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The Jigsaw's Mirage
... I stand surrounded & hounded with peers I've known for years ... But each day I wander home to my Grandmother's unyeilding tears I shovel my fears so I can inhale the stale poisen from my boy's an' ... Uphold my riddled poise above the clouds of toxic ridden joy's ... ... I choose to ignore family & embrace the falsity that follows me ... ... But my path of abstract fata morgana hallows me till I'm distrait ... One night in mid November I can remember walking through the den ... Stalking my talking guardians in this hovel terminous I reside in ... Upon there departure I see my dying grandfather abeyant in a chair ... Undoubtedly unaware of me gazing seemingly without care ... I see it again, as I've seen before, that puzzle labeled on the table ... ... One look before I go out again to persue my nightly technique ... ... As I get closer and slightly squeeze tightly and drop to my knees ... ... I gazed altogether dazed in that puzzle's keenly lit median ... ... verily what I saw was Lucifer's time peice & me meeting him ... That night I went out hastily, shaken. Was I mistaken, was that Satan? ... I've conquered obstacles with opticle you could never fathom or guess ... Head held high I stride ahead leading a life of alleged moral ambiguity, stress Fluently deciphering all of the Pi Piper's crucial entirety seemingly introduced ... As I perish in torment from the torrent of clues the Jigsaw's Mirage produced. |
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ok like i said in ur battle u idiot lmao
good flow mad mutis loving it sooo much better than his verse was u were jsut re tarted lol everythings good i think its hall of fame material lol |
see i told you to post this shit..man im loving this i already told you why
10/10 |
Defeat cats with street stats got paved rhymes and brave
Lines my pride talk solid like sidewalks I try behave Good raised in the hood, best to tiptoe when my script Flow don’t awaken the flavor and girl get naked so strip Propelled and driven flow well and living good trained To compete with the lame on streets brain stay peeked with flames And heat huff and puff like dragons put stuff in wagons And cart it off this art not soft has a tendency leave cats lagging behind |
the flow was good... good use of rhyming tactics... that would make a good song, if flowed corectly... well... if the right emotion was put into it... 10/10... keep up the good work mane... holla
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Thanks for the feed, Uppin'.
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extremely impressed.................vocab was good, and wordchoice was on point
not much to say but damn good piece i'll nominate it but Drama Queens already got'n mines................overall 9/10 |
Excellent piece, high level of complexity in it as well. Your vocabulary was dead on in fact. Overall pace needs some work though, some lines were bit stretched you know but that's no big deal basically. The emotion was definitely there, no doubt bout it. You wrote it as if you were writing something for a novel or short story in my opinion. I loved it, the imagery was intruiging as well.
Props |
Thanks multie & DQ :)
I'll rtf so don't delete your feeds in 24hrs like some people! :p |
Stop sleeping fucks... uppin'
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buuuuuuuummmmpp
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stop slwwping i will return the favor while mentalz is gone
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Word homie this was ahot i was really feeling it structure was good but i think you really didnt have to make the font size smaller...You had nice wordplay and vocab , it really did impress but it could have been better at times , but i liked it you had nice emotions and good imagery ..i was really feeling it nice job mentalz..keep it up
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hey gladbag, would you gladly stop free posting, anyways good job mentals had flow and emotion...keep droppin
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Uppin' for a few more feeds.. This piece shoudlnt be getting slept on.
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wow is the only way i can put this
you had excellent imagery and emotion...best ive seen in a while...even though you wrote for a wrong topic still managed to come wit a ill verse....nice structure and flow..this was an overall top piece...not that long but quite entertaining dawg...keep this shit up....9.9/10...woulda been better if you sticked to the topic I GAVE LOL |
rofl, I agree man. Thanks for the feed. :)
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multis are solid, emotion is thick. nice over all peice.
bit of crit take time to go back thru your peice and use descriptive words or adjective's at the start of lines for instance... gracefully stand surrounded & hounded with peers I've known for years ... awkwardlly each day I wander home to my Grandmother's unyeilding tears emtionally shovel my fears so I can inhale the stale poisen from my boy's an' ... Uphold my riddled poise above the clouds of toxic ridden joy's ... The words I have used my not fir into the peice,cuase im unsure of your thoughts while writing it, but replacing words like I with a emotion or action can up the level of your writting instantly. I notice you did start to do it thru out, but alot more thought and time into your peices and they will be dope rtf in my latest open mic near the top somewere. peace. |
Finally, a nice drop. Flowed well, and it seemed to feel the emotion off this. Descriptive language was present, and I liked the plot of this, and the complexity was a nice change. Your opener to me was the best part, props.
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Thanks for the feeds guys, appreciate it.
Hittin' up some of your work in return. Uppin. |
Uppin' for the last time .. appreciate the attention thus far.
