I dunno what I'm a missin'
I'm a threat to pop eyes... bitch your just a threat to eat chicken
Damn you suck n' ya sickened, Born and Kap made it clear
And I quote ... SO YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE!

ye... i tend to write it real quick and just drop it, without improving it, i just dont have alot of time, so ill see next week

geeze i better be getting a LW,MW, or HW title match soon, im on like a 10 battle win streak

Well your tied for 10th before your match this week.. top 6 get title matches so you have to rise a little more

^^^you need to catch up too, your almost there.....

the tourny beat you and u dont even hate the shit
cuz stupid bitches love comin back to abusive relationships

Yeah.. I'm Cool..

Oh yeah, I'll be able to close battles and shit on Sunday..

..because I'm just so sexy.

cool.................

Yeah, word. Nah mean?

u gta vote on mine n prems battel before tho coz its 5-5 cant let it be a tie :cool:

That car is sick in your sig.

..I just thought I'd update you with my opinion on your sig, nah mean?

my ride is better :thumbup:

bycicles dont count :bored:

Doomsday's ride is better then yours.

*xzibit walks in*

wut wut, now thats what im talkin 'bout, PIMPP

*does x thing with arms*

Good thing I won by KO this week. Should help me stay up there.

good thing i fuck bitches :cool:

Your hand and your sigs don't count as fucking Drakel. Sorry.