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Want a lyricism break down?
Post one of your best verses and I'll tell you what I think about it and how you could improve your shit..
NO TEXT BATTLES... Just song lyrics.. And I'm warning you, I'll prolly get bored of this within about half an hour.. |
Go to front lines nigga
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Topic was when evil meets good
EVIL evily prevails wit so many names,is it dick,schmuck,cock or penis? but it's all the same,cuz it neva hestitates to stop and beat us when it prances out as if it had feet to attack us like a leech n perpetually scars you vicously by cocksmacking you on your cheek while it may be the key to life,it deserves concern as it's a demon in turn firing and blasting shots rapidly with bullets they call semen or sperm GOOD one force that renders futile to stop the evil mister with the whip which is sometimes also referred to proudly as the sister of the lip milks the dick givin pleasure in order to function as the passageway of life n contrary to it's evil counterpart,it's able to masterbate without fight never bombs the table cuz it remains calm and stable with no bite knowing the fact dat it's like a puppy rolling on it's back, it neva stikes WHEN EVIL MEETS GOOD commences when they get the protection n evil gives the wood an erection n the process itself is a connection descibed by evil givin good an injection evil either gets blowed,pumps on top,or lets good be a bull and she rides conclusion of this act capped off when evil's milked n shoots bullets inside then the excruiating torment comes when 10 pounds comes out this tiny hole while evil neglects it and just searches for some hoe to swing off it's giant pole |
I put peas on my head but dont call me a pea head
I put bees on my head but dont call me a bee head etc This is my show im Fux is Just A Word This is my show Im Smux is must a sword THis is my show im Fux is Just A Word ..........almost too illy i must say |
Me, Myself, or I? Me? Oh I'm just your average kid living life to the fullest, With my family of 3 brothers and 3 sisters, I am the 2nd youngest. My windows are closed and my closet is just neat as can be, I thought that I lived and breathed in the land of the free? My clothes are too big and my bed is falling to the floor, My dog is my alarm clock and beads are my door. War is nothing but old news since fighting between forces is normal, I just stay in my room and look into magazines full of models. My brother waddles into my room, I scream and tell him to leave, I throw something at him but he just continues being naive. I wear low cut shirts and short shorts to blend in with my crowd, I don't listen to the music, I just like to dance and for it to be loud. I hate being here, I wish that I could just go fly out my window, But everyday I just sit here, looking at the same American Express symbol. I am myself, I won't and don't bend to a crowd of strangers, I wear polka dot pants, Yankees shirt, and a hat for the Rangers. It don't mean a thing if it don't got that swing, Diiirty pop, this must be pop. I love Backstreet Boys and Nsync. I listen to people talk about bling and remember the times where nothing mattered, There wasn't "flirting" just saying compliments and saying "I'm flattered". People stare and I act like I don't care, but I do deep inside my chest, What's left of that fire that once burned and gave me a breath. Tattered clothes are fine, I'll wear them if I'm comfortable, I use words like fiddlesticks, vibe, cats, gats, and shizzle. I stay hip the lingo, but I still enjoy my game of bingo, Oh if only people said how the felt maybe the world would be easier to live in, Instead of being stared as if I took back something I had given. I give a little take a little, you push me and I'll push back, I'll listen to your country if you will listen to something I can rap. Backpacks are ok if you are 12 years old and trying to look cool, School is only for those who don't want to end up looking like fools. I live for the moment, that will define my home in Somewhere out where a great city and Rome has been. When something amazing happens in an instant, I act like I missed it and keep on life as I was living it. Sometimes I wish that I could, just go home and cry out, I WANT SOMETHING MORE! But I am not one to shout. I take no risks and my life is kinda boring but I keep on going, Showing people how safe I am and that I can be giving. Living in this world, isn't always for me, Wish they had mentioned love and life, but no one cared to warn me. What do these people have in common? They are all something in you, You do what people say sometimes and sometimes feel like saying fuck you too. There are times people want to be different or want to be safe in their bubble, Rubble all around them, and wish to sing a praise when there's trouble. The key to success is balance, and how to avoid needing to lie, Not making the personalities separate, I mean why.... Do we need to act to please people when really we all try, To live this lie and deny, that in everyone exists a Me, Myself, and I. |
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I seriously havnt clicked on that forum in atleast 4 months.. |
Look at what can happen in a minute. ROFl
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http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pag...m?bandID=208058
word yo..listen to "the Sharks"..somethin i put up there and re-recorded..=D |
well...
