artística~Mente vs Triple_N
 

Battle Rules:

20-30 Lines
No Crew Votes
No Recycling
No Biting

Topic-Ending Beginnings



Minimum posts to vote: 300

Check in by: 06-07-05 at 02:44 PM

Must drop verse in 7200 minutes after check in.

Triple_N has ACCEPTED this battle on 06-04-05 06:55 PM.

Tweety has ACCEPTED this battle on 06-06-05 11:49 PM.

Was pressed for time so I keyed something real quick...goodluck to art.....1


Awake to the same darkness & warmth I do everyday
Same habitual meals daily, theres never one in disarray
But today seems different, I can strongly sense it
Cuz usually every instant of my day is consistent
I am use to hearing a comforting voice of peacefulness
Today its full of grief & sorrow witta hint of deceitfulness
An its making me uneasy, but I can't scream so I kick
As hard as I can, to make sure the voice can feel it
But yet I hear nothing, I feel no response whatsoever
Usually the voice responds, this riddle I cannot deceiver
Wait!! now we're moving I can feel my home vibrating
whoa! now we've stop vibrating but a sound's resonating
An on & off humming noise..that occasionally goes "beep, beep"
Now, the humming noise has stopped, home's back on its feet
Its vibrating again, where is my home taking me? anybody
Know anything? now I hear another voice saying "this is lobby
take elevator to floor 4" but what do those words mean?
My kicking isn't working, I wish I could let out a loud scream
Oh wait! the comforting voice is back an its in its norm tone
but I hear it mixed wit other voices I don't think its alone
Can't understand what they say, but can hear deep breathes
Now its just the breathes, seems the other voices left
Oh! I heard the a turning "click" sound then a loud slam
Now comforting voice is talking to another thats real blan
wait! voices have stopped, my home's postion's rearranged
I'm laying on my back like nite nite time but thats strange
Its not nite nite time yet, Hey!! what is that touching me?
OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am feeling sharp pain suddenly
ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! its getting worser now
hey! its stopped, what a relief, but I seem to be off ground
& floating upward bound but I gotta sense calming peace now

Uppin this.............................................

This was feedback posted for Triple_N
 

First off... Shame on you Triple for takin the sig for ILLunatic and I's crew from RB awhile back...

but yeah this is just feedback

Triple... your piece was okay imagery and emotion was lacking due to you forcing this piece and you can really tell that your rushed and forced this piece ... Not really up to par with the rest of your workings.... you structure was good and the story line was okay.... still need work though

Tweety... meh i would say you took this but im just leaving feedback.... your piece was good strong emotion and imagery to paint a mental picture from... very solid piece here man... our battle should be good... Holla

^^ Word to that bruh......Word to that............Uppin for some damn votes.

Damn 139 views..............but 1 feedback?..........C'mon now vote up and i'll return a fav.

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Voted For: artÃ-stica~Mente

Awake to the same darkness & warmth I do everyday
Same habitual meals daily, theres never one in disarray
But today seems different, I can strongly sense it
Cuz usually every instant of my day is consistent
I am use to hearing a comforting voice of peacefulness
Today its full of grief & sorrow witta hint of deceitfulness
An its making me uneasy, but I can't scream so I kick
As hard as I can, to make sure the voice can feel it
But yet I hear nothing, I feel no response whatsoever
Usually the voice responds, this riddle I cannot deceiver
Wait!! now we're moving I can feel my home vibrating
whoa! now we've stop vibrating but a sound's resonating
An on & off humming noise..that occasionally goes "beep, beep"
Now, the humming noise has stopped, home's back on its feet
Its vibrating again, where is my home taking me? anybody
Know anything? now I hear another voice saying "this is lobby
take elevator to floor 4" but what do those words mean?
My kicking isn't working, I wish I could let out a loud scream
Oh wait! the comforting voice is back an its in its norm tone
but I hear it mixed wit other voices I don't think its alone
Can't understand what they say, but can hear deep breathes
Now its just the breathes, seems the other voices left
Oh! I heard the a turning "click" sound then a loud slam
Now comforting voice is talking to another thats real blan
wait! voices have stopped, my home's postion's rearranged
I'm laying on my back like nite nite time but thats strange
Its not nite nite time yet, Hey!! what is that touching me?
OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am feeling sharp pain suddenly
ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! its getting worser now
hey! its stopped, what a relief, but I seem to be off ground
& floating upward bound but I gotta sense calming peace now


