Personal Testament 3 (100 Bars, 1000 Words)
 

Personal Testament 1
Personal Testament 2

The beat accelerates as it goes on - you should be able to figure it out.
I just started writing a few months ago so I'm looking for feedback - thnx.

CHORUS: (2x)
Don’t avert your ear as my words are spoken
Tremble in fear ‘cause I’m certainly not jokin’
Be stunned by what you hear but this is just a token
The end draws near - the last god’s awoken.

S…M…Z…

Got y’all wonderin’ what that stands for
((Seraph Maverick Zenith)) a champion of yore
Seraph for the divinity that’s masked at my core
Maverick for the knee I won’t place on the floor
Zenith because I’m perfection’s paramour
On one proverbial hand a collector of lore
On the remaining palm an avatar of war
I combine ‘em to create a thing not seen before
Then chastise mankind with this melodious roar
And strike you six times with a four by four (six stanzas of sixteen)
For following the beast and his voluptuous whore
By breaking the oath which at conception you swore
Exchangin’ worship for life at the celestial store
Now you deify cash and place it at the fore’.

Do you actually think this is the time to try to obtain more
When tribulation’s comin’ worse than a forty-day downpour?

I say I’m the best ’cause it’s a necessary tradition
Necessary in one way it makes more fools listen
If I didn’t the majority would never hear my fission
So the desire for acclaim puts my sickness in remission
And I’m undoubtedly sick with a rarely seen condition
Known as intelligence the symptom’s this emission
It’s said a thousand words is a kind of vision
So using text to draw has become my present mission
Weaving sounds ‘till I’m called the poetic arch-magician
Rhymes so authoritative they’re referenced by edition
I thrust my views abroad and other’s into submission
So I deserve a crown - to refute that is sedition
Lighting flashes before I speak - heed that premonition
Persist in your defiance and you’ll require a mortician.

‘Cause you can test me by platoon, company, battalion, regiment or division
I’ll still vanquish each opponent I never need a coalition.

My sole purpose is to make you remember my name
I’m not concerned with fortune but only with fame
I’d rather have momentary glory than monetary gain
The rewards are worth it so I persevere through pain
Body riddled with splinters from traveling ‘gainst the grain
They might reduce velocity but they can’t stop this train
The ripples move outward like puddles receiving rain
Hopefully for you things will never be the same
‘Cause my verbalizations leave a clearly visible stain
On the neural pathways of a shrewd hearer’s brain
Truthfully this couldn’t be a picture it’s only a frame
The dye comes from you I’m simply the weathervane
Pointin’ out the bearing which you should maintain
I really hope you listen but I’m already free of blame.

‘Cause my robes have been made whiter than the purest cocaine
Since I’ve washed them in the blood of the demons I’ve slain.

Now I demonstrated my power let me show my agility
I round the two out with natural born ability
Then throw in precious wisdom for practical utility
So you know battling me is an exercise in futility
Always remember to approach me with humility
Next bow - then kneel - lastly swear fealty
Be a loyal vassal and I might share some realty
Even mention your name within my soliloquy
But I never show fear of men or devils
Blessed with the faith of a loyalist facing rebels
Willin’ to engage the enemy at all known levels
At the mental state I remove clutch and brake pedals
Thus eternally disrupting ignorance induced revels
In the flesh I make foes dust and scatter rose petals
‘Cause I fight for king and country not for chest medals
So you’ll always see my silhouette as the dust settles.

Now I’m starting to rip faster so try to keep up
Who’s really your master if your soul’s corrupt
You’re heading for disaster and you still wan’na fuck
Don’t cry to your pastor when you finally get stuck
In that last narrow gate after the cramped path
Take a look at your slate and you do the math
You’re earning your fate so prepare for God’s wrath
Now it’s almost too late for you to take a bath
You’re saturated to the bone with blood and dirt
Now you can moan but you should’a stayed alert
By reading the holy tome your calamity to avert
You want a time loan - that’s not the way it’ll work
These rappers you admire aren’t even worth a cent
If that number’s forty-nine higher it’s still irrelevant
Why would you ever aspire to be a player or pimp
I’m trying to be a survivor that’s why I take a hint.