if you wanna actually listen to the songs..instead of reading it would be appreciated... www.soundclick.com/youngike Outside Lookin In....and Jasons Lyric......but if u only wanna read...no big deal...i wont cry |
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Ok first thing that comes to mind is that this is way too stretched in most places and isnt flowing well. I can see youve tried to rhyme more than one word at the end of each line, but your doing it sometimes at the expense of what your trying to get accross in the way your wording shit. You need to be a lot more direct and make your multi syllable rhyming more clean. In its currant state I very highly doubt this is a verse that would sound good being rapped to a beat, you would need to frikken be bone thugs or tonedeff if you wanted to pull off that many syllables. Your style is very textee-ish and I think that youll learn better flow once you start realising your gonna have to actually write & rap your verses to a beat and make it good enough for people to enjoy listening to. I think taking your stuff audio will be a big step forward for you as a writer. You should also stop using the dumb topical battle topics or atleast mold it into a concept that would sound good as a song. You prolly got potential, just need to unlock it. So start writing lines that are smaller and more to the point, and work on making your rhyme scheme sound more developed with cleaner multi syllable rhyming. Listen to some old eminem stuff (slim shady LP & marshal mathers LP) and try to emulate a comical style kind of like that because I think thats probably the way your mind is geared lyrically judging by your verse written above. In closing, you need a lot of work.. But being dope will be achievable to you as long as you work your ass off and elevate to an impressive level. |
Try and apply this sunshine but July is cloudy,
Though I stay flying as high as the skies allow me, Liking the vibe, showing how much heart does it take, To catch a glimpse of Elysium and a sparkling lake, Marketing this? Nah... I'm just harnessing fate, My writing arm doesn't break when i'm arcing my fist, Dreams chasing me, when my presence starts to exsist, Just an untold story of the shark and the fish, Fate lyes in the hands of only those who grasp it, Passion burning like a phoenix, I rose from ashes, Rocking the landscape as soon as the boulder crashes, Lose the flame? I'm everlasting when i'm holdin matches, A mosaic? Nah, my lyrics are in appropriate places, Its nature to me, spanning from the coast to the acres, Potions with vapors, floating up, misting, beleive, An ocean of haters, and were just the little fish in the sea... Just grabbed a random verse. |
2nd verse frum my song "Tha Koolest Guy Around" str8 G shit on a mafuckin gangsta lean :cool:
1988, tha docter shouldve KILLED THA FETUS
but he didnt so here i am wif 9MM's buck! buck! now ya blud iz gonna SPILL IN LETERS and i hope it duzznt splatter on my ILL ADIDAS i go aratatatat unTILL MY HEATERS run all outta bullets. cuz i FILL YA BEATERS full of holes. now ima DROP sum SIENCE ya neva gunna hear me sayin STOP tha VIOLENCE cuz wen i shoot a stupid muthaphukkin PIG BLOOD'LL come out of hiz hed, and make a BIG PUDDLE how many muthaphukkin guns i OWN IZ IRRELEVENT street smart, in skool im not KNOWN FO INTELLIGENTS and if ya really piss me off, im GON GIT A ELEPHANT n make him walk on u n break all of tha BONES IN YA SKELETON see, anythang can b a weapon, even a BROKEN CUP slit yo throat wit tha glass n then im LOCIN UP muthaphukkin werd |
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Big problem from the very start, the way you have worded a lot of your lines is very simple and almost as if your writing a childrens story with rhymes. This is your main problem.. I think that you have probably been doing a lot of internet topical battles, which is making your writing techniques for raps fall off big time.. I noticed your flow gets choppy aswell at some points and needs to develop more before youll be able to make good sounding rap tracks. Same thing as the dude before you with the rhymes, a lot of your stuff uses very simple and small doses of multi syllable rhyming and wouldnt really compete if you were compared to someone who can put together really good strings of multis. If this is some of the best stuff your style is producing at the moment, I think youll need to elevate before you can step up and make music that will have any hope of selling. You have a hard style to critique lyrically because like the dude before you these are topical battle verses and dont really compare to the content of a song.... What you need to work on though, is making your lyrics sound more mature and better developed.. You need to get a good sense of rhythem and work with better matched syllable counts or timing in your lines.. Thats something rapping and writing to a beat more often will help you with 10 fold.. In closing.. You probably have potential aswell, but you just seem to have the wrong idea of how to make an entertaining or properly thought provoking peice at the moment. Which is basically being held back by the way you approach subjects in this story type manor.. You also told the reader what cloathes you were wearing a few too many times like that really effected your story.. |
