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3-daggers Knifes
 -MOM- She cries everyday, with memories of her loss ones The little angel, her lover, and her little man..all gone 3 daggers of knifes, left her feeling of anguish sorrow To her, like the clock stopped, there will be no tomorrow How long she must, keep these memories in her head? With anguish grief, tears heavily weep. Heart is dead. She's forgotten to celebrate the memories than death Chocked by tears, blood surrounds her, wit her last breath 3-daggers of knifes, stuck in her, that wont come out It's tearing her soul, that she wont wake up..no doubt . .-SON- It was an sunnyday, smiles on thier faces, laughters roam Children playing outside, with exciting feeling out thier home He had little legs, and blond set of hair, with cute blue eyes Giggles and jumps all around, thinking he can touch the sky Friends around him, with hearts like him. All happy and playing Friends that will soothe him, when he sadden, hurt or crying *bounce bounce* the ball goes, everychild goes "weeeeeee" Look at the ball, look at high it goes, up it goes beyond the tree's He was trying to catch it, when it came down. but he didnt Rolled on the concrete, "I'll get it, I'll get it" ............................The ball still moving he didnt move a inch . .-DAD- Tides move slighty, and soothing every person body in it Theres no fear here. *Ha* they just dont see it's hidden He picks up his little angel, throws her in the air with wings *wee* the girl said, with so much furor. *Lets do it again daddy* Feeling no tense in his muscles, he picks her up again Smile across her face, feeling enthuastic,she just can't wait Agony of pain strikes in his leg, he led out a loud scream The girl ran to the shore, saw the blood. Yelled out *Daddy* Water all over the place, she couldnt see a thing. Feeling woried In the water under the pits of blood, there his reamains lay buried . .-DAUGHTER- She lost all hope, overall she lost-herself, as she lay on the floor Screams in pain, in agony. Dis-pleasing the hits, that she dont adore Tears hitting her cheeks. Escaping is a no no, she's trapped in the abyss God and angels remain defean, who can help her and stop this She lost herself so bad, it's like an shadow that dont follow you no more Run-away from home, her mother. Along the way, she made wrong choices Chose the wrong roads, now it ends here with a roadblock, death ending her she must release herself from this pit of hell. Saw a knife on the table Graped it, 2 choices we're being made. Kill the monster. or release yourself With the sharp, point drilling in to the heart, blood spilling out....of hers . .-MOM- Witness all of her family deaths, stood upon thier casket..shed tears Now she's shedding no more. with the death of her own. Kinda did this to shake up my boredom. -Leave feed and links to your OMS OR POEMS |
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tweety this was dope girl......nice imagery for each character representing this poem...the tones were set perfectly mood and everything was nice,a decent vocabulary,flow was smooth,the setup and format was nicely added,the concept was quite nice it had plenty of emotion including the picture which went quite nice with the poem....honestly reading this makes me see the potential in you being a great writer,keep it up girl,keep writing
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^^ Thanx Valor....................................:love:
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i agree with valor... you know how to keep a story well put together.. i think this was very creative and the picture was a nice add.. keep doin ya thang, holla @ me
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damn ma....this was gooooood....yeah, yur story telling is great...creative throughout....I lyked the ending of the Son part....And the picture just put the icing on the cake.....dont let that pen go....
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^^ Ok Uppin...........................................
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Excellent piece, ripped topic from league huh? I'ma spank you for that! :hump:
Very nicely written, excellent imagery, I could picture everything like a movie flashing in front of my eyes. Emotion was strong, pure and raw. I love how you divided it into different parts, kept the readers focussed and gave different views on situation. Concept was very interesting, you managed to really draw the readers into the story and keep them in it till the very end. Nice... |
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Topic I like the use of a picture as your inspiration or whateva to write...good way to cure writers block etc tec..interesting title - but learn how to spell plural of knife..jus makes u look illiterate or sum shit...title has pleasantly aroused ma intrigue Content This was a long ass piece girl...damn...right content wise you talked about alot of stuff...nothing crazily deep all revolving round the death of the family and each family members death lead up to death etc you basically followed a structure within each stanza of talk bout feelings..kill em..meh got kinda repetitive in a way..each character failed to bring something new to the piece Structure hmmmmmmmmmm...was there any specific reason you chose for having 10line stanza's???cant really see an effect that the form brings...a more irrational less structured form may have expressed the "horror" of this all by making the flow of the pice more irratic and more real...emotions and thoughts do not tend to generally flow in beautiful 10line stanzas...especially when about deep content as your writing about...i know your a topical writer...structure is soooo much less important in poetry, unless your writng to a form..so let shit jus flow yo Imagery Imagery varied from stanza to stanza...in some it was vivid (i.e SON and MOM)..in others (i.e DAUGHTER) it was pathetically low and unclear and u got lost in just rant in description Emotion Emotion, this you had on lock...emotion did come through in all verses and the motha was really felt for...and the 'tragedy' of it all really came through :thumbup: Devices (metaphors/similies etc)Metaphors where few and far between, obviously not all poets chuck metaphors into their pieces, but they greatly help to create imagery which you lacked in some of your stanzas..you had similies but some were kinda crappily simplistic: "like the clock stopped, thres no tommorow"..you obviously arent thick, dont write crappyness like that its jus ---___---.... Problems -It seems to me you have commas scattered eevrywhere when unneeded, where they should be they arent there.. - Change up your rhymescheme..you have evry long lines...have some inline rhymes stops shit from sounding talkative and monolgue-ish lol Improve -Use some assonance or alliteration or somin...shit would sound dope with your in-depth type tyle..check nos' topcials, youll catch some nice examples there -Check out DQ's poetry you can write dope and not have to try amaze n dazzle the reader with over complicated crap...no offence but alot of line sin this jus do not work, or add nothing to the piece...however, i have the same sort of style as you and id say use other poetic techniques so some readers dont feel overwhelmed Overall a decent piece...not your best at all..ive seen better...keep droppin.. :thumbup: IF YA DNT LIKE MA FBAK….SUCK MA DICK…ITS MY OPINION YOU CAN CHOOSE TO LIKE IT OR NOT…..IM JUS YOUR AVERAGE RV HEAD...IM ELEVATING WID YOU...SO I MIGHT NOT GET SHIT THAT U WRITE BUT MEH...EACH PERSON HAS A DIFF RESPONSE AS OF NOW ALL YOUR POSTS MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY A FBAK LINK!!!!! |
your Thread Has Been Closed...leave Fbak And Pm Me A Link To Your Fbak Post Not The Entire Thread...every Time You Up..you Must Provide A Fbak Link
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holy shit.... i liked this poem
^and thats all the feedback u get :evil: |
^lmao.............
more than a line next time fam.... i can freepost yall cant :thumbup: lol |
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