WHAT! Ask me now why Im in TC!
 

People, read all of this through. You will see my writing talent. This is my best yet. Please read all. I swear to GOD it will be worth it.!.

I remember second grade, '91, a beautiful year
Before I met you, life was boring with my usual peers
Some liked the hardcore metal, some into the pop scene
Then I seen people hooked onto you like rock fiends
Caught my attention, had my mind in a state of suspension
And when I heard your name mentioned, you made a deep impression
Like infection, but this disease cured me of my affliction
I realized my calling in life was to love you without restriction
Thoughts were distant, I'm a young cat, already thinkin longevity
Your pedigree had me intrigued, seeking you desperately
But you played hard to get, though my thoughts were far from sex
You were afraid I'd use you, and depart like all the rest
You couldn't understand the feeling of a young man
Completely obsessed, my plan was to one day hold your hand
You were in demand, everyone needed some of your affection
I knew you'd only show me love if I got my game to perfection
'Cause your game was solid, you used to flirt with me
Hurtin me, we'd joke around, you did that shit purposely
Ever since that day my boy introduced you to me
I foolishly thought your moves to me weren't done abusively
Yeah you hurt me, perfectly worked me, it's funny how you jerked me
Must of had a Berkley degree, how to flirt superbly
Two years later after we were friends, and you found me appealing
I thought I'd grab a pen and pad, and express to you my feelings
I sat and wrote a poem, thought I was writing intricate words
In truth it was abstract thoughts, an insignificant verse
I read it to you, you laughed and called me a fake
I felt my heart break as my hand started to shake
Why wouldn't you accept me? Why'd you have to infect me?
At least respect me, instead you chewed me and didn't digest me
You spit me out, and left me in the streets begging forgiveness
In the distance, you said "Don't give up" and gave me your digits
I finally made some progress, a small step toward being with you
And in your eyes I could see, you needed me to kiss you...

...Two years later, my feelings towards you were even greater
I was in a state of infatuation, studied you alpha to omega
But I got wiser, I noticed the way you despised the
Letters I wrote to you, like a childish admirer
So I listened, your words glistened, I had a new mission
Spend all my time with you, wishing to learn your wisdom
Everything you spoke I absorbed, even what others ignored
Totally engorged, wanted more, radiated toward your orb
Your knowledge inspired me, like caffeine wired me
But you still didn't feel the same, I noticed your sister admired me
Your appearance was similar, I started to get into her
Plus you were so complicated, she was much simpler
Some people that didn't know, called her by the same name as you
Sometimes I got confused, but she didn't have the same mindframe as you
So for the next three years, me and her were together
Then one day saw you, and remembered she's a pretender
I could see you'd been hurt, and that you needed me
Broke up with her immediately, fot the first time you believed in me
God how I missed you, I leaned in and kissed you
You pulled back, then embraced, and finally made my wish true
It was a Thursday in the month of May when we discoverd fate
I knew I'd never be one of the ones that your love betrayed...

...Tenth grade began, remember all the things we'd planned?
I was gettin high off you, while my boys were steamin plants
We spent all our time together, maybe that was our mistake
I guess it was fate that our love would breed a little hate
We started fightin, clashed like thunder and lightnin
What was once so right, seemed like it might end
We were going through strife, I was no longer enjoying life
One night, had a huge fight, I had to exit stage right
That's when I decided to bounce from the crib outta spite
Went to a rave, but I didn't find nothing I liked
But I realized it would be best, if you'd see me less
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I guess we'd test
Those four months without you, I did nothin but think about you
Had to be around you, once again it was a Thursday night when I found you
You made a request, my favorite song, I knew we passed the test
I guess when true love manifests, it finds success through any stress...

...Fall of '02, I bought a gift for us to share
It looked so beautiful in the store, I had to get the matching pair
They spun, hypnotized me, I heard you chant the message
I gently touched you, you sang louder, and I began caressing
With every touch, we became closer until our souls merged
There were no more cold words, our love fused to mold birth
Love is infinate, infatuation is intricate
What we shared that day was equivalent to simple arithmetic
Me plus you would equal a bond that would never diminish
The simplest answer I gathered was, you're my reason for existence
With my love validated, I picked up the pen
Once again I wrote you a love letter, to tell you my intent
When I finally got the nerve to read you those words
My thoughts were no longer shallow, I was deeply submerged
I noticed a tear in your eye when I finished reciting
You were a little frightened at how much my mind was enlightened
I had been listening all those years, to every word you preached
And now our thoughts advanced beyond the weak, and met at the same peak...

