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Date Rape w/Edicius
Rapist-Maven Raped-Edicius that's right ;) it was a regular night, a good time to unwind I pulled up with no negative thoughts in mind I had planned to be kind; women love a gentleman didn't plan to get laid, only planned for sentiment So I went to it; rang the doorbell with flowers the moment she opened up expanded into hours using her suductive powers she kissed me 'hello' and the candle lit dinner was prepared well-oh, what have I gotten myself into here? I thought turning wealth into fear, rebelling vs what's taught pulled her close to me, with heart beating faster undoing pants, thinking "no chance, haven't asked her" but I forced her on, until she finally said no and much to my surprise I gave her a bleeding nose Damn these deceiving hoes! How can a woman cause this? destroying the paused bliss as she lays there topless pleading for me to stop this, and I comprehend actions became a tattered heap of leaps bounds and fractions seeing her negative reaction; headed for the door and hardly understanding my own self any more like a shelf on the floor; existence became redundant I resort to violence when charm is so abundant? my single woe was that my mind was unpredictable I probably ruined her life...fate is so despicable It looked like fun, facing it at first, i just broke up, & had this thirst.. to comfort,comforting me & he sounded cute, but that became reversed.. & soon for me to find out that this sunshine on the phone,is just a dark cloud.. not a friendly boy scout..but a monster..planning on hurting me with no doubt.. didnt expect him,to plan something dirty,he sounded so pure& trust-worthy.. & sweet understanding, 'perfect' to what i need,not somthing unworthy.. So we decided, to get united at my place, & have some dinner w/ some wine.. he looked real decent, ..& fit..not perfect,but just fine..for me to make mine.. but he underwent a switch, from perfect to a bitch, betraying me ..& i could see.. why , but he forced me to shut up & that i shud hush & dont cry, he said this was, good! i screamed no because i couldnt lie.. resulted into him gettin more pissed, slapping me hard in my face confusion took me over, as he was finished, and stepped of me,leaving me there amazed.. My nose was bruised, i was left excused.. used & abused.. naked to the ground,tears inside w/out a sound,small & confused.. he left my house smacking with the door, couldnt take it no more.. i feld like a dolphin on shore, i felt dirty, felt pain & like a whore.. as i strumbled to the shower, with tears, sliding down my face , ..while i putted te warm water on, i felt so empty & so much space of emptyness fillin me up, unlikely to the water that was fillin up the tub.. i feld like i was stuck, & strucked by a brutal assault against my will i was fucked! as the water slide over me i wondered what i did to switch our inviroment into this hate shape.. what did i create,was i acting to afraid ??.... ( I wonder) how this turned into a date rape.. the question's keep firering,pulled of by me, w/ a shout! couldnt take the pressure help me out! who could i talked to ,who would a listen ?,aaargh the confusion ,finally sliding my wrist's & ending this! |
that shit was beautiful, i like how it was seen from both point of views, and edicuous' ending was good, really topped it off
good shit from both of you |
Yeah i agree this was a good piece here....enjoyed the read guys.....Maven, like the imaginary in your verse, it was good....you had nice vocab and nice multies....Edicius, you had good imaginary as well, had some good content, nicevocab and some good flow in it...overall this was a nice collab, enjoyed it.
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Thank u all ..
Upper like Dupper |
skyrocketed
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nice long as shit..
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Why couldn't it of been me in Edicius place...
Ill piece.. I liked the vocab and flow... how you set up your imagry... And the content in which I should have been raped in... props to Maven and edicius(for gettin' the chance)...lol please don't bet stingy... http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=105602 |
it was good the way the rap was from two peoples point of views
it was a bit hard to read though coz some of the bar lengths were a bit long. if you see any of my battles on frontlines.give an honest vote. |
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okay..Maven's part was great..smooth flow..I likd the hello/well-oh line..lmao..that shit was funny..but anyway..the song was going great..until I got to edicious verse..it was great too..but the bar lengths fucked it up for me..that was the only thing wrong with the verse was the bar length..better yet that was the only thing wrong with the song..it was great..Date Rape..cool:cool:..
btw..is Edicius really a girl..or was he just rappin' the part?.. |
Im no gurl, ..yet he still raped me.
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yeah..I just seen your pics..my bad..anyway..ummm..I was wondering...umm...CAN I RAPE YOU??...naw just kidding..this was a tight peice though..
