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August stand out - "Ironies Battlefield"
[[Verse One]]
*Laying In My Cot Inside The Tent* My head rests against my pillows while I still hold steps Dancing against thoughts of all the dead men that I’ve left Distressed in this dessert while I rest upon natures bold breast So cold yet, it's actually a high temp away from the wars mind set And I’ve let the past get trapped inside my minds back stash Say I’ve moved past when in fact my eyes re-pace every last pass Through these mass tracks tracked all over and past Iraq And how mass action has left more backs cracked then knapsacks And just ask back to your government who's loven it, "Who's Gonna Win?" Watch-in young men cover this terrorists one movement Losing tons of men, just a dime a dosen with no loves but government Shovin em to the fronts of a list to get killed as if genocide wasa gift Bombs all hit the tents adjacent as I pace this place of instant cremation Just an instant I was playing poker and facin the man now deterioratin I knew their names n all their ranks n now lays timid greatness All these thoughts creating so much hatred and it's seen in my patients As I walk tward the outdoors beyond my tents five foot tall doors My eyes fall tourn from thought to the four fronts of the front lines floor [[Chorus]] While My Thoughts Race... Remains Only One Question That Stains... My Mind Tarnished By Hate... Pump The Trigga, Leave These Killers Screaming In Horror... More For My Own Gain Now... So Many Inocents Killed So Its So Ironic How I Blow This Families House Down... [[Verse Two]] *Running Out To Battle* Burst out from my tent and duck down to avoid being struck down Feel the dust now under my guts pounds with gravel skraping my bust down Hear the one sound of help ring out lound as the medic rushed out See threw the dust cloud a woman stressed out as she screamed out lound Now I turn right and glance right at my guns and in-return fight Fire two to burn right threw this man with verbs as I obscure rights Just as quick i'm served tite breaths from a bullit that with every inch earns might "God Dammit!" I yell until I learn I only took a shot to suspend my femur's life As I saw the enemy break our strong hold and charge with bare arms Gurilla spars, no method to harm just all agression focused withought fair arms No guns, their amo was far from suficient in comparisins with our spair charms Just as the thought past I saw an image, that of man who had a gat withim No more sand packs to crouch behind or against, just me fighting off this attack with hands [[Chorus]] While My Thoughts Race... Remains Only One Question That Stains... My Mind Tarnished By Hate... Pump The Trigga, Leave These Killers Screaming In Horror... More For My Own Gain Now... So Many Inocents Killed So Its So Ironic How I Blow This Families House Down... [[Verse Three]] *Will I See Tomarrow?* Charging at me starting to put my guard up to retard his motives Look quickly to my right and start at my nife since I had no clips or bullits Pull it out and reach out to ground as I duck, jump and rip threw him Only gouging his shoulder as he pounced and hit me with brute fists Two hits to my face drops me like eight bricks slowing my pace But I caught his neck, leg behind his, lay him on the ground like he's tryn to pray Jump, sit on his stomach and smother his face with my gun butt Nocked him one with my knife across his neck, he was fucked Watch him bleed to death, swallow his last breath as I took off I layd this man to rest, but couldnt be phased so I shook off Looked tough in others eyes cuz I killed someone seezin strong sites But I presede to shun that witch is my units lease on life Cuz to me it's more like you play the game with whatever the pieces of life. [[Goodnight]] Now The Battle Comes To Hault Fields Clearing But My Pain Still Vaults... Hop This Horse And Pace The Brain... God Willing One Day I'll Move Away From Pain... But As For Tomarrow... I'll Break Again Scarred From Our War... |
Wow...
Slept To Def... .One. |
hahahahah shit mayn that was dope................... your concept was amazing well............. your depth in the storytelling was dope.. your entire drop was amazing except..... that you mispelled some words............. thats basically your only flaw in this...... ummmmmmmm 9.2/10:) http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=144314 you check the link already tho:D |
That was real nice man i could picture the whole thing goin on in my head, the overall flow was good and your vocab helped your imagery... id say 8.5/10
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Holy shi this is fucking fucking dope nice shit and nice structure i liked everything i think this is worthy for august open mic
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Yeah Yea...The Boy Has Talent...The Concept Of The Rhyme Was Sumthin Like A Genius, I Liked It Homeboy, Keep Doin Ya Thang..
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tha shit was hot man...got talent...keep it-up..
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yo, that had sum nice mulities holmes. that wuz dope, werd
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the was some dope shit man the best of august all around nice 9.5/10no ones perfect lol but it was some dope shit rite there
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Upping...
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Upping...
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well Abstrakt ur sheit is way beyond da sheit i've been reading so far u should get open mic for agust fo sho da way u made me invisison da way it all happen and i noe dat it did if not dang u made it seem like u lived thru it....structure wuz good sheit easy to read lyrical content wuz good too but good sheit in all...........gone
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Thanks Playah...
