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Billy Baghdad vs Poetic Artist
Battle Rules:
20-100 Lines No Crew Votes No Recycling No Biting Just simply battle me and shut the fuck up kid. Topic as chosen by nieja- Devils on her mind Minimum posts to vote: 500 Check in by: 04-11-06 at 04:38 AM Must drop verse in 2880 minutes after check in. |
Billy Baghdad has ACCEPTED this battle on 04-11-06 03:11 AM.
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Poetic Artist has ACCEPTED this battle on 04-11-06 03:20 AM.
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werd!........................lets do it! :thumbup:
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meh, might key my verse after I get drunk with my bros.
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*editors notes: Please when reading this take note of the rhyme scheme used in the first 2 diary entrys. Aswell as the signifigance to the titles. In Who am I , she starts to loose sanity and go on about things that dont make much sense, take note when you vote.
-Poetic Artist- Devils on her mind
 Dear Diary Opening Thoughts You commaned and I listened, Placed my soul in your hands I was stranded and missing, I tasted your goal and you ran slit wrist's and drunk my own blood, why didnt you not drink aswell? Im a misfit appreciatting your love, but I think your from hell your eyes they show pictures of hate, fire and despair the lies?I wish you would wait, not choke me with this wire of fear bleed the pain of god, each time you touch my heart You seem the same but odd, a priest mind is sold from start fate is rare and stalking, but you seem to of froze his look wait!! I can hear you walking, I better close this book. Dear Diary Who am I? Residing here in this empty room, my pen and diary im hyding near mums freindly womb,reality seems so firey wish you could reply, instead I speak to my thoughts you kiss me from the sky, Im dead and this lifes distraught prospecting your goals, forced me to be your prodige'e im not testing souls, applaused me but please just go away Times in slow motion, and the bullets heading straight for my brain my minds had your potion, death will come if i wait and remain Dear Diary Lifes prevail vivid dream of tomorrow,but thats proberly just the end of time Knees putting holes in the floor as I pray to god's mind he's obviously cut his ears off cause he refused to hear me speak I tried to slice my wrist, but devils even made the knife to weak tormenting chants fill the air while an ery silence fills my mind tryna visualize my future yet regret whats been left behind small glimps thru a window allows the sight of smoldering rain I strongly carry myself on my back to shoulder the pain with the shakiest steps I move thru the halls arradiatted voice Malfunctioning words,separating thoughts,my mind has eliminated choice Information pending, I search for the property of the devil eyes burn with agony, I just want answers to reveal as I flip the wallet, it all comes signifigantly true I read my name on his ID, do you know the feeling when the devil is you? |
“Josie, the burden ” . . . Closed eyes, dark image, shady reflection in mist Indiscretions from imperfect regrets in the mix Dangerous demons lead to deranged distinctions And dominate the duty derived from childcare to discretion A baby raised by a postpartum stuck in a daze A vague memory of many men lost in a haze She welcomed them into her bed with out a word to be said Slurs of curses in anger emerge in her head The day of the test brought pain and unrest This test, not for school or sport but for a pregnancy check . . . . . Now a child lost and lonely, receives the love of a phony Someone who hates this life, and her own daughter named Josie A slaughter, a murder, these are the thoughts that she ponders And wonders, the idea, it just dawned her Could I do it, abuse this little bundle of joy Should I choke her, break her neck, make her swallow a toy Or toss her on a slate and puraid her little ass with a blade Spray mace in her face until she can’t breathe and she fades I shouldn’t do it! I wont! but I could! cause I can! Homicidal arguments with herself in a trance Screams from the kid, having dreams in the crib Mother drinking and she seams to just flip Grabs the bottle and breaks it, this crazy lady cant take it .......No! she didn’t kill josie....... She put the glass on her own skin and she scraped it Bleeding and sufferin’… and her blood its just gushin’ Disgustin’ but shes lovin the feeling of nothin’ A numbness she’s trustin’ cause it keeps the demons from fussin’ Now its calm, quiet, the sound collectively drawn And she looks down in awe as she sees she used her own arm as a pawn . . . . . Now she talks to doctors on visits and takes pills cause they fix it Has a nurse as a witness, cause of those social services bitches This problem she’s had since the day josie was born Has scorned her life as its torn, ripped, and shredded from form She’s adjusted to this troublesome, spiritual justice This damnation it’s crushing and she’s trapped in its clutches So the days as they drain and the nights as it rains So does her pain, the pills cant fix that, they just keep her sustained Now she’s out, and Calls her doctor so she could page him for help Mentally she needed them, so she could maintain in her health .......Later that night....... Takes one last look at her baby and she hangs her self . . . .....Damn..... |
This was feedback posted for Billy Baghdad
im cool with both so i wont vote but i think babz got this both were pretty good though i ve seen better from both of you
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uppin............................................. ................
