Breathe!!!!
 

I’m trapped inside a body… Liberate me why you gotta hate me… your words incinerate me… my mind’ll incarcerate me…
I’m a prisoner… longing for a visitor… I feel invisible… far from invincible… hands dirty and unrinseable…
I see when you write about me in your diary… light the fire in me… inspire me Jesus… But he entirely leaves us…
Alone in a dark alley with thugs who mugs me… talley the finally of votes of who cares… there’s no rally…
I’m not a hero… I’m a zero… when me roll I solo… theres no Dorothy and no Toto… Develop the imagery like a photo…
I’m no longer carin’ used to the haters starin’… I’m not farin’ well… my life isn’t worth sharin’… Until I be tearin’ hell…
My sickness you witness when this village pimp spits and hits this bitchless wannabe emcee with no remedy to fight the illness..
Feel this undiluted… when they ask who did… nobody knows… it rolls through the generations defacin’ the enemy it conceive…
I deceive the peace… Freeze the beef…

(chorus)
BREATHE
So… why do you gotta lie to my eye and say my rhymes aren’t life..
BREATHE…
To light the fire of disire that resides inside my mind…
BREATHE…
Deeply with tupac in me… words seething to be rockin’ me
BREATHE
Hope God is watchin’ ya… Cuz this administration is rockin’ tha swastika
BREATHE…

Nobody knows the truth… theres hardy no proof… one poof of this 151 proof of rum and I’ll be dumb…
I run away from the volleys of emotion… but get hit by waves like the ocean… Lubricate my mind like skin to lotion…
The potion to put away the years is vodka… Lyrically rock ya afterwords my liquor of tears brings faster verbs…
I not understanding why he planned me to spam the mind of others with lyrics that cover the spirits inside…
This debatin’ is makin’ me hazy and hatin’ makes me dizzy because everybody hates me… no she’s with me… well… is she?
Somebody fix me… cuz nobody is with me they diss me no mo’ girls to kiss me and it just ticks me cuz nobody picks me
If I died would anybody miss me… God hates my lifestyle so he whips me… Why can’t he be an archeologist who digs me…
I’m corrupted though interrupted I erupted to fuck it all up in function to spit out for liposuction… why? I fuck sin!
Die… get tucked in… Why… or else you’ll get sucked in… Your outside’ll get fucked in… was it I… it must been…
You Can’t Deny the right… I might die tonight… for a lost cause against black walls we fell… all for Give ‘em shell…

(Chorus)

Take A breath… Let these words infest your mind… this is my time and it’s manifested… I’m arrested by the words of yours that I invested…
I’ve been betrayed by those I would have laid my life down for… slayed by life and hoars… and I’m talkin’ about you who made…
Who made me believe… cuz I paid my debt to delay my death in society… Inspite of me fighting me… You keep denying me…
Behind my back this knife sticks deeper… inside my rap this life gets deeper… and deeper… but you can’t fathom…
I wanna walk up and grab them… by the throat they gloat and poke knifes and then… turn it… separating my spinal column…
Out… steve’ll Call ‘em… I will be the final fallen… the pot you churn it… VI…2005… fuck life… decapitating my denial problem…

The last verse isn't finished... just thought I'd let you all know...

aight man, im feelin this.. very good drop.. good wordplay, structure was aight, flowed well.. nice peice hommie, i like it. the last verse was tight hommie, definatly feelin that shit... keep em commin man

thanks alot... uppin' for more feedback..

this was a truly dope verse....it's like abstract poetry...rolled into text through rap...it had a ton of subliminal thoughts that were distributed through each and every line..thats very difficult to do...major props for this

thanks man... that means alot...

Uppin'...

i kinda agree wit wilfire but the stucture is what i didnt enjoy its real fucked but this tight lryics wise...check my open mic collab wit still remain, its love aight..

Im feeling this shit all throughout... nice shit

it didn't empress cause i got confused on some shit like: why are there two diferen't chorus'?


hold up a fucking socend what does lhs stand for cause my school is lhs toothat kind freaky i'm class of 2007 so you fuck me lolololol but forreal wat is lhs for you???

There is only one chorus...

Lawson HS... we definately not from the same school... I'd know...

Damn That Was Dope Your Verse Was Truley Dope
It All Flowed Togeather And No Lines Were Stretched..everything Just Made Sense
The Courus Just Tied It All Togeather For Me Along With The 2nd Verse
Your Vocab And Wordplay Was All Around Good
Keep Droppin Like This Lookin forward Ta YA Next One Fam..
10/10 Keep Droppin

Return The Favor
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=154621

uppin'.........

Nice piece, at first I wasn't really feel'n the rhyming scheme and the parameter, but after the third bar it was flow'n nice. Deep peice as well, seems like you had alot to write on, yet still seemed to come off the top. I take this away from it cause it didn't seem to choppy, you broke from one bar into the next and the transition was very suttle. Overall this was well written, when it's finished it should be a nice one.

P.S

Maybe consider putting this to audio??

thanks Da Vinci... uppin' for more feedback

Cool drop...structure was a bit different from wut ive seen but it was decent...the multis and flow was nice....hook was nice....imagery and overall piece was nice too...this was a lil over decent drop....felt it tho...give it a 8.4/10

thnx... uppin'.

Yesh this was dope VP

Nice structre, use of multi's and flow.....

This peice would be dope in audio......

ANyways this shit was worth the read....

8-10

Peace and peep any of my poetry or open mics if you want.....

thnx Ice Pick... uppin'.

uppin' for feedback

Breathe... 1 and to the 2, 2 and to the 3, lol

aiight, this was a pretty dope drop, man. I liked the wordlpay and shit. Real deep shit. I thought it was some version of the Fab song. But it wasn't. Nice shit, man. props. Structure was fucked however. but overall, dope shit. pc

this is a dope drop man, i was feelin the chorus and the flow of it is great, nice vocabulary and multies in this as well, overall good piece...1

uppin' for more feedback.

uppin' for feedback.

God damn motha fuckaz... uppin' for FEEDBACK

Wat?? this is all?????????????????

its dope.... i want to see more...

Lovin all them multi's and world play
Thought it could use some better flow or structure

But in the end, it's good

Thanks for the feeback y'all... appreciate it greatly.

Yeah Playa!!
 

Noice drop, that was some dope shit keep writing I thought there were a couple things you could work on. But overall I thought the structure was pretty good & it was laced with some sweet rhymes :shoot: :evilgrin:

yo VP that was the nicest that ie eer seen from you man had good wordplay and all that it is a ery nice drop i liked it alot good job.

PS. i might be in lawson next week. who knows i might see you. holla holla

good stuff.very expressive.tho' i disagree with some of ur views it's still good.

Thnx.... upping for feedback.

damn VP, you had pretty good rhyme scheme, but i don't really like the way you put ur structure... jst not use to reading things dat way, but its good to see u doin somethin different... I've never read ur open mics before, but its pretty good so far, but I just kind of got tired of the open mic rite after i started reading it.. jst not the type of open mics i like to read...no offense...jst you know, ppl have their own tastes :) but overall i give you a 7.8/10 good job :)