And If You All Are Feeling This... Then Drop Me A Nomination In The "Nominations" Thread At The Top Of This Forums... I'm Gettin No Love Up There... .One. |
yo dat shit was kinda tight it had
nice wordplay n sum serious flow i was feeling it good shit dawg |
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^Going To Have To Agree With This Catt' Right Here..!!!!!! ... Concept Was Straight - & - Depth Was Safe ... Had A Few Mispelled Words.. - Nobodys Perfect lol.. Everybody Has 'Em Through-Out There Life Time.. - Very Minor....!!! - Wasn't To Harsh On Your Verse' ... 9.432/10 - Was A Nice Piece From You! |
inadequate feedback
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^^^^ the people who left rubbish feed back like... hot mayne..
are moron's if i catch you doign that again i'll just bann you from this forum . . please leave real feedback. This is poetry. I say this because it would be impossible to make a song. You've squeezed too many word's into one bar to try & increase vocab. I mean, it's good no dout but not even twista could make that an audio. i also realised you used a smaller font Anyway on content it was like a name with 3 topic's.. You did have multi's there . . alot which made it hard to understand your topic.. multi's are good but to many make what people read confusing Quote:
This is cool . . Although i think motives and bullet's is a half assed rhyme . . which could have been thought about better Quote:
I think this was a good chorus.. it's the only thing i really understood over the open mic's name. Overall it's not the best i've seen .. because many rhymes were forced and not all self-explained Quote:
Maybe because i'm english... but i dont understand this you'll need to explain this . . to me. overall 7.7/10 it's a good score.. my average is 6.77/10. peace. |
bomb shit liked it alot, good visuals,and nice word play, feeling it , had an all around good vibe which was nice, had a super easy flow, but the chorus coulda used a lil work , but who am i to judge peace
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(Directed At Masked)...
Woooooow... Thats A Breakdown... But Ya, The Whole "Two Hits Drops My Like Eight Bricks"... Like Two Punches To The Face And I Fell Fast Like Eight Bricks... Bricks From A Building... And Ya The Motives-Bullits Was A Stretch But I Just Needed It For The Story... But Ya The Lines Are Strectched... But Its Text, And Due To The Numerous Multies Is I Was Gonna Make This Audio I Could Just Chop Everyone Of Those Lines In Half... And Shit Will Still Flow As Good It Would Just LOOk Longer But It WOULD Flow Better On Audio... Thanks For That Breakdown Though, This Board Needs More Responses Like That... .One. |
No problem.. it's good.
It should be nominated...but everyone has opinon's. |
yes, i absolutely agree w/ mostly everyone one here, this was a beautifully written, well crafted piece that seemed to have taken you a lot of time, you used your words in a way that captured the imagery perfectly,,once again you have proved to us that you have skill, and that your an artist....................peace 1
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You are definitely a talented writer. I am, however, a bit confused as to your choice of content.. Is this a counter-conscience centered flow or is it really meant to be the 'I leave people dead, I step over them and keep it movin', keep it gangsta'flow? (Know what I mean?)
On another note.Your writing.. I bet you write poetry with little effort and great results.. If you do not write poetry very much, do it more. I almost guarantee you that you will have found yet another love. |
This is a certafiable win, nice way to set an example of how to drop an open mic. You got my vote.
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Nice Question... But It's Alittle Of Both... Because In The Piece I'm Very, Almost Disturbed By Whats Goes On... But I Continually Move On... So It Doesnt Rep Killing It Doesnt Put It Down... It Reps Doing What You Have To Do No Matter How You Actually Feel... And Ya I Have Like Three Poetry Drops On Rv's Poetry Forum... And I WAS In The Poetry League And Winning But That Shit Died Out... But Ya, Poetry Does Come Pretty Easy... Because When I Do Topical I Write Poetry But Add Tons Of Multies... But With Poetry I Have More Freedom Because It Doesnt Even Have To Rhym At All, Let Alone Have 2 Or 3 Multies Schemes Revolving Threw 1 Bar... And Thanks For All The Support People... .One. |
yea i vote it the best open mic for the month cos damn you got skillzz
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yo that was dope man hell it would be...
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Mayne When U Pm Ask Me To Look At Dis Shit It Wqas Worth It Mayne Dayum Nice Drop
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Amazing piece and when asked "is it worthy of best open mic of the month", I say yes, in.
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Fer real man that was some tight shit .. Real deep n had meaning bro..Good shit..
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now that shit was amazing it was a basterd to read cos the words were so small but im gonna have to give this to ya it was amazing in my opinion the storyline itself was hot id definitly say its worth open mic of the month...
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i agree totley im a vote it for open mic of the mounth garenteed |
agree
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i agree totley im a vote it for open mic of the mounth garenteed |
by the way can some one help me with my batles please
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Vote You Mean???...
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doin ya thang kidd
keep ya gunz up |
Yo that was tight I liked the topic the whole thing was really def
Good rhymes and everything i give u a 9.5/10 |
Like all's said already, great depth, amazing visualisation. Actually thought you must have some relative experience to have written this... you're fifteen years only, that makes this piece a piece of artwork. Well developed inner vision. The stuff of great writers. Listen to me goin' on like some old Hinglish Teacher n all, LOL, but I'm seriously impressed with this. August: in, no doubt about that. Still haven't figured out how to work this forum so I hope my vote gets counted here. i tried once and it knocked me back.
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Ayo Thanks For The Love...
Upping... .One. |
Flowed Perfect..Nice Structure/RhymesScene..Good Vocab!!..That Was One OfThe best Poetry I Ever Seen..
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Fire ass drop, definitely a contender for open mic of the month. vocab was nice, imagery on point, spelling, oh well cant be perfect. keep droppin the hot shit.
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