Broken Metamorphosis
 

Boilin’ over with rage, I’m attempting to cage, thoughts in this page,
.....that are normally foreign.
I’m sick of this world, into which I was hurled, now my flag’s unfurled,
.....like formally I’m warrin’.

But I switch up my style ‘cause y’all want storytellin’,
It fills my throat with bile to stop short like Magellan,
Trying yet to compromise and give you some of each,
Come here with open eyes if you wan’na hear me teach.
Happy now? Are you all tucked in for the night?

This here story's 'bout Revelation's second knight.

But I can never contain, the ripper in my brain, he escapes again,
.....dealing death and destruction.
Isn’t my mind a miracle, with concepts spiritual, utterances lyrical,
.....makin’ each breath an eruption.

A natural clearing - wind gently stirs the grass,
The birds are chirping - a fox scampers by fast,
Peace and harmony are shown by the scenery,
Gaia - at this one site still free of mans’ tyranny,
Then a trumpet blasts and ruptures the solitude,
Distant drums, shouts and marching all intrude,
The birds take flight and the fox seeks a barrow,
Neither wish to deal with the army of a Pharaoh,
Egypt’s forces arrive and take up their position,
Silence - but for the trickle of a coward’s pissin’,
Crickets are muted - the wind starts to die down,
The air’s electric from the anxiety felt all around,
A general strides forward to bolster weak hearts,
Swords are needlessly honed - archers ready darts,
Babylon starts to arrive - the stage is finally set,
Blood’s on the horizon - it’s still morning yet.

Befuddlement abounds, as I produce sounds, that riddle the clowns,
.....an epidemic of the cerebral.
Irritated by idiocy, I expose hypocrisy, that fulfills prophecy,
.....as they still mimic the Devil.

But I switch up my style ‘cause y’all want storytellin’,
It fills my throat with bile to stop short like Magellan,
Trying yet to compromise and give you some of each,
Come here with open eyes if you wan’na hear me teach.
Happy now? Are you all tucked in for the night?

This here story's 'bout Revelation's second knight.

Born a second time, as if life could rewind, I destroy the serpentine,
.....and bow head to the Lord.
I’ll never give up, everyday that I get up, I keep on tryin’ to live up,
.....to the vow on my sword.

A guttural roar rises and two giants lurch forth,
It’s a cataclysmic clash of kings south and north,
Javelins arc overhead and strike dashing warriors,
Death visits the field and waits in soldier’s foyers,
The armor glints brightly and swords reflect sun,
For these brief moments ‘fore the battle is begun,
Weapons clash and there’s a thicker wet sound,
Animated corpses are thrashing upon the ground,
Veteran soldiers advise them that they’re lifeless,
‘Cause enemies can strike even if they’re sightless,
Chariots rumble forwards - cruel scythes spinning,
Shrieks - as limbs fly - it appears Egypt’s winning,
A charismatic Chaldean holds the line by himself,
Men siphon off courage like leeches with health,
Arrows sprout in his chest - the battle’s a rout,
Hades is now God and every man here’s devout.

Boy y’all are oblivious, you seem so piteous, my rhyme’s insidious,
.....furnishing hidden slander.
It grieves me yet to say, that I must still convey, abuse in this way,
.....it’s nourishing my dander.

But I switch up my style ‘cause y’all want storytellin’,
It fills my throat with bile to stop short like Magellan,
Trying yet to compromise and give you some of each,
Come here with open eyes if you wan’na hear me teach.
Happy now? Are you all tucked in for the night?

This here story's 'bout Revelation's second knight.

By now it’s probable, you caught the audible, if so that’s laudable,
.....but I’ll continue to spit.
If you haven’t realized, it’s right before your eyes, in text undersized,
.....like a menu clearly writ.