excersion in a word perversion in a herb so drunk we serving in reverse
new curse with a positive twist stay wise so we abolish the risk my knowledge is thick virtually literally never learnt off literaccy so critisize me but if this guy be in a position i see a desicions likley to imprison my glee im precision ryming but it isnt my scene to be given hydings in a minute ill be so legit but moneys allways running out of my life im doubting my strife could reverse me cause im going forward like im converting reverse's pushing life to the edge like im swerving curse's lyrical outburts making you shiver no mistaking i deliver at the point of perfection sending your mind diffrent directions like thoughts intersections ^^ keyd |
trapped in a deranged realm, no one can ever describe
where pain overwhelms, lifes hard-pressed to survive possessed with lies, depressed i cry tears of doubt suppressed by my eyes, empty echoes, no one hears you shout all life is about to collapse, happiness turns to pain perhaps never feelin its warmth again, memories burn your brain crazy or sane? my consciousness is encaged by steel a manufactured illusion, yet my body is made to feel and its all too real, suffering slowly erodes my sanity fall to a kneel, comforting words explode to profanity how can it be, i kept it innocent, avoiding all crime betrayed by my thoughts, my content destroyed in time devoid of any signs, hope created just to taunt my existence swallowed by dark, followed my heart, never thought to resist it troubled from the start, but could never ask for assistance so the feelings of hate and confinement contiually persisted until i believed it was true, my soul caught and contained never thought or complained, but it cant be bought or regained someone ought to explain what to do, life isn't a game i lost myself, mind caved through...ended it with a shot to the brain i was detained in a world that was created from dreams where pain would curl around any reflecton that gleamed every breath taken it seemed always deflated with screams and the only form of help offered, was just outdated regimes its far more extreme, madness had infected my cognition never to be free again, my sanity had selected ignition death infested my vision, if only you saw it through my eyes my mind was a prision...... and the only escape was suicide ^ a while back a did that, i enjoy reading it.... or else this....http://community.rapverse.com/showt...661#post2347661 |
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I've said in the past I like your shit.. You got a style that can and will sell as long as you put your mind to it and make sure you promote ya image right and make yourself an interesting enough person to create hype around your raps that out-classes other rappers with your skill level. Cause although you have a nice style on the mic, there are a lot of rappers out there that are as good as you and on the same type of lyrics as you. Thats why its going to be harder for you to get past their level which is basically a large majority in the rap industry. How you play your cards in business, marketing & promotion will be the decider and basically make you or break you. But even if your stuff doesent catch on to big time, youll always be able to hold a good respected place in the underground scene provided you stick with rap and be serious about it as a career choice. Lyrically your pretty well developed, I aint heard many lines from you that I would think are out of place or on some weird different shit.. You dont go overboard with the multi syllable rhyming or anything, but your delivery is something that doesent need all that to do the job.. You got a good recording voice.. But like I said, always plan your moves and keep elevating.. But your currantly at the level where you should be doing heavy promotion in your local area and starting up a fan base that you can fall back on while your planning your next stage of attack. Keep it real.. |
U fuckin skipped me homo....... :shoot:
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It was a child's story kind sort of. That was the reason I made it simple, thanks though.
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lol iunno, ia in't do many topicals yet. :( gotta start soon. So i guess jus this verse from this collab i'm doin' wit Trip and SenseR on Trade it all pt. 2 beat.