I’m denyin’ Death’s door like a monitor (Komodo dragon)
That’s a surviving dinosaur still upon this shore
Or maybe a man-at-war who’s tryin’ even the score
Making y’all abhor the state of rap’s décor
With hands covered in gore I’m the eternal matador
Got infinite ammunition and custodial permission
And the further addition of a divine commission
To cause the abolition of every artificial Christian
Then cosign them to perdition with no chance of petition
For makin’ the decision to ignore this admonition
To me it’s plain that your actions proclaim
You feel no shame to be a descendent of Cain
If you think in that vein you’ll never obtain
The right to retain your domain on Earth’s terrain
So play your game and prepare for the flame
But this last line of mine is a sign of the divine mind behind the design of mankind.

Now if you wish - you can refute the evident reality
At least that - would suit your ignorant personality

Screw it, play some Chingy and go have fun
I’m weary of speakin’ to the deaf and dumb.

CHORUS: (2x)
Don’t avert your ear as my words are spoken
Tremble in fear ‘cause I’m certainly not jokin’
Be stunned by what you hear but this is just a token
The end draws near - the last god’s awoken.

aite this was a good drop, very creative on the vocab
structure stayed strong thought out, s'all good
flow was good,
but a big long but all good

check out my song - http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=112106
and the beat that goes with it -http://www.soundclick.com/bands/5/mcrussie.htm

laterz

yeah, cos u would know that wouldnt u,
i need to pass sum time, so i did read it

What are you talking about? I've seen several others post extended rhymes - I just looked at several of Penskillz. A true mark of ignorance is a refusal to take new information in. How are you going to tell me to "try again" when you haven't read my shit? Why don't you start reading it - if it's bullshit then stop and say so, if it isn't keep reading and you might learn something.

Thnx for feedback Mc_Russie I'll check out yours in a sec.

yea shut up smz, who u think oyu are you only have 9 posts. when you hit 100 then you can start tellin vets what to do. blap. no beef tho :-)

I took the time to read this...........an it was very good......the vocab was insane......some crazy lines........some i havent seen thought of.....Ex:
I’m denyin’ Death’s door like a monitor
That’s a surviving dinosaur still upon this shore--Interesting line!

You have the vocab, i wonder what this would sound like an audio.....i bet itd be tight wit the right beat! peace!

Timeless I don't suck dick so when someone tells me my stuff needs work without reading it I get offended. And when I get offended I say something. I got no beef with Freeman or anybody - just want people to give me some feedback on my stuff.

Freeman I wasn't trying to "tell you". Like I said I just want some feedback. So please stop acting like the soveriegn judge laying the smackdown on the newbie. I'd like to get better, since you said my verse sucks please explain to me how, so that I can improve instead of just telling me that it sucks.

^^^Freeman, I agree^^^

yea, sorry i didnt mean to give ya beef, but dont lash out at people on here. i think its ok actually.

peace

Nice to see you're using your rhyming dictionary...

However, after reading the first stanza...

I didn't want to continue reading what I see as a exercise in,

"Look at all the big words I know"

And...

"Read about how great I am"

This took the self prop verse to an all new low...
All because you had way, way too much time on your hands.

And you can ask around, I'm never this curt with feedback, but I feel you deserved it for the marathon of "me".

I've always read alot so all those words are from my head. If I use a thesaurus it's to try to change structure after I've already written it. Meaning the rhymes are all from my head but the internal words might be from a thesaurus. But I don't use words I don't know.



That's not the intent. Rather I like to condense my material as much as possible. If one word can say what it would take several to do, then I'll use the one. ie: I could of said, "I did that because I like to put as much meaning as possible into each word as I can.", instead of saying "rather" and "condense".



This is an introductory piece. That's why it says my name, and then explains that name. The second verse explains why I came out like that right away. And the subject is much more about the need for people to elevate their minds, the pitiful condition of popular rap music and the fact that more people need to put their attention on God.


You know I'm refering to a Komodo dragon right?