The battle’s over - all the soldiers are long gone,
Much has changed here since the light of dawn,
Husbands, sons and fathers are such no longer,
A fox’s body lies shattered in his barrow yonder,
Birds are returning but these are a different sort,
They feast on flesh and scream aloud the report,
That the folly of men here provides all with food,
Wind pushes a torn flag - it completes the mood,
Funny that - how the wind’s just now returning,
It spreads the foul stench of human flesh burning,
Wise men proclaim, "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust",
Seems there are some who are hurryin’ among us,
In the end it doesn’t matter who won the battle,
They’ll return in two years to let weapons rattle,
By then there’ll be grass and greener than before,
And the story will be repeated - a story called War.

Bird brained like Horus, with wits that are porous, you miss the chorus,
.....and therein what is said.
I refuse to illuminate, you’ll just have to ruminate, until you accumulate,
.....a serum for your head.

But I switch up my style ‘cause y’all want storytellin’,
It fills my throat with bile to stop short like Magellan,
Trying yet to compromise and give you some of each,
Come here with open eyes if you wan’na hear me teach.
Happy now? Are you all tucked in for the night?

This here story's 'bout Revelation's second knight.

Everlasting knowledge, gives me the mental polish, to completely abolish,
.....all ignorance I observe.
So I keep on inciting, and continually inviting, to notice what I’m writing,
..........a remembrance of verve.

uppin

uppin

Yo i like this piece..........it was pretty good...........the imagery was what caught my attention.........the images you portrayed in my head are great......Your structure an flow was interesting too.......... a lil different from the usual.....but different is good a lot of the times....but good nontheless

I cant say much other than at few points you lost me but like i said the imagery had me hooked!! i liked that! keep it up!!

Thnx for feedback - should I add notes to explain lines in my stuff?

"Your structure an flow was interesting too...a lil different from the usual"

that's because this is like two songs written at the same time. The one in italics keeps on ripping in and disrupting the other - that's why named it Broken Metamorphosis - like starting to change but stopped halfway.

dope piece. long but worth the read. i enjoyed it. the words made sense which
can be hard to find in poems with as much multies as yours. the rhyming was
consistent. the structure is near flawless. and the complexity was great also. very
tight. the words were small. lol. lovely. i found this too be sumwut educational
for some odd reason. keep it up. stay tight.

fave line:
Everlasting knowledge, gives me the mental polish, to completely abolish,
.....all ignorance I observe.
So I keep on inciting, and continually inviting, to notice what I’m writing,
.....a remembrance of verve.

^nice

hit this up plz:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113109

pz

Yo This Was Fire No Doubt I Like Every Aspect Of Your Content And Hope To Be Able To Read Alot More

thnx again - I think I like this more than my Personal Testaments

concepts tired. no multi's that I saw. I'm rhymin four words a sentence, bein poetic, usin wordplay and still makin sense. you gonna tell me I need more structure with this one syllable stuff. Man you got a vocab, your description was excellent. I'm sorry and this is not an insult but the concepts weak. Personally I love when people use alot of multi's but thats me, what do I know. Cats like penskills and freeman, would like this type of stuff. Just not my thing.

No offense taken - but I think you missed the whole point of the piece. Namely what you just pointed out - that ripping is harder than storytelling (in my opinion - obviously). Multi's are all in italics part. Take a closer look at the chorus - there's a message there if you can see it. If you want ripping check my Personal Testament 3, particulary the end of it.

uppin

yo SMZ this was a nice piece...
The Imagery was great and since I had
greek mythology last year this all made sense lmao...
the end about repeating its called war I liked that line
this oevrall had good flow multis were good...
imagery was awsome not penskillz dope but still dope
nonetheless...
good job man keep it up... by the way hit up my other OM
....Dead..To..Live....

this was wayyyyyyyyyyyy too friggin long, to be honest i only read half of it lol.. but i like the double rhyme scheme u started off with, some kool lines spotted some creativity, flow was pretty smooth could have been more complex.. not sure if i caught a topic but for the most part the scrypt was consistant, not a bad piece,, just very long lol holla back return the favor mein

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113859

Whoa... this caught me WAY off gaurd... SICK DUNNY SICK... nicec how you stayed on task for such a super long drop... it kept me on tick with the switchin of styles an everything..u know how to keep a readers attention... you killed it in every aspect of the Art dunny... "Second Knight" ... haha... yes yes dunny... nice fa shizzle... i would have to rate this a good..... 9.5/10 nice dunny

Caesar - On3

Nice imagery man this shit was hot like the multis and i understood the tittle of the post as soon i saw the lines in italics this was sum nice shit i'mma check out ya other post

Thnx for feedback -
I gotta ask has anyone caught the message in the chorus? I think Veloci-Rapper did. I said I wouldn't explain it but now I'm itching to highlight it.