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get your own bitch =)
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Maven...either get on AIM
or in the RB chat room |
Upppppppper hoe's..if u pay me more than maven, u can rape me O.o
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A'igh'.............this was nice shi'..............I liked tha 2 perspectives....nice shi'...ya both very good at this..........
Plz hit these up...bein slept on... http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...308#post1075308 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=105299 |
Up.
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lmfao @ edicius gettin raped
this was a very original concept never seen it before...both verse were hot...mavens flowed a lil better n get down to the point quick...n edicius had the more emotional side lol just like the whore he is this shit was tight..real original..actully made me wanna read all of it props |
lol..dope niggaz...
good flow...solid imagery.. |
it was a solid drop...................maven came solid..........it lil choppy but had sum good multi's in there............nyce drop, edicius.....no hate but you fell off............had sum good ideas but nothin flowed properly each one of your bars was a different length and tha rhyme scheme needs improvement......lyked tha story...........but pay more attention to bar length flow and rhyme scheme next tyme, peace, 1
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Mavens Peice - Good, Maven Style
Edicius' Peice - Decent, Drawn Out, Choppy |
Maven’s-
I’ve never given Maven criticism really, or not that I can remember. There are probably two reasons for this, one being I don’t usually do it to anyone (be it me being an asshole, lazy, lack of input, take your pick), the other reason being it’s not often he needs help. I mean, the dude came onto RB and impressed me, never dick rode me, but gave a certain amount of respect to me. I truly wish he would do more audio’s, and I wish I would stop being lazy and collaborate with you (even though it will only be text for now, you know, my computer and all). When I first read: “using her suductive powers she kissed me 'hello' and the candle lit dinner was prepared well-oh,” – I was somewhat not so impressed by the “well-oh” part, I just don’t usually like the idea of the continueing of a line after the “stop” of a line. Then I imagined it actually being sung (or rapped if you prefer) and it worked. I understood how he said it. So…errr back to no criticism, haha. But good job man. Your verse was done very well. Very realistic, the fact that just reading your verse didn’t give away that he actually was good. It gave you a sense of “this could happen to you”. I know I could never do that, that goes against one of the only things I believe in, but in other situations (none sexual) I have been overwhelmed by the moment and taken things to far. “didn't plan to get laid, only planned for sentiment” – That was beautiful. Edicius- I think this part “& sweet understanding” would have sounded better if it was worded differently, maybe like “sweet & understanding”. It just makes it flow a bit better. Try not to use “&” so much, same goes for the word itself. It makes some of the lines sound somewhat awkward, like this line; “why , but he forced me to shut up & that i shud hush & dont cry,” - It would have sounded better (I think) if it was just “why, but he forced me to shut up and hush, don’t cry”. Just my thoughts though. Since you live in Holland, English isn’t as straight forward as it is to me. Just little things like this; “, ..while I putted te warm water on, i felt so empty & so much space of emptyness fillin me up, unlikely to the water that was fillin up the tub..” It only should have been “put”, not “putted”. And the “so much” wasn’t needed really. It makes it sound awkward. And the “unlikely to the” part, it should be “unlike the” instead of “likely” and “to”. That filling up on emptiness like the tub thing was really good, I liked it. There’s also a couple other parts, I’ll tell you more on MSN about it. Over all, great work man. Taking the role of a woman and all, that’s hard, yet you did it quite well. Good work, truly. “& soon for me to find out that this sunshine on the phone,is just a dark cloud..” ”i feld like a dolphin on shore, i felt dirty, felt pain & like a whore..” – Awesome, those two lines were great. (p.s. back to that “proper English” thing, it should have been “felt” not “feld”) |
I fully agree with dixie. maven your verse was tight smooth flow great vocab and imagery, edicius your verse was tight to but the flow got thrown off alot when I was tryin to read through it but good imagery from both of u's and vocab was good. peace peeps. if u got time peep my new piece I'll be posting today called Down to Earth and leave some feedback plz. thanx in advance. peace.
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very good peive, i one hurd a song called date rape (tahts why i viewed this) but that version was funny as this one wasnt :( , very imaginitive very creative, loved the ending, hit my peive up if you couled
Life is good now by topic |
man this reminds me of a date i went on before wierd. good shit.
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Yea, bruk.. ik know,..i feld this i rushed it a bit.. lol..the structure & flow were points, in here i need to work on..its just i know what i want to write down..in my head,..but the enlish result sometimes erm yea ..comes out different..lol, its hard to actually write down the orinally way it popped into my head, cause i need to change the lauguage.. lol..but i will come there, .. some day, thnx = )
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