thas crazy man

why cant hellen keller drive?

cuz shes a woman

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking
for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A
few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string
on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking
for some
tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I
sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back
with
a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much
cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own . so does
she."

For The Ladies:
Five things that make a great relationship:

1.It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.

& finally:

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other

Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in
love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr.
Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,
you
are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should
do
us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that
Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will
you
do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far..."

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell
The Devil says"Well we are crowded right now, but I like you. So we'll let you pick a room, and whoever is in the room leaves and goes to heaven".
The first room is a man running track.
Bill says"I hate runnin"
the second room has a man swimming in a pool
Bill Says"I hate swimmin"
the third room has Monica Lewinsky suckin an old mans dick
Bill Says"I want to stay here,Oh YEAH"
Sevil says"O.K Monica, you can go now"

Theres this couple making out.
The girl says, "I need to pee",
so the guy tells her"go into the bushes"
so she goes in
the guy, being horny as fuck reaches insid, and feels something hard,long, and cold.
hes surprised and says "Honey, did you change your sex?"
she goes
"No I changed my mind, i have to take a shit"

there were three asian daughters and their mother
The Mother tells them to bring their boyfriends for dinner
and into the night they'll have sex
So they bring the men, have dinner and the mother tells them to go into the room.
She passes in fron of each room.
The first room, she heard screaminThats good she thought
the second room she heard screechingThats goodshe thought
the last room she heard nothingWhat the fuck?
so she takes them in the morning and gives them analysis
She goes to the first daughter."i heard screaming, thats good"
The second one"I heard screeching, thats good"
the third one"I heard nothing, what happened in there, low sex drive?"
the daughter replied "Well Mommy, you taught me never to talk with my mouth full"

lol lol lol lol............................................... .................................................. .....

^^He didnt make all them up^^

He got them from a website...I read them before

And some got passed around where I work. I never claimed to be the joke creator, and the thread did not say "original jokes only". Moron

This Ones For Bazzy!


After a long night of making love this guy rolls
over and was looking around when he noticed a framed
picture of another man on the night stand by the
bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
> > > > >
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all" she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied...
"That's me before the surgery."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!"

How Do U Fit 40 Dead Babys In The Back Of A Trunk?
A Pitch-Fork

How Did Helen Kelar Burn Her Face?
She Answered The Iron

How Did She Burn It Again?
They Called Back

Have U Ever Seen Helen Kelars House?
Neither Has She

Why Did Hitler Commit Suicide?
He Got His Gas Bill

Whats Better?
8 Dead Babys In 1 Trash Can
or
1 Dead Baby In 8 Trash Cans

How Do U Fit 700 Jews In A Car?
The Ashtray

Whats The Average Students In GA Got On There SAT'z?
Drool

Lets Play War
I'll Just Lay Here And U Can Blow The Hell Out Of Me