Three Bullets

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room intears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."

^lmoa.. this is funny imma find some will post em later

How Men And Women Shower:



How To Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper

according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced
with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of
your wiener and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain
was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

NO, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now very alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed in the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled
giggle: "Me."

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class; as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard: "T T T 1 A"

She looked at the children and said, "Who wrote this?" Johnny raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher." "Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" asked the teacher. Johnny answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple'," and with that, he gave the teacher an apple. "Very good," says the teacher, "Thank you."

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices, once again, something written on the board. This time, the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1 O" She asked the children, "Who wrote this?" Then Mary answers, "I did, teacher." The teacher says, "Well, Mary, what does that mean?" Mary says, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange'," and she gives! the teacher
an orange. "Very nice, Mary, thank you", said the teacher.

The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the chalkboard "F U C K 1 T" Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!!" Then Pepito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher." Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, Pepito?" "It means, 'From Us Cuban Kids, 1 Tamal."

i got one.

one day a teacher walks into her classroom to see the word "penus" written on her board in 3 inch high letters. annoyed she quickly grabbed the board cleaner and rubbed it out.

the next day the same teacher went into the same classroom and found the word "penus" once again written on the board, except this time the letters were 5 inches high. once again, she rubbed the word out.

the third day the teacher came into her classroom to once again find the word "penus" wirtten on the board, this time the letter were 7 inches high. she rubbed the word out again.

the fourth day to teacher walked into her classroom once again expected to see "penus" written on the board. to her surprise she found something else was written there:

"the more you rub it, the bigger it gets!!"

LOL... i've heard that one before. I'll post some more tomorrow.

A bitch walks into a sex shop and says "can i have that red dildo on the wall display?"

the store manger replies "sorry but our fire extinguishers are not for sale... safety reasons and all"

DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

2 retards want to go to disney land for a vacation so they get there stuff packed and and leave in there truck....when they get to a 3 way stop it says "disneyland" left....so they turn around and go back home...

hahahahaa....

lmfao, damn

THE AMISH ELEVATOR . . .
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that,could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an obese
older woman in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed
a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son "Go get your mother."

Life Explained

On the first day Lord created cow. And Lord said,
"You must go to the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and
give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a
life span of sixty years."

Cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want
me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty
years and I'll give back the other forty." And Lord
agreed.

On the second day Lord created dog. And to dog,
Lord said, "Sit all day by the door of your house
and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
I will give you a life span of twenty years."

Dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me
ten years and I'll give back the other ten. So Lord
agreed (sigh).

On the third day Lord created monkey. Lord said,
"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them
laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty
years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so
that's what I'll do too, okay? And Lord agreed again.

On the fourth day Lord created man. Lord said,
"Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man.
Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow
gave back, and the ten monkey gave back, and the
ten dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said Lord. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next
forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks
to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last
ten years we sit in front of the house and bark
at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

^^oh fuck, i'm 21 in 6 months...:(

Carlos returns from the doctor and tells his wife, Marta, that the Doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Carlos asks Marta for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they "get busy".

About six hours later, Carlos goes to Marta and says, "Mami chula, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Vamos a hechar el polvo one more time?". Of course Marta agrees and they do it again.

Later, as Carlos gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches Marta's shoulder and asks, "Mami, please....just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course mi papi chulo" and they make love for the third time.

After this session, Marta rolls over and falls asleep. Carlos, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps Marta and says "Nena, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could........." At this point Marta sits up and says, "Mira Cabron, I gotta get up in the morning.....YOU DON'T!