Lyricle Disciple vs LyricleSolja
 

Battle Rules:

Topical:Sun Rise

16 Lines
No Crew Votes
No Recycling
No Biting
My Bad Fucked Up The Other One Man Sorry

Minimum posts to vote: 20

Check in by: 05-05-05 at 12:10 AM

Must drop verse in 60 minutes after check in.

Lyriclesolja has ACCEPTED this battle on 05-04-05 12:41 AM.

8:30
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Yo as my eyes get tired my feet make it hard to walk,
I can barely step now let alone speak & talk,
I see in slow motion-communication is bare,
Speech all around me-the people will stare,
Words surround me talk to me if you dare,
Fore where i am bound-my bed i am finially there,
Slowly but surely ma covers will warm,
From the cold air-a hard breeze-the storm,
As i slowly slip into great dreams,
Filled with passed members and things,
Then the dream slowly dies,
And my sore eyes meet the graceful sun rise.

Lyricle Disciple has ACCEPTED this battle on 05-04-05 01:00 AM.

Voted For: Lyricle Disciple

LD pretty much took this joint, his verse was alot more thought out and had more of the things that a topical joint nees. BAsically, there was better imagery which helped to paint the picture of the topic of a Sun rise. Ld's verse also flowed a lil better although ya both had some good flow.
both of you should have used some metaphors or simile's though. they would have made ya verses more complex and it would have been pretty easy to do. LD's vocab was better in this battle tooo.

overall=LS' ya verse was good but ya needed to add more to it. you had good flow and structure, and some potential for a nicve piece but it seeme dlike u aint follow through, so LD's wins this joint becuz his verse wa smore thorough, it had better imagery and vocab...RETURN THE FAVOR links int he sig

oh nvm i see it now, the sun sweeps the floor like an old dusty broom, i forgot about that one

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consider this vote erased..........................

uppin why not right....................................

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Voted For: Lyricle Disciple

Lyriclesojah

Yo as my eyes get tired my feet make it hard to walk,
I can barely step now let alone speak & talk,
I see in slow motion-communication is bare,
Speech all around me-the people will stare,
Words surround me talk to me if you dare,
Fore where i am bound-my bed i am finially there,
Slowly but surely ma covers will warm,
From the cold air-a hard breeze-the storm,
As i slowly slip into great dreams,
Filled with passed members and things,
Then the dream slowly dies,
And my sore eyes meet the graceful sun rise

Overall
Nice verse...pros about the verse...the vocab was very good flow was nice and easy to make out i think you kept on the topic quite well but heres the cons...to me topicals should go the max line limit you didn't this can hinder verses sometimes if it's a couple of lines it ain't a problem but 16 max and you did 12 thats 4 short but i feel you could of used those lines to your advantage...also even though the flow was good it seemed a lil short line wise and it was a quick read but other than ok verse...jus use the lines to your full advantage in future and make ya lines longer :thumbup:


Trauma

As I Lay Wide Awake Into The Break Of Don I Then Realize,
The Beautiful Sun Rise, The Horizon Light Up Before My Eyes
As The Sun Sweeps The Floor Room Like An Old Dusty Broom
Thy Skies Light Up As My Windows Fulfill Itself With Gloom
Reflection Of Orange Stain My Wall With Colors Of White Light
Complexions Of Flowers Dove's Are Nice, It Keeps Getting Bright
Dust On My Floor Lights Up As The Light Shines Over A Dove
The Eye In The Skies Of Clouds As The Sun Reaches A-Bove
The Sky And Horiz-on Appeals My Eyes And Pink Is Sligh-ten
As The.....Light-in The Sun Suddenly Glooms And Bright-ens.
The Amusement Seams Un--Confusing Cuzz Of The Suns Shape
As I Once More Gape At The Open Gates Opening Up My Fate
Isn't Ironic How The Suns Shape Is The Look Of A Girls Bottom
And At The Same Time In The Cold.....It'll Still Get Hotter(Hotta)
As The Space Clears There Is No Trace Of The Sun Rise Here
And The Clouds Go Back, And The Gloom Of Light Dissapears

Overall
Nice verse structure in nice and evenly laid out flows ok some good rhyming i really felt the metaphor in the 3rd line used max lines which like i said is an advantage i think you got this mostly because it seems you put a lot more time into your verse the rhyming is nice metaphors are good laid out nicely and easy to read closer was good...

V/Trauma...good topical L'Soljah i think longer lines and usage of more lines woulda made this a more competative battle...RTF in my sig (E.C) within 3 days or vote removed :thumbup:

Voted For: Lyriclesolja

ya need some work. not to be mean ne thing you need to get rid of that yo.... it makes it sound wack. work on your story a little. please take this advice and work on your strucutue. it'll make it look better.

This was feedback posted for Lyriclesolja
 

uppin.............................................

This was feedback posted for Lyricle Disciple
 

uppin for this shit

Voted For: Lyricle Disciple

trauma-your verse was good, a little simplistic..but had the nessacary features.

other guy-your shit was weak.

v/trauma


Unexplained vote removed