...Today I feel incredible, our love is beyond sexual
I've found someone intellectual, I got so much respect for you
I still see your sister some days around the way
I knew one day she'd be rich, I guess she found her way
And even though you and me aren't blessed with material pleasures
The mutual respect we share, is our greatest treasure
My mind is a gem, and your voice is a diamond
Every day I'm findin new situations our love is defined in
I hold you in high esteem, my Queen
My dream is to find a scheme for me and you to get cream
For the time being, I only have my love to offer
And in a year or so I plan to make that love into our daughter
You control me, nurture me, hold me, need you to mold me
I'm still loyal all these years, remember all that you told me
Please don't leave me, like others you've loved in the past
In the last for years, one of my friends have passed
I wanna tame you, remain true, hold you down like gravity
I have to be with you forever, Hip Hop, will you marry me?

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=186428

Uppin for feed-back and it will be returned!
(I also have this posted in OM) :thumbup:

10/10.......dis shit had creativity, wordplay, imagery, flow (even tho its text)........forreal i was really feelin dis drop even tho it was years long lol........u got a story tellin talent so i give dis a 10

stay up

all i can say is....DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN.....good shit fa real fa real. keep doin wut u doin pimp...dont put down da pen...EVA

A

lol the council wont take u unless u know ppl in em or have a godly record lol..but nice piece

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....how u xpect me to read a damn novel...nigga my eyes was like dryin out readin it

yeh this why he one of TC's poet.

This is honestly goldy.

everything in this peice consist's of real shit,that I asume most of us who love hip hop can relate to.

your emotion in this is deep.
your imagery in this is strong.
your content is great!
your twist at the end is good

THIS IS WHY SWEFT IS TC!

good repping fam!

~F-D~

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW u muther fucka LMFAO i cant believe i just read that whole thing but i am so happy i did because that was one of the best OM i read on this bitch i really liked this shit lmao i know u said there was goin to be a twist but i was expectin something like the girl cheated on u ll u took it on a whole nother level this shit was dope 10/10 deffinently, lol i wasnt goin to read it all but after i started i kinda got hooked lol this shit was hella dope and u betta not quote me so i can look like im a fiend lmao but yea this shit was hot and keep em comin u little talented muther fucka lol oh and Fi-del his name is sweft not swift lol

aight son stay up, TC 4eva

You were in demand, everyone needed some of your affection
I knew you'd only show me love if I got my game to perfection


My favorite lines.

fuck this was long but worth it. I read all of em except the last paragraph.
I'll read it whem my mom isn't around. But lot of deep emotiion anmd I felt the way you feel about girls lol. I loved all the wording and some of my end rhymes were her and I'm flattered cuz in such a great poem. maybe you and I can help each other out and we supposed to collab. But I would love to poetry collab with you and if we do make sure you are as good as you are now. But maybe your as good as me. lol. Keep repping TC with that hot shit.

Peace. RTF or else...

DAME,,.... Shit son this was a dope verse I read the whole thing which
is good...

Vocab on point,.. Flow on point with nice inners which added to complexity
dame,..

Anyways thought I better peep your writing for the poetry league and I
guess I'm lucky I did. Seems like I'm gonna have to drop some heat,..

Keep writing Sweft

1~

I'm reading this in incriments. i have ADD i cant concentrate that long. sorry
but from what i have read this shit is dope. i can relate to it whole heartedly... i'mma read sum more when i get out of class. i'm already late for Sociology

if u can, feed on my piece "I'm a Nigga" its in my sig as well

Yo, on the real...
this peice was that fiya, everything was right on point, wordplay, creativity, an a very imagantive peice, enjoyable ta read, there is not a damn thing i can fault wit this.....keep 'em comin dogg, 9/10 fa this peice

Wow, It feels kinda good you know? Like, I dont show alot of my work cuz It's personal. I feel like I am on American Idol! (LoL)
Well, everyone who droped somethin i either already posted on theirs or Im gettin' to it.. Thankx everyone..
Uppin...
Sweft

you son of a beach....why did i read that whole thing?....because it was fucking amazing....shit, you piece of shit...i was so submerged with the storyline, i didn't think at all you would throw that mother fucking twist in......then i was lik, SHIT BITCH.....i was kinda getting suspiscious with all the loving and shit before gr.10, haha, but seriously, this was a great OM, one of the best i've read, it was refreshing, because everything was positive and expressed so vividly......emotion = great....imagery = fuckin great storyline = son of a beach great, haha, flow was good to get into.....some lines were choppy but you stayed consistent, which is good...hang on, im a go find my fav lines........