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This was feedback posted for Poetic Artist
Yerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..............................
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Voted For: Billy Baghdad
Ima say u won this man you kinda wrote this like poetry and not jus a flow like poetic. ur best lines were: Closed eyes, dark image, shady reflection in mist Indiscretions from imperfect regrets in the mix Dangerous demons lead to deranged distinctions And dominate the duty derived from childcare to discretion A baby raised by a postpartum stuck in a daze A vague memory of many men lost in a haze and poetics: You commaned and I listened, Placed my soul in your hands I was stranded and missing, I tasted your goal and you ran slit wrist's and drunk my own blood, why didnt you not drink aswell? Im a misfit appreciatting your love, but I think your from hell your eyes they show pictures of hate, fire and despair the lies?I wish you would wait, not choke me with this wire of fear bleed the pain of god, each time you touch my heart You seem the same but odd, a priest mind is sold from start so yea as u can see poetics was more of a flow but it was a VERY close battle indeed. |
This was feedback posted for Poetic Artist
Fuck-Ok, long lines-short them. This was a good Piece, I loved the vivid Imaginary. You stayed constent, never went curvy with the Topic. The emotion was good, felt you could've done more with the emotion by putting more metaphors and simlies between the Lines or by putting more adverbs. Creativity, I'll give you in addition to the Twist at the end. Again, this was a good piece, but I think you should've approached it more creative way, and In my opinion could've done alot more. It seemed to me you wasn't merly focusing or taking your time.
Bill-Ok um...The theme 'suicidal' is played out now. Time to think outside the box. In my opinion you had a good verse, The imaginary was detailed, painted with words. The emotion was meh...It didn't seemed to me you put any 'hmph' in emotion, if you know what I mean. The Concept is ok, I felt that you could've done better with The Topic, there are so many ways, just have to sit and think. Um....Your verse isn't complex. If you really want to make your ending 'shock' or 'awe' I suggest to you-use Complex Lines, hence metaphors, similies. But Don't stray off the Topic though, stay constent. Overall Good verse. Conclusion- Well my vote would be 'fuck' cause he edge this with his imaginary and emotion. Bill You lost my interest in your verse as soon I knew it was a suicidal at the end, It would've been more better if you took a different approach to the Topic and made your verse complex, and your emotion was all that great either, didn't really 'feel' anything. But anyway, my vote would've gone to 'fuck' Nice battle, I can't vote though. Chea. ~Lola |
"And your emotion wasn't all that great either*
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lol......it wasnt about suicide.....u dumbass......it was about postpartum depression.....so learn how to diagnose a topical battle.....and then comeback |
"Hangs herself"........Seemed like a suicidal to me wheather its from depression or not.
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thats the end..................thats all u got from that whole thing......i think.....poetics probably just ya mans.......but n e wayz.....go away :thumbup: |
Duh!...That's what I ment by Sucidal...And Poetic is my man :love:
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na but I'm saying....I'm a realist......and I'm sorry but a case of postpartum......is going 1 or 2 places....a complete cure....or someones death |
It look like you've mixed both of them in one Place...The 2nd part, was the cure and the 3rd part was someone death, right?