Will RTF. Peace. |
Sup Mental this was a nice drop fams,.. I like the structure u used coz
I feel it make the verse easy to read and makes it flow a lot better. multis was well nice, with some really nice emotion, this was a proper decent verse. Stay up fams 1~ |
o.k first off feedback is meant to help someone elevate so look for the small problems so someone can reach perfection.hence why i always give honest feedback.this was good above averge even but a 10/10?no no and no to see examples of a 10/10 check out invisions work.anyways vocab is good but overdone it loses the reader and therefore makes it difficult to follow along.with vocab its tricky you gotta make that balance just right try to concentrate less on big words and more on imagery.the big words seemed forced and also hurt your syllabel count making this a decent poetry drop but something that would never flow correctly to a beat.overall this was like i said above averge by rv standards and preety much a well thought out piece.i personally enjoyed it but feel it needs a little more work before being completed.try lenghthing it as well for a more overall factor to draw the reader into it.
6.5/10 |
Thanks Cali ;) I appreciate it alot. I tend to not change my pieces once i've "finished" them, however, I will take your help into my next pieces. Thanks again fams. ;)
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One thing i've always wondered... how is "vocab" judged? I mean. theres not very many words in this piece I DONT use in a normal conversation. It seems to me some people have broader expanses of vocab that they use; are use to using and find it natural to incorporate it in there work. Not my fault 3rd grade drop outs have to buy a dictionary (not dissin anyone by any means).
Cali, I got about 1/2 threw My Nation, owever im tired as shit im going to crit tomarrow. Peace. |
To me good vocab is when u use really unusal words, and like CALI said a lot
of people seem to think that good vocab is a use of big words I dont think thats the case, It just kills your flow. Use unusal words in place of something perdictable, try using a Thesaurus to build up your vocab, but just make sure u use the right words a the right time I have seen lads of people attempt to do this but use the wrong word. Hope this helps stay up Ment 1~ |
^word exactly how i wouldve put it here.not big words just unexpected words its called symantics.it greatly improves your work in all aspects once mastered.
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i enjoyed the first couple para's, but like cali said
your vocab was a little excessive at points, sa'll good thou, for the most part i was impressed....good job mentalz keep it up.... |
ILL like the planet Andromeda but my romantic thermometer need
Calibrations, flow grace rhymes a showcase a barometer’s creed Proper like a doctor I prescribe drugs, see jive scrubs but from A tribe of thugs just shot five slugs and still had to run in the slums Gunplay every Sunday true church is too much have to preach To reach cats, heart all broken but like a small token on streets With a donation in this flow situation like a baby awoken from sleep Look in my bill fold ill and bold then pay whack rent after sacrament Some cats sad and very phony like a bad ceremony your facts are bent |
uppin..................
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Damn, that piece was ill. The flow was perfect. As soon as i read the first two lines talking about your grandma's tears, i was hooked and decided to read the rest. The rhyming was very well put with good places of vocabulary. The structure made it easy to read. Hopin to see more from you....10-10
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Thanks for all the feedback fellas. Was hopin' for a nomination, but who doesnt? Appreciate it though, none the less.
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Uppin' the Piece. Thanks for the feed.
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Last time i'm uppin' this, just want to give it a chance to be seen again.
All Feed will get returned & if you need feed on something PM me & i'lltake some time to do it. Peace. |
New link to feed for bumping threads: http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2607331
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ok i'll take the time out of my day to do this :p.
This piece was very good.. very intriguing and complex. Your vocabulary was marvelous man. Very complex, maybe a bit to much for some but this was a good topic to have complexity with. Your imagery and emotion.. ahh the imagery. Very descriptive here man. Good mental picture running thourgh during this whole piece. Your emotion was heart felt.... Not as big on the emotion here as i was the imagery but I felt it. Your structure was on point and almost faultless.. Anything I left out.. sorry... good piece and keep writing homey.. |
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most people can judge vocab because they don't understand it, so anything that appears in anyway intelligent, its immediately 'over-vocabbing'....but the way i judge vocab, is consistency, and diversity...i like to read pieces where people have an expanded vocab and really have a handle on it...i.e you, daz, atticus...like most people try and use expanded vocab, but end up just rhyming it at the end, and then everything else is simplistic......you are a good writer, knowledgable, and vocab is one of your strong points because you have to ability to describe your story with specific and appropriate wording....which is good, and also a good talent to have.... its one of my peeves on this site where people say "lay back on the vocab, dude", because how are you suppose to say that....that's like asking, "hey, next time you write, take off a few points of intelligence, so everyone else can understand", it doesn't make sense thats why i want to be the second mod of this forum, because i'm active everyday, and if i was mod, i'd be mostly in here, giving pointers, leaving feedback on pretty much everything, but apparantly bonecollector is doing a heck of a job running this thing, :rolleyes:.... yeah, thats my random rant, i thought i'd just go on about something cause i'm bored, and this is a good piece, wasn't it a battle you had? dopenesss keep up |
Uppin the old b/c the new sucks.
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ahh nice piece friend...
flow was pretty nice lines were even length structure was easy to understand your emotion was pretty dam nice.. pleasant and kept my interest... favorite part: Upon there departure I see my dying grandfather abeyant in a chair ... Undoubtedly unaware of me gazing seemingly without care ... I see it again, as I've seen before, that puzzle labeled on the table ... ... One look before I go out again to persue my nightly technique ... ^nice....feelin this...kinda clicked imo `1 |
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