Dope Shit-death Night P.2
 

I MADE DEATH NIGHT P.1 LONG TIME AGO I FORGOT WHERE I SAVED IT

BUT HERES DEATH NIGHT P.2 FEED PEEP'Z


why i got dis feeling in my stomach thats somthing not right here
home from work but damn why i got this worry stomach feel here
i open my door knob den i see clothes from tha floor to da stairs
took one-step takin an breath,"plz i hope she aint havin an affair"
my heart beats faster lookin around iam hearing "oh yes" in my ear
then i took an big gulp,feeling nervous i hope this isnt what i fear
walking quietly up stairs see my bed-room door open,i see skin
i see 2 peep'z humping on each otha, bed-sheets being rippin(g)
I open my door,my girl jumps up if she had just heard an beeper
my hands turns to an fist,feeling like an loin with vicious anger
i look at tha dude and he had an familar face he was my friend
got him scared with my fist,w/anger he knew what was impend
my tears came running down my cheeks,den i fell onto my kneez
ran got my gun from my drawer,my girl said "oh no no no no please"
feeling decieved,betrayed,feel like i just been buried in my grave
my unloyal friend running toward tha door i said "dont try to be brave"
pointed the gun at him like them "bravehearts" he was quick to "back down"
my eyes were deep red like da devils blood,w/anger,ready to make that pop sound
den i just looked away,walked away,tha graphics it was hazardeous,like porno
i walked down stairs feeling lonely,my heart was like ashes,with wind it was blowed
i pointed the gun at my head,feeling no sorrow to myself or how this world felt
i cant stay on this earth for long,cause if i do stay then it's going to be hell


FEED PEEP'Z :thumbup:

uppin for feedbacks holla uppin

that was hot mayn...... i could see imagry in it..... good job homie

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hey yall,what chu muthafuckas doing here,can someone tell me?

we droppin lyrics mayne write and drop dem here at dis thread

OPEN MIC............word

dude that was def deep felt it all the way threw lots of emotion..flowed nice...def impacted my thoughts and put images as i read it that was real tight...try and use more complex vocab that woulda make it off the hook but it was still real nice...keep it up man def better than what u did in our battle..peace~1

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i wasnt goin to read it at first cause its small print, but i started and couldnt stop. you totally turned the tables man i fo sure thought that fool was gonna die but then comes suicide. its funny that you got this cause my cousin is lookinn at 6 years in the pen for this exact incident, caught his girl literally guy is in coma at the moment, so on so on. i like the story but you really need to work on rhymin different words, and try some multi's as long as it works with the story, but on the positive was tight.

very nice flow and imagery


work on rhyme scheme...I didn't like the use of repetition here...and your slant rhyme became repetitive


otherwise, nice piece


1

THat's Certified Platinum!!!!


deep shit...and you fit so much in a small package LMAO
you have yet to not meet my standards of hot...good peice...

8/10 this time

MAYBE ONE DAY ONE PIECE DATS ALL I NEED :thumbup:

FEED PEEP'Z

that was nice man. better than i expected from you. you had some good vocab here and there and nice imagery. the only thing that wasnt so good was that your lines were a little streched at times. but overall nice job.........

decent peice......
i was feelin the story, ya gon have me jumin out my chair when i hear any noizes now lol...
naw seriously
it was dope, i was feelin ya verse, started off a lil slow, but just got better n better as the verse went on...
the topic of ya peice was somthin diffrent, an it was enjoyable to read....

where is part 1 so i can peep it??

i saved it on my otha comp i'll try to get it by TONIGHT so um peep'z check out my DEATH NIGHT P.1 COMING OUT TONIGHT

^^true...this shit was deep, and very good...the only thing missing was the vocabulary...using larger words in a rhyme is a sign of intelligence, and that makes more people want to read it, because it proves that you know what you are talking about and can explain it vividly...anyways...great imaginary...structure...flow...everything was there but the vocab...but still an excellent piece...7.5/10 dawg...nice work...stay up...1

WORD thanks for da feedback mayne yo uppin for more feedback if ya can

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