Memory
 

Smells of old paint
spilled alchol and stale cigareetes
I can see the stained carpet
tattered and ripping in many places
Like the old sheets that cover the windows in darkness
The phone book under a table leg
and another under the couches corner
The recliner that doesnt open anymore
and the old lamp that doesnt shut off till you unplug it
The hunger of no food and even more
i can remember what hunger is
To search the refridgorator and find only cold air
and a open box of baking soda
To search the cabinets
and find only a few cans left over
which you are too young to cook
maybe even too young to reach the stove
I can see the other children on christmas
showing off thier wonderfull toys
Thier sleds and video games and other things from thier giftlists
Thier action figures and all thier goodies in thier stockings
I remember how sad i was
I wrote Santa such a nice letter
and this year i even sent him a map i drew all myself
maybe i shouldve drew better?
Because for some strange reason
no matter how good i was
Santa always forgot about me every year
I remember mom cooking
but i dont remmeber food never being near
Mom was cooking something bad
something that destroyed her
the thing that destroyed us
I remember the cold
how the blankets were never warm enough
How i woke many nights cryed
and no comfort came
no one checked to see if i was ok they wouldnt care if i died
Only sleep came to help me overcome
all the hardships i faced
i see the death all around me my life as a savage
and i realize
most my memorys are nightmares that actually happened

Good.

But weak for a freeverse. You could express so much more imagery and emotion in this man...

But word...good job.

ayo dats pretty good man ayo chekk out mine its more a song but it ended up in here but its deep shit man my boi just died on tha 11th of feb:( R.I.P ALEX) post sum feedbakk fer me please i need to get this shit off my chest im hurtin big time thanx yall

It's good, something alot of people can relate to but you made it so played out. I am so not impressed by this, you could have used stronger imagery, more potent words, you really watered this concept down. I do see some talent though, keep working and maybe you can get truly poetic.

Oh, and you need to work on puncuation.

Nice and everything was good and I know it would be much better if it rhymed and all but overall it was still a good drop. RTF

^^exactly wat they all said, dis woulda been a dope piece if u woulda put more emotion into it, 'specially more vocab(rhymin better)mainly.....but yea overrall it was iight...keep it up....1

emotion is text that sounds riducules anyways it is dope read it better if you not from the hood i or never been poor i wouldnt expect you to understand such a poem

u know me and u got our differences... but whoever said this wasn't a good poem... is a fuckin moron and should be shot for being a fuckin moron... i honestly loved this shit man. every word...1

This was dope emp nice shit man WHY does poems need to rhyme ?
you need to get in the mind of the writer and try and relate...

Stay up fam

1~

Thanks Seven And Critic Some People Dont Know What Poetry Is So They Fail To Understand It When They Actually Hear It But You Cant Scold The Blind For Not Seeing Its Not Thier Fault..........................

Hi cali......your arch enemy is here...................

yea man i gotta agree wit everyone else its deep man but sometimes it draws more attention when it rhymes

^^LOL, thats a good way of putting it bro.

Nice work, i aint gonna pretend to know shit bour poetry but i know wat i like.

It was deep, with a good use on the topic

uppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp ppppppppppppppppppppp

man that shit was wack booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo



and u call yourself the best poet on RV......nigga u wack....that was average if that

I think that is ridiculously pompus of you to say man. Can you specificaly
define poetry? What is good, what is bad. You shouldn't just acknowledge
the people who gave you props and discredit everyone who offers
criticism like they are the stupidest people in the world. I know
you are good and whatnot, but you can still get better. I mean
who really wants to read your poem if all you do is call them idiots for
not liking it. Even the dopest can still improve, you are no different man.
I thought the whole purpose of boards like this were to elevate your
writing not your ego.

this right here too is a bit inacurate. You can have emotion in text.
Do books not have emotion? I think a good writer can mostly definitely
display emotion through his/her words. While it may not be the same
type of emotion you get by way of your voice, tone, etc. it is emotion
none the less.
now as for your piece....
i thought it was decent, nothing spectacular, just decent. Now
dont take that the wrong way, but i can honestly say that i have seen
better from you. In my opinion, it seemed uninspired and a bit plain.
I would aslo have to agree with Bloomquist, that being there was no rhyme scheme you could have done so much more with it. It kind
of felt like you were just describing things, rather than truly painting
a picture. Work on showing rather than just telling. Anyone can
just say things but it takes a good writer to really give the reader
the feel of what you went through. I like the whole premise of it
though, it's good to see you get these types of hardships out in
a poem. Again though i'm sure there was much more emotion involved
that just didnt shine through the way you portrayed it. Just my opinion
though don't bite my head off or anything for stating it. Regardless
this was a good effort, but i'm positive you could have done better.
No offense. And in that quote you also said if people weren't poor
that they wouldnt understand, i think again that's entirely untrue.
It is the job of the writer to make them understand to feel like they
can relate. Im sure most who read "night" werent in a concentration
camp and people who read "native son" weren't slaves, but regardless
they still made you feel for the story and appreciate the pain and
tribulation the characters went through. You as a poet should
be able to do the same thing through your writing. Anyways
dont take any of this in a negative way, i'm just trying to provide
some actual criticism rather than just say this was dope or good read.
Keep writing man and stay grounded. Don't let success give you
the impression you aren't open to criticism.

-peace