I sat and wrote a poem, thought I was writing intricate words
In truth it was abstract thoughts, an insignificant verse
Everything you spoke I absorbed, even what others ignored
Totally engorged, wanted more, radiated toward your orb
Me plus you would equal a bond that would never diminish
The simplest answer I gathered was, you're my reason for existence

^ word, just some lines that stood out in my mind......aight man, definately keep up......hall of famer right here, haha, pz

Omg Theres Hella D.r In This Thread Ill Be Real Wit You Homie Cuz I Aint No Fake Dude This Was O.k Overall Much Too Long For One But Still Was Good.you Need To Use Better Vocab As Well As Better Metaphores It Seems As If You Sacraficed Imagery To Make It Flow Better And Ryhme Toghther More Fluidl;y Dont Do That This Is Poetry Let It Free Flow.other Then That Story Was Good Here The Imagery Was Good But Couldve Been Much Better Here Overall Too Long Bue A Decent Story In It.

Wow, thank you Kesse and C.A.L.I!
Wow, Kasse! Son of a Beach! (LoL) I haven't heard that in hella days.. Thank you for the encouragement..
C.A.L.I...
Where are you from? I stayed in San Jo for about a year.. where you stay?
Thank you everyone.. and if I didnt drop any feedback than give me a link and I will do so!
Sweft

ay this was cool.....

.....like cali said it was ok....not the best but it was pretty good.....

.........your vocabulary at times was good but that was a long poem.....

...overall thats definitely a 9.9 because nobody gets a 10...

.............one more thing..that last line..aint it from nas new cd?.....

Not sure actually. I haven't heard it. It would hella flip me the fuck out if it is! (LoL) lemme know for sure..
Sweft
Uppin...

very good shit dawg, im impressed

now dats what i like to see on RV...real shit fam...to be honest, i wondered why u was in TC too...well now i know in full force...dis is a must peep for everybody, period...10/10 my nigga...stay up

-DB

Wow I have the upmost respect for ur skills in writing this was a good read, You show a story many tend to overlook

nice fuckin drop fam 10/10 emotion was tight as fuck, creative as well good use of words n ya vocab was deep. I read this twice homie I was that impressed wit it fam. tight ass,dope ass drop. You runnin the show wit this piece of godlyness u jus typed into this thread!

10/10 absoulete perfection

holla fam

oHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, SHIT, you popped off tha dopest
piece ive seen in a long fuckin time(i knew you would)
thats my boi, doin it larege in TC.. yes this is why you were recruited
your skill, your maturity n your perfect execution of topics brother
there was alot of dope bars in this.......but this was simply my fav
.
My mind is a gem, and your voice is a diamond
Every day I'm findin new situations our love is defined in
.
keep it up fam, you deserve this....9.99/10

i really really thot this piece was amazing but i honestly didnt like the last line, it was like all the deepness n talk about 'daughters n sisters' n stuff didnt make sense anymore!

ur an amazing writer tho!!!:thumb:

word. i read the whole thing. nice twist at the end. very creative, the piece drew me in and kept me alive. never got borin at one part. truly a great piece.

Yo, its Analogy.. lemme brake it down..

"But you still didn't feel the same, I noticed your sister admired me
Your appearance was similar, I started to get into her
Plus you were so complicated, she was much simpler
Some people that didn't know, called her by the same name as you
Sometimes I got confused, but she didn't have the same mindframe as you"

Okay like, Lil John.. this fool is not hip hop. I am saying the sister is RAP.. now some real hip hop are the underground artist. It's more about money these days.. and that's bull shit.. "oh im ryding spinners" yeah it's catchy and not a bad song.. its just hip hop..
next..
Now the daughter.. I am saying I wanna step up my game.. Not that I wanna be a rapper but I wanna do slam pieces.. but I was writing this poem for hip hop heads.. I wanted more people to feel where I am coming from. I dont know.. at one time.. I did wanna be a rapper.. but its not my passion.
"And in a year or so I plan to make that love into our daughter"

(LoL) no disrespect.. but Im not sure how that confused you..
late..
Uppin!

cool drop.. the only "flaw" i could find was that the concept has been done by the likes of Nas and Common...long as all hell...lmao... but it flowed well and the story stayed on point all the way through... could tell a lot of thought went into it... a lil more in depth than common's version... can't remember Nas's too much...lol... good shyt yo

Wow at these people's replies. I think it's ridiculous that you are getting
so many ten out of tens and what not, and so little criticism. Cali is about
the only person i've seen who actually gave you something to build on.
Now, don't get me wrong; i'm not hating or anything like that but i
think this sort of thing can somewhat ruin potential and send you in the
wrong direction. Yes it's nice to get props and be told you are awesome,etc
however, and don't take this the wrong way but I doubt there is going
to be any perfect poems on any of these boards which is what a ten out of ten indicates. Everyone has flaws and we can all get better. I'd rather be told
i suck and get some constructive criticism anyday than be told my shit
is flawless, i mean how can someone elevate in that manner? Anyways,
tomorrow i'm going to devote some time to read through your poem and
give you a brutally honest breakdown, so you can actually have something
solid to build on. :)

^^^take in to consideration this type of format and
style of writing on rv is new to him, that is one of themain reasons
he got such good feedback... not sure if your a vet or just a noob that thinks
he knows what hes talkin bout but realistically it was a good piece and all
the people that said it ws a 10/10 are not very good themselves...
.