--[Flow]---
Your flow was brutally ferocious..not what i was expected, you had mad rhymes and mad internals...the structure to it was outragous, ever bar was exactly the same length was made it just flow of the tip of my tounge...wow.

--[Vocab]--
Vocab another thing that really stood out for me, it was full of comlexity and depth, ever line had a meaning and it was portrayed to fit into the story well, your didn't under or overuse your vocab, think that it was the right length and wasn't just throwing in to make up the bar size:
"A charismatic Chaldean holds the line by himself,
Men siphon off courage like leeches with health,"

--[Concept]--
What really struck me here was the blatent imagry...defeiently not what i was expecting, you had every minute detail craved into this piece, you amde me want to read on and on and helped me to sympathise with the dead and almost be in direct contact with the two armies...
some dope bars:
"Then a trumpet blasts and ruptures the solitude,
Distant drums, shouts and marching all intrude,"

Javelins arc overhead and strike dashing warriors,
Death visits the field and waits in soldier’s foyers,

Husbands, sons and fathers are such no longer,
A fox’s body lies shattered in his barrow yonder,
Birds are returning but these are a different sort,
They feast on flesh and scream aloud the report,

--[Overall]--
One of the best pieces i've seen on Open mic, it had all the characteristic of a legend...flow,brutal imagry,vocab....4.7/5...hit me up if you wanna collab sometime dawg, cos that shit was hott.

most posts aren't good enough to read in their entirety, but yours was. I wanted to see if you could rhyme each time without going DR.Seuss on me and you did. I read this entire things and I'd do it again. Good work. I am not a professional so I can't really give you and useful feedback....i guess you need a smaller font

uppin - last time

Shit son, I cant believe it, no famous rapper except Nas has made me sit with my mouth open like that....the story i was seein' in my head was dark...like some Lord Of The Rings shit....you got skillz son...This is the Illest drop i seen on here by far....10/10...keep spittin'.

nice...i agree with everyone when they say you had alot of excellent visual imagery....this was long but it kept me interested....i dont know how this would hold up with as a song with and actual beat though...with this topic and rhyme scheme...you would have to get just the right kind of production you know?.....my favorite line was "A guttural roar rises and two giants lurch forth,
It’s a cataclysmic clash of kings south and north" and "Birds are returning but these are a different sort,
They feast on flesh and scream aloud the report,"...im a fan of that really dark shit you know?....as with most open mics...it could use a bt of editing..."Silence - but for the trickle of a coward’s pissin"...the italic parts are a little hard to follow as well....but overall this was a good read.....im out and thanks for peeping my open mic...(when you hit 100 posts, a vote on my battle would be greatly appreciated lol)

damn this piece was long...but it was good...I seen a few multiez here and there...but the flow was still good even without them...and as the otherz stated...the structure was unique...and the double flow thing was hot too...I really liked the imagery and concept though...the vocab you used to express ya ideaz made this for a good read...holla...

damn I wasn't able 2 catch the multis but dats just me
good vocab and flow
nice structure
I like how you used imagery in that piece
keep droppin
9.5/10

dope piece.. imagery was of the hook...multis were good. somewhat long but a good read. everything lead into the next line which gives the reader the urge to read on. every line had me hookes so i hada go on. i relli enjoyed the read one of the best yet.. keep creatin cuz ya writing is interesting

My Bad Homie...
I Was Gonna Read This Shit.. But The Words Wrer 2 Small...
And The Song Looked 2 Long.
But.. By The Way It Looks Typed Cool

^^^
come on - don't pollute my thread with that shit
"it looks cool"
lmao