Victim (first topical)
 

The pain hits me, But i'm fighting, just dying to live,
I'd do anything in the world to spend another day with my kids,
The thought of their smiling faces, the laughs we always have,
How could they grow up, knowing they lost a dad?
Pain rushes through my body I weakly try to stand,
Blood rushing from the wounds, bullets burning like a brand,
I attempt to utter 'help', it comes out in mear whispers,
I try again to scream, thinking they must not be good listeners,
Thoughts rush through my head, how can my family love me like this?
I put the battle on hold, begin to reminisce,
The times we'v spent, but now god's chose it to be over,
The lifeline ends, hands, arms and legs, turn colder
It's for the best I say, as i move towards the light,
I'll love you forever, I whisper through the night.

Yeh so, that was my first topical, just kinda keyed sumthin up, I dunno whether its good, or whatever, not on form tonight but yeh...I tried

ok, feedback :thumbup:

Some lines need a extra syllablles to fix flow, but overall it wasnt a bad verse.. Maybe we can battle topical sometime :thumbup:

weeerd^^

I'll battle topical when i get a few wins under my belt, dont want my first to be a loss

But yeh we'll battle

fuck you playa's :cussing:

damn that was nice man. i really felt it. coulda been more in detail, but for how long it was it was the shizzle...keep doin ya thang :thumbup:

liked it alot waas very very good liked it

can you peep my first to topical battles and tell me what you think
links in sig

Wasnt bad for your first topical. Better discription and emotion could have been used, I frequently try writting topicals excluisively and find people tend to go for simplicity over in-depth making-you-think type of stuff (on this site anyways) then anything else. Peace.

Well yeh, i jsut had the topic, and a rhyme came to me, so i wrote it, and put it here, if i tried i could prolly do better, but iunno, i never tried topicals

some more feedback would be nice.........

number 10, feedback

I was feelin' this shit...nice work. Very nice for your first open mic. We should collab some time! Overall, some parts could use a few minor tweaks but it was nice overall.

Peep mine. Link is in my sig.

Weeerd to that collab, bout to peep that, thanks for the feedback

edit, uppin .

nice job. You had some imagry in it. Good lyric's. used word's well.....good drop ......pz

that was mos def a good piece...i am agreeing with the fact that there couldve been a few more syllables in some of the lines...along with that i thought it couldve a lil bit longer...but im wack so who knows...keep it up...oh and im bout to post a topical that i wrote a while back...should be posted by the time you read this...check it out...1

uppin for more........

once more, h to the oes

mocha chocolato hoe

you mother fuckers.

BLAAH

its pretty good fo a first topical. Some flow should be fixed up but its not that bad.

a very good peice.. finnaly i see a peice from you... very good shit.. nice imagret... match iight with the title some wasnt that god though but some lines wer reall dope nice and it would be good as a topical

feedback here: http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=153440

uppination namsayin

Blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dope for the lenght yo.,good imagery n feelin in this piece..
....should collab fam< ill get at ya bout it

must be a joke, shit has over 100 views but only 24 replies, which most of are mine.

namsayin, Feed would be appreciated.

once more.

and again

Some lines need a extra syllablles to fix flow............
but ova all nice drop

Thanks man.

Reppin UK.

*stretches arms*

wow this is sstill here??

I hat the open mic forum, we need a coffee shop to attract all the young kids these days........