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ur poetics girl in real life? post pics i wanna see this. |
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LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !! :laugh: :laugh2: No,No, No...I'm not REALLY his girl. I was being sarcastic, were just e-friends, but anyway I'm a lesbo. Mostly RV know that, you don't remember Lola Cruez. II? |
This was feedback posted for Billy Baghdad
i just wanted to say that both of my crhymies got down....props fellas. keep up the good work gentlemen.
^^^UPPIN" FOR MY FOLKERS!!! ...BOOST THE MUTHAFUCKING CRHYME RATE!!! ...the supervillain of crhyme... |
upps^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^
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This was feedback posted for Billy Baghdad
Ysdat-
Opening Thoughts - your rhyme scheme was ok... not great. the imagery was ok, but i'm not buying the diary entry theme that you're running with. this part just doesnt seem to come natural for lack of a better term... Who am I?- Again, the rhyme scheme wasnt great. the diary thing still isnt working. there were a few corny type lines, the rest kinda made up for it, but just barely. this part left me like 'huh?' feeling like there was alot more you could've done with it. Lifes prevail- This was probally the best section of this peice. your imagery was there more than opening thoughts & who am i. your rhyme scheme fell off a little more in this one,and the ending was weak. Overall- you need to work on your rhyme scheme, and just being more natural when you write. your wording needed work, there didnt seem to be any rhythm in what you wrote. this verse left me feeling like you couldve done alot better with the topic. the 'dear diary' thing didnt do you any favors either... if i was you i would've left that out. you should've put some more work into making the reader actually believe they're reading this persons diary, you know? just putting "Dear Diary" doesn't have that effect. Billy Baghdad- Section 1- Your imagery was probally the best thing about this. there wasnt a problem trying to see what you were trying to portray. the rhyme scheme was hit & miss. your wording couldve been better- but nothing too major. overall it was a decent introduction... Section 2- the first few lines were ehhhhhhh... then it gets better. seems like you just snapped lol... the rhyme scheme was pretty good, imagery was nice... almost too good... seems like you thought about murdering babys more than once lol... overall, this part was good: rhyme scheme, wording, imagery was all there. "Disgustin’ but shes lovin the feeling of nothin’ A numbness she’s trustin’ cause it keeps the demons from fussin’" not bad Section 3- this was alright... i think you could've done better with the ending. it tied in with the rest of the story, it wasnt bad but i would've done something else. the wording couldve been better from time to time... it wasnt much of a distraction though, so i guess it was ok, same with the rhyme scheme. overall- pretty good peice, a few minor changes here & there would've made it alot better. Vote- Billy Baghdad |
oh, and fuck the 500 post rule.... lol... typin up all that shit n i cant even get a mufuckin vote in.
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This was feedback posted for Poetic Artist
..............not votin just checkin the polls lol
i HATE this new battlin system (well new to me cuz it wasnt like this when i used to battle) |
^^^bump, bump, bump...
...the supervillain of crhyme |
Voted For: Billy Baghdad
This was a really good battle, u don't really see two dope topical heads going at it on here anymore,... Y - like the image and the whole structure of your verse the imagery, and originality was dope ! but after that u didn't really go anywhere. You had nice vocab and flow and all that but it was all to predictable for me. Start really well but I thought you could have worked a bit more on the close. Babs - Your verse was kind of the opposite of Y's u come doing what u do best no gimmicks just dope writing. You gave me a visual image of your verse in my head and the emotions of the poor woman made me take more notice of your verse. Y's had the dopest bar,... small glimps thru a window allows the sight of smoldering rain I strongly carry myself on my back to shoulder the pain Dopeness !! This was a really good battle, I don't need to go into flow and vacab and all that u both was dope the raw emotions won this for Babs and the close was like Damn !!! Vote ~ Babs Stay up both great battle 1~ |
This was feedback posted for Billy Baghdad
check polls..............................
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