i got one.

one day a teacher walks into her classroom to see the word "penus" written on her board in 3 inch high letters. annoyed she quickly grabbed the board cleaner and rubbed it out.

the next day the same teacher went into the same classroom and found the word "penus" once again written on the board, except this time the letters were 5 inches high. once again, she rubbed the word out.

the third day the teacher came into her classroom to once again find the word "penus" wirtten on the board, this time the letter were 7 inches high. she rubbed the word out again.

the fourth day to teacher walked into her classroom once again expected to see "penus" written on the board. to her surprise she found something else was written there:

"the more you rub it, the bigger it gets!!"

LOL... i've heard that one before. I'll post some more tomorrow.

A bitch walks into a sex shop and says "can i have that red dildo on the wall display?"

the store manger replies "sorry but our fire extinguishers are not for sale... safety reasons and all"

DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

2 retards want to go to disney land for a vacation so they get there stuff packed and and leave in there truck....when they get to a 3 way stop it says "disneyland" left....so they turn around and go back home...

hahahahaa....

lmfao, damn

THE AMISH ELEVATOR . . .
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that,could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an obese
older woman in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed
a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son "Go get your mother."

Life Explained

On the first day Lord created cow. And Lord said,
"You must go to the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and
give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a
life span of sixty years."

Cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want
me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty
years and I'll give back the other forty." And Lord
agreed.

On the second day Lord created dog. And to dog,
Lord said, "Sit all day by the door of your house
and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
I will give you a life span of twenty years."

Dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me
ten years and I'll give back the other ten. So Lord
agreed (sigh).

On the third day Lord created monkey. Lord said,
"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them
laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty
years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so
that's what I'll do too, okay? And Lord agreed again.

On the fourth day Lord created man. Lord said,
"Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man.
Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow
gave back, and the ten monkey gave back, and the
ten dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said Lord. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next
forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks
to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last
ten years we sit in front of the house and bark
at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

^^oh fuck, i'm 21 in 6 months...:(

Carlos returns from the doctor and tells his wife, Marta, that the Doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Carlos asks Marta for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they "get busy".

About six hours later, Carlos goes to Marta and says, "Mami chula, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Vamos a hechar el polvo one more time?". Of course Marta agrees and they do it again.

Later, as Carlos gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches Marta's shoulder and asks, "Mami, please....just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course mi papi chulo" and they make love for the third time.

After this session, Marta rolls over and falls asleep. Carlos, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps Marta and says "Nena, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could........." At this point Marta sits up and says, "Mira Cabron, I gotta get up in the morning.....YOU DON'T!

thas crazy man

why cant hellen keller drive?

cuz shes a woman

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking
for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A
few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string
on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking
for some
tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I
sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back
with
a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much
cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own . so does
she."

For The Ladies:
Five things that make a great relationship:

1.It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.

& finally:

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other

Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in
love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr.
Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,
you
are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should
do
us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that
Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will
you
do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far..."

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell
The Devil says"Well we are crowded right now, but I like you. So we'll let you pick a room, and whoever is in the room leaves and goes to heaven".
The first room is a man running track.
Bill says"I hate runnin"
the second room has a man swimming in a pool
Bill Says"I hate swimmin"
the third room has Monica Lewinsky suckin an old mans dick
Bill Says"I want to stay here,Oh YEAH"
Sevil says"O.K Monica, you can go now"

Theres this couple making out.
The girl says, "I need to pee",
so the guy tells her"go into the bushes"
so she goes in
the guy, being horny as fuck reaches insid, and feels something hard,long, and cold.
hes surprised and says "Honey, did you change your sex?"
she goes
"No I changed my mind, i have to take a shit"

there were three asian daughters and their mother
The Mother tells them to bring their boyfriends for dinner
and into the night they'll have sex
So they bring the men, have dinner and the mother tells them to go into the room.
She passes in fron of each room.
The first room, she heard screaminThats good she thought
the second room she heard screechingThats goodshe thought
the last room she heard nothingWhat the fuck?
so she takes them in the morning and gives them analysis
She goes to the first daughter."i heard screaming, thats good"
The second one"I heard screeching, thats good"
the third one"I heard nothing, what happened in there, low sex drive?"
the daughter replied "Well Mommy, you taught me never to talk with my mouth full"

lol lol lol lol............................................... .................................................. .....

^^He didnt make all them up^^

He got them from a website...I read them before

And some got passed around where I work. I never claimed to be the joke creator, and the thread did not say "original jokes only". Moron

This Ones For Bazzy!


After a long night of making love this guy rolls
over and was looking around when he noticed a framed
picture of another man on the night stand by the
bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
> > > > >
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all" she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied...
"That's me before the surgery."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!"

How Do U Fit 40 Dead Babys In The Back Of A Trunk?
A Pitch-Fork

How Did Helen Kelar Burn Her Face?
She Answered The Iron

How Did She Burn It Again?
They Called Back

Have U Ever Seen Helen Kelars House?
Neither Has She

Why Did Hitler Commit Suicide?
He Got His Gas Bill

Whats Better?
8 Dead Babys In 1 Trash Can
or
1 Dead Baby In 8 Trash Cans

How Do U Fit 700 Jews In A Car?
The Ashtray

Whats The Average Students In GA Got On There SAT'z?
Drool

Lets Play War
I'll Just Lay Here And U Can Blow The Hell Out Of Me

Amend Thinkin' He Has Skills... LMMFAO

Uhhh? O...........K? Riiiiight ;)

After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

A Mom is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce? "That is enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, all you need to do is look at her drivers' license. It is like a report card for grown-ups, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce. "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."

What's Wrong with a Cadi crashin wit 5 Negro's in it??

It holds 6.

wtf wit tha jesus jokes

lol nice jokes

Are you offended or something?

then wat happend? lol

jus a little bit but dont matter their funny

ok a preist and a taxi driver die at the same time and go to heaven.
So then they find out that only one of them can get to heaven.
So saint peter goes to a computer and looks up their lives and says to the taxi driver "you may enter heaven my son"
the guy goes in, and the priest says to saint peter"what was that about? he's a taxi driver and i'm a priest, and he gets into heaven and I don't???"
and saint peter says"no you dont understand its all about statistics. When you preach, the people sleep. When he drives, they pray."

what's the difference between a nigga and a octopus?


i dunno, but it sure can pick cotton.

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his Mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing? " The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." say's the boy. "Why is that? asked his Mom, puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up"

U-G-L-Y, you aint got no allaby you ugly yeah yeah you ugly. M-A-M-A how you think you got that way? ya mama yeah yeah ya mama.
-DuB

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!" "BLOW JOBS!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month" he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true no more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, she was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. However, the woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less-than-riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone!"