:shocked: Thats the best OM/Poetry ive ever read.. seriously amazing amazing
U kept the reader hooked on ur story, i just couldnt wait to finish reading it :D
Not only that, but u kept ur Flow and didnt force any rhymes
Loved it man, ill look out for ur future OM's

I think most people are familar with the format he used. The AABB rhyme
scheme is the nothing new, it's pretty typical on any board in various
styles of writing; Text battles, om's, poetry, etc. But don't get me wrong
man what i said wasn't any way shape or form meant to be negative, so
there's no need to defend him. I was just merely saying that in my
personal opinion people should work towards maybe giving some criticism
as opposed to pure props being that's what helps us all truly elevate our writing. I wasn't trying to take away anything from his piece. And no
I'm not claiming to know everything, just stating opinion but i'm also
not a noob. I mean after all we're in the same crew. :)
Anyways, sorry Sweft for clogging your thread, i promise i'll edit
in a dope reply later.

this is a very good piece and is WAY beyond my level in poetry....but i've only been at it for 2 years now so yea....you had a few lines that mafe me lose interest but i don't feel like going back to them but most of the poem had me very deep in interest....you can work on your metas and shit....structure is always important to me in text....so work on that too....this should definantly be stickied tho....i aint into Nas or anything so i can't agree with anyone on that....but this was a very good piece, very good imagery and all the emotion was there....i was thinkin it was a girl at first cuz the first verse i can relate to in that way so when you threw that twist in i was like wow he's good lol...decent vocab and yea....we can all elevate and that's the truth you get a 9/10
return some feed on the next OM or poem i do
i'll pm you the link
peace

its totally cool. Im still waitin what u have to say..
sweft

First off i'd like to say that i liked your piece. Reading through it
i thought to myself, yeah he definitely has writing ability but the
subject matter is kind of overdone and somewhat unoriginal.
And honestly that was kind of a turn off, i mean you can only
read so much of this type of stuff before it becomes predictable
content wise. But then i got to the end and was pleasantly supprised
by the little twist you threw in. Here i was the whole time thinking
a chick was the basis for the poem, when it turned out to be hip-hop.
Now i can't say i've seen this concept before, it mave have been
done, but it really made your piece in my opinion. I mean i can
honestly say that caught me off gaurd and that's a good thing.
What made it good is that you didn't really let on that it was
anything other than a girl. That to me was the strongest thing about
your piece and it's good to see you utilize it, very creative indeed.
However with bad comes good and i saw a few areas where you
could stand to improve. To me and it may just be me, but this
really seemed like more of an om than a poem due to the
constant internal rhyming and set scheme throughout the piece.
You did place emphasis on the emotion which is typical of poetry
in most peoples opinion but i thought having to adhere to the scheme
and keep with the internals hindered it a bit. I would have liked
to have seen you move away from that and into a more free verse
type of poem. In my opinion it allows you to say so much more
as well as be way more creative with your ideas. Where as with
a rap or topical or whatever you have to keep that flow by rhyming
and throwing in some words that arent necessarily important to
to what you're conveying. Oh and i was just reading it again and
i saw something that also kind of struck me as confusing. I liked
how you personified hip-hop but some of the lines were kind of
odd if you think about it. Like where you talked about your
wanting to hold hands and the part where you leaned in to kiss.
These lines kind of made me think that maybe you forgot for a second
that you were talking about hip-hop. Now i know you were trying to
make it seem like you were talking about a girl but i really feel like
you could do without lines like those. As they just add to the speculation
that you hadn't intended the twist all along. Anyways it's late
and ive rambled off a page already, lol so i'm going to stop right there.
Sorry if i didnt live up to your expectations as far as my criticism
but i did my best to give you my honest breakdown. Regardless keep
at it hope i helped somewhat

-peace

whoah, what a explanation..

Damn hommie...great drop, a love letter to hip hop...the concept has been thought of b-4, but you really made it work for you. The emotion was obviously tha strongest aspect of this drop. Ya structure was a lil off in some places, but ya vivid rhymes made every line enjoyable. Great Drop

Overall...9.5/10

RTF on a link in tha sig

Well, first and formost thank your for your input. Think about this mkay. When your with a bomb ass chick right and walkin´ in the mall. You wanna hold her hand and put your arm around her to show her off.
Now about me kissing Hip Hop. Ever seen people freestyling? You know you been waiting for that moment to jump in and show people what you got. That is what I mean by the kiss. People laughing at me because I was trying to freestyle.
I didnt forget what I was writing about. I thought this through for a while and it took forever. I am a slow writer. :thumbup:
Well thank you and the favor will be returned!

Sweft