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"Lost"
This is my verse from a topical battle with CALI...I thought it might serve as a decent OM as well...Please leave some feed, drop a link, and I will RTF.
"Lost" if it took laughs to save me, id resite what i knows lost as i lye on my closed plot, watchin myself die in my own thoughts with u, why am i so soft, a man but as a savage he wept lost in a hole, from my soul, as big as a galaxies depth from all tha extra baggage he kept, he knows not of tha inner beast nor tha joys of a succesful life, or the love being a winner brings i bet they wont remember me, when my tombs put on its site all i seen was black, the day my heart cracked, n darkness took on this light so much put on his mind, how could he handle tha strain love dismantled tha flame, a mere candle in rain if handled it breaks, i caught this cancer in june the question, wasnt deprression, so how could i find the answers in you she wouldnt expand her views, so how could she see tha hurt promised a ride, to tha skys, but steadily put me beneath tha dirt always nsync with burns, the way she mixed gasoline wit words its like i was dreamin first, until u look up n see tha clouds move then in a second, u see tha heavans, fall n crush everything around you need ta run but dont think your allowed to, u scream but everything is soundproof uve just been beat without clues, of why any of this shit happened anyhow its like your stuck, inside of love, as u beg god "ill do anything if u get me out" i know your thinkin with me now, even though your thoughts is bruised i'll never get my head straight, i'll face everyday, in mental solitude |
feedback would be nice...
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uppin this fuckin shit
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to the roof.........
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i'm feelin papi....nice....keep doin good
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Very well written, multis were good and used nicely, i really liked how you placed your thoughts/lines like "promised a ride, to tha skys, but steadily put me beneath tha dirt
always nsync with burns, the way she mixed gasoline wit words" also i liked how you used words as fire, it gave it a big impact (well, that's how i interpreted 'words' as). Everything else was straight, too (metas, vocab, etc.) wordplay could use a tid bit elevation and the complexity of the verse could be more. Other than that, i can't think of anything else you could've done. I would rate it an 8.5/10 |
Thanx for that constructive feed it is appreciated...Drop a link to one of your pieces, and I will return the favor.
Uppin this shit |
uppin this shit
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uppin this shit
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damn can I get some feed??????
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uppin this shit
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this was good man, real good imagery and emotion was put into it, made it sound good, keep it up
please RTF on my drop, Bible Books |
will do thanx for the feed...uppin
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this was nice... better than the other OMs ive peeped...
good emotion...the 'inner' imagry you had was great... the first few bars that have to do with the psycology of the character is great... very well done, im fond of that as well. you had good rhymes... a LIL weak on the rhyme scheme but it fit the peace... Strong rhyme may have made it a BIT more intelligent but the scheme it had fit. the imagry was good... i had a good image of what you were saying...props on that... overall, a nice peace...good job... NOW...hit my OM |
Good look bro thanx for the feed
Uppin This Shit |
word...this is felt vividly
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LOL at your feed
:shoot: uppin this shit |
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