Ok i am no topical Genius. but i really wuznt feelin diz peice, there wuz no real emotion within da verse...imagination seemed forced & very basic. vocab was ok, da concept ov ur peice wasnt very creative either, u'd beat me in topicals dat fa sho but frum wat i can see in diz peice, u dont have da complex creative mind 2 hang wit da big gunz in topicalz


-Hospital bed-

My back feels so cold, I can see the light in my sight, but i'm not in heaven
I take an exhale breath, taking out the tense in me, hopefully i wont' go to seven
My thighs tremble, the open pores on my face are full with sweats...
And my mind are fill with "wonders"...Will i live through this or Will i be dead?
The forshadow of my past comes into my mind, and the laughters echoes
The pointy fingers i see, it's giving me a head-ache. But it was all a halo
Sound of the creaking wheels,ringing in my ear.The feel of it from my hands
Sadden by the days I used to sit by the window, watching the world goes by everyday.
I inhale, the puff of gas smoke is now entering in my stystem, putting me out deep
And I remember the day, that god answered my pray, as i went to sleep

-My prayer being answered-

With the darkness looms around me, i'm unde-rcovers with a flash light
My teeth ripples in my jaw, sadness is in me like a empty soul as darknight
My unchap lips are fill with salty water leaked from my pupil as it quivers
I led out a whimper sound, with my hands on my head, the laughters flutters
I can hear them, i see their pointy-fingers, my eyes moves so Controllably
Then i whisper,"leave me alone....leave me alone" under my breath silently
Put my head under the pillow, left the flash light, on "please go away"
Why my life has to be like this? like my road is broken in a critical pathway
I take my pen, as my fingers are prune by my tears, as it tremble
Then i wrote in my diary, as the tears hit my bed one by one.....
Why can't i be normal?


-My prayer came true-

I open my eyes, saw myself in a another world, in a different dimension
Birds chirping, I see cars passing by me. I say to myself "is this fiction?"
Agitation creeps in all places in my body, As I mysterious step foward
The sun bolster around on my neck, the comfortableness shattered
I look up in the air, clouds dangling in the sky like loose leafs on tree's
Put my hand in the air and yelled out "Thank you jesus" as my tears leak
All my life it was my dream to be like the others, the difference will never tell
Now my eyes are like an ruby, I've been blessed by "god" magicial spell
Something ranged in my ear, that made me cry so heavily but i was happy
It was the voice of my mom, when she said "Derik....OMG...your walking"

G-LUCK!

Decent peice, vocab was strong throughout, ur chosen scheme in da peice wuz alot more creative & imagantive than triple N'z drop, emotion wuz strong especially in da following lines;

My unchap lips are fill with salty water leaked from my pupil as it quivers
I led out a whimper sound, with my hands on my head, the laughters flutters
I can hear them, i see their pointy-fingers, my eyes moves so Controllably
Then i whisper,"leave me alone....leave me alone" under my breath silently
Put my head under the pillow, left the flash light, on "please go away"
Why my life has to be like this? like my road is broken in a critical pathway

dem lines wuz deep & i wuz feelin ur emotion throughout, but dem lines especially.

Vote=Tweety-better scheme in da chosen concept ov da topical & alot more imagantive wit da peice ..plz rtf

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Voted For: Triple_N

Trip had a much bigger vocab and his structure was better.
Tweety had a good setup but it got distracting, i liked trips set up a lil more.
Tweety did not get in as much detail as trip did, he tryed too but lacked the vocab to do so.
Trips was just easier to relate to and seemed like the better choice.

v/triple N

Vote disqualified for inadequate feedback. Please see this thread if you need help on what qualifies as an acceptable explanation.