Oh yeah and Freeman could you give me an example of the 2line rhyme scheme your refering to? And remember I'm new - so what's garage? Thnx.

uppin

smz the vocab was nice andcreativity wasalso pretty hot..
i thought the rhyme scheme was good..probablycuz i write similarly..
good imagination and just take the cridict as just that, a cridict..the flow was hot kid..

oh and TIMELESS that picture is fricken halarious..looks like uneed to put that gun down, cuz, holdin' all crooked, looks like ur ganna shoot ur'self..no diss to u, but tkae how ever you want.

good verse smz

peace

HHHMMM..I'm going to read it sooner or later..I read like a bar..and no...really..no..

Oh, I see kinda like:

Freeman hates me ‘cause his vocab’s not on my level,
Tryin’ to rape me, ‘cause he’s a raging homosexual,
Intimidated by a newbie, I really think that’s comical,
Trying to show mastery with rhymes that are abominable,
Don’t fuck with me nigger I can rip you any way you choose,
Your post count is bigger but if you challenge me you’ll lose.

dipshit that took me about 20 seconds - I posted it right after I logged on to this site. You do realize that even if you post something at 11:52 I will not see it until I log on. According to your logic it took you 21 hours to come up with four bars.

And fuck you. I'll call you whatever I like. If you're bothered by what people say then you've got the wrong hobby.

The reason I kept hitting one rhyme so often is because that takes more skill. It's much harder to find 16 words that rhyme and still say what you want than it is if you keep switching every two.

^^^Your not getting what he's saying..and why waste time writing something noone will honestly read?

Why would you want to call me a 'nigger'...

When im clearly white... Im not a 'nigger'... So dont call me one...

Idiot...

Shut up now... Your annoying me...

Stop being a weenie, SMZ...

You asked for feedback...

That's what this room is for...

You got it...

But now ya wanna cry cuz it's not what you were expecting to see?

I guess you wanted this, huh...

"Dude...you are so the best RB has ever seen"
Or maybe...
"This kid is a phenom"
Or was it...
"You are a rap god and I'm pretty sure everything you said in that verse was true!!!"

Well, sorry...

You got critiqued.

Live with it and hopefully learn.

Peace

No, I get it. He's saying two line scheme flows better. I have a different opinion, but I thank him for his thoughts on that matter. Why write anything? Because I have thoughts and feel the need to harness them in some permanent fashion.

The meaning of the word "nigger" evolves just as all language does, thus "nigger" is now often used just about as widely as "fuck". It carries a wide variety of meanings and can be used in almost any situation.

If you read my posts you would see that quite clearly I expected criticism and in fact asked for it. However there is constructive criticism and then there is just plain insults. I took his first two posts as an insult but nonetheless responded in a subdued tone. By his third post I thought the misunderstanding was worked out and I asked for legitimate assistance. He decided to come back with some more insults so I finally decided to give him some right back.

Do you really think it’s progression,
for everyone in this profession,
to move in the same direction?
Should I too, do as others do,
to please the likes of you?
Fuck that. I attack, and counteract, the lack, of real fact,
like what put us back, in the state of Iraq.

And you doubtless didn’t notice that us is also U.S.
That’s why hidden motives will still put us in duress.

I bring my own style, and all the while,
have to hear you revile,
things you don’t understand.
Cause you won’t raise your hand,
and try to question me for knowledge.
The first lesson you learn at college,
is you must ask before you can learn.
And then how fast you’ll start to burn,
with the fire, of unquenchable desire,
to reach ever higher,
until they place you on your bier,
and praise your face from the choir.

But to make your mark you have to stand out.
Your mind is so dark you can’t see what I’m about.
I’m on a higher plane.
How could I ever explain,
my psyche in a comprehensible way to you.
It’s like tai chi - the way I accomplish this coup.
I’m taking over rap in an inventive subtle fashion, -
ensuring I destroy the crap with the fire of my passion.

Alright Freeman - we might have got off on the wrong note.
But I de-mand - that you don’t scoff at the lyrics I wrote, -
within reason of course.
I see no need for wars.
I’m offering my hand - don’t spurn it.
Or as I stand I’ll prove I’m learn-ed.
Don’t force the issue - just give me peace.
I don’t wan’na diss you. Let the quarrel cease.

Nice shit man i read the first and last verse cuz this post was 2 long but from what i read it from pretty okay nice lines and the first verse was nice as hell and the last verse was any different.