Now everytime I look at you, girl, I'm always mesmerized From your breast to your thighs, yes, you got the best of eyes You're always despised, by the other girls, why? You're so fly, you could make a pimp guy to be shy I can try to deny, but you gotta spell on me I won't lie, yes, you're my, type of girl, come yell at me It be my dream, see, if "I love you", you're tellin' me Cuz the way you stole my heart, girl, it could be a felony Now... girl, you kno that I'll always treat you right For the rest of my life, I'd love to great you as my wife Everynight, it's a fight, losin' you is far on mind Cuz a gem like you, in this field, was hard to find ...In my eyes, you're my Queen, hope you kno that No girl is on your level, or the one below that You're a gift from above, you're the best see Cuz everytime I look "atchuu"... god blessed me props in advance for the time. :cool: |
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First impression, you sound young on the mic. You can pull off your flow to an extent but so many rappers are on that skill level and above so it just doesent add anything origional or new to rap other than whats already out there. Lyrics were actually a decent story track on the top one that I'm listening to. But you need to up your game on hooks big time.. If your 19, you need to stop sounding like a 16 year old on tape.. Dont do those angry parts of your lyrics as much where you almost try to growl the words aswell, cause it dont sound that good with your voice.. Lyrically you seem to be able to hold your own but you arnt making anything spectacular and your flow isnt working to cover up your problems on the lyrical side either.. I am willing to bet you listen to a lot of eminem and some wutang.. Try to scrap your currant style of delivery a bit and change it to something that sounds more professional and less underground young internet rapper.. Also dont talk at the end of a track unless you got something really smart and profound to say, its a bad idea to say "a lot of people wont get this concept, its like I'm telling the story of this man, blah blah blah then it ends up being my story blah blah blah you may think I'm weird for writing this blah blah" That adds nothing lyrically or musically to your track and will make people go .........wtf....... Also man.. You sometimes sort of have some lines that sound weird or wrong.. Like when you said "he got raped by inmates and prison guards too"... Which is just .....stupid since prison guards can go get pussy why would they want to rape a man.. Not to mention its a pretty gay thing to talk about on a track.. In closing, you got problems you need to address before you start trying to make any moves in rap as a career but your best to make it quick elevation if your already 19, being young dont last forever. |
I told you I'd get bored of this pretty quick.. I'ma take a break and maybe do more later.. And fux, I refuse to critique lyrics bittin off that dumb kid's show..
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o heyall naw mafucka, i know u aint just gon stop tellin people bout they verses without doin mine :(
werd |
*waits for nos to take a look at my effortless key*
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Whenever you find time...
When the revolution comes... As a devil's pact, claim it as a fact and don't even ask Putting up an act behind a mask when it's their own task Chosen those routes with true music as forbidden fruits Armani suits, scared to bring hip hop back to its roots Dwelling on fame, focused on making name in the game Isn't it a shame what became of passion they claimed? So the amount of guns does not define you as an artist Because it's not about who the toughest or the hardest Expressing depths of your soul, making yourself a whole Don't play role, be the one in control and reach your goal When the revolution comes... Trusting upon a higher power as the world turns so sour In society’s darkest hour bombs keep dropping to devour Innocent lives, soldiers fight away from children and wives Hearts filled with strife, nuclear weapons, no more knives Killing on command with blood of brothers on their hands No time to demand as they lose souls in no man’s lands Fighting in high disbelief while stealing lives as mere thief With no place for grief, only hear strong orders of a chief Thousand dreams left undone, silenced by sound of guns No more daughter or son, mothers weep more than once When the revolution comes… Gone is compassion, only interested in cash and fashion Bash and slash em, just hatred, no more love or passion Even when the tide gets high with no more room to hide They never swallow their pride and switch to another side Powerful powders stashed: a big fish they’re out to catch Sex and no strings attached as some things never match Erupting fights between red and blue or black and white That fill us with fright as we witness such an awful sight Too blinded by the color of a skin to notice what’s within When in life we seem to begin completely free of any sin They always say to be patient …When the revolution comes… …Everything will be different… I don’t want to wait anymore |
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there, thought id fix it up a bit fo u, no need 2 thank me, im always here 2 lent a helping hand werd |
Choir boy tellin the preacher how to preach.
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Posted to get some constructive feedback, not for some bullshit from superficial low-life assholes. |
^kolby will kill your dog for that remark
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$20 says I'll never get around to doing any more..
Maybe if I had nothing better to do... But unfortunatly... I do.. :( |
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dotn lie, you have no other life but RV |
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yo you got beef with dq.......... |
wat do you have to do nostra??
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I'm writing a cd..
Shit has to be done asap so I can start promoting on the radio and ofcourse those two big big buzz words... ...get signed.. |
Id get signed but I dont have a mic :(
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shut up herb . |
^^^lol @ you talkin to yourself.....if it is really you lol
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of course its me. shut up Ass cred
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shut up insect . |
^^^lol why you arguing wit yourself haha
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*crawls away *
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