^^ Will be Remove.........................Uppin............

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Voted For: Triple_N

Triple took this one in my opinion. I felt he had more detail to it, and it was more original. Tweety, your drop was too expected. When I read tha topic, I imagined in my head what tha drops would be like, and urs was something like what I imagined. You need to come off a lil more creative, and throw voters for a loop when they read. U gota give them something they aint expected. It's not a bad thing, just lost some points for that. but, i think triple took this one, because his drop was more complex, and intelligent. i felt he came off with better imagination, because of some of the sensory detail that he stated. this was a real good battle tho. i just didn't fall into it with tweety verse, mainly because of tha lack of good imagination. his verse was boring to me.

no hate to anyone in this battle. keep doin ya thang. my vote goes to triple.

no need to RTF.
~1~

Might be removed uppin.........................................

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Voted For: Triple_N

aiight y'all both fam, but i'ma peep this shit:

Tweety, nice shit man. You had some good flow there. Fell off though at some time. You had nice imagery and meta's in there. Really made me thingk. good shit overall. Really liked it.

Trip, aiight. let's see. flow real good. Stayed good throughout whole shit. You had damn good imagery and meta's. Damn, yo. Really liked this shit. Liked that Ouch and arghhhhh line. haha.. good shit. really made me think.

overall, this was real good battle. real close and shit. But I think trip got it in the end. overall real good battle tho. pc one.

v/trip

Sorry but you can't vote on my battles...............Your part of The Establishment.......

This was feedback posted for Triple_N
 

checkin polls.........................................

Broing as fuq...why y'all doin topicals.Just battle.Topicals take like 3 months to finish cause nobody votes in it.

Voted For: Triple_N

hmmm, first i liked tweetys vocab, it was very extensive and clear, but that alone cannot win, cuz after the first paragraph it didnt even rhyme.. so i couldnt get a very good feel to it.. i think triple N had a good ending cuz it was just kinda painting tha picture for ya... and all his lines rhymed and had very good imagery to me... tweety i think took the vocab f'sho and also had very good imagery but i felt there was some iffy spots in it and it fell off cuz the first paragraph was my fav... trips was just one big block of story that had me interested the whole way thru... ima give it to trip....

vote/ trip...

y do u ask for votes if u just get them removed if they arent for u... dam..

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Voted For: artÃ-stica~Mente

this was a okay battle..
Trip: Your verse was good.. but not your best man.. i've read alot of your pieces and i think you know that.. but i personally think that you've done alot better before.. your vocab was good but not alot of good vocab.. your imagery I believe was okay.. its like there were words but no image.. its like a movie with no picture.. u could only hear em talking.. but yeah there were still some imagery.. but your emotion was there.. as i you sed in the begining you didnt have much time to write this so i understand..

7/10

Tweety:
Your verse in the begining was jst a lil confusing for me a lil.. but wen i got to the end i understood it... ur vocab was sorta there but trip had better vocab.. your story line was pretty good but the way you put it was the usuall.. like how u had different scenes like my prayer being answered and coming true n shizzle.. that was really good before but now that everyone does it its annoying to me... lol no offense but was still good.. but wut go to me was the ending.. ti was really good.. the last line Derik OMG your walking got to me.. im like oh shyt now it makes sence lol.. really good..

8/10

vote: tweety

Voted For: Triple_N

gotta go with Triple here, his was more creative to me, Tweety, just your titles of the parts alone told too much without the person having to actually read the piece, it ruins the element of surprise when you do that ma...

overall I just enjoyed reading Triple's more than Tweety's, not that hers was bad but TN's caught and kept my attention a lot more...

good drops by both though kiddies

Voted For: Triple_N


Nice drop playahz...great battle..actually da only reason my vote goes to Triple_N is because i feel his verse stayed on topic better...both had good imagery...good vocab...structure was better by Tweety but da important thing is bein on topic...With that being sed and my tyme dwindling :D :thumbup: i'll Go head n post this vote
good drop Tweety..i like ya style..
Church