LBL Elevation Thread
 

This thread is for elevation purposes

If you would like some critique of your work, post it in here and the elevation experts (me, Nick Fletcher, Appocolyptik and N. Tavarez) will try to help you. N. Tavarez is around from Monday to Friday and the rest of us should be around all week.

You may post in here stuff you post in the cypher, in battles on other sites, or your battles from this league. However, please do not post your verse for this league until it has already been posted, I don't want to write a verse for you which you will actually be using.

Really post anything in here that you want if you need elevation.

Hope this helps!

DTH Already Helped Me But Here...

Remis a pussy, To handle ur beef, u run for the bat, kid
i tryed diggin up ur ways of fighting,
. . . n` ended up with the name in ya wack sig
Plus ya fat bitch,
most men love ur looks, so ya mackin` skills surpass me
cuz even all the girls yell Oh remis!! - so fuckin` nasty
N` im dope with the swag, and my rhymin is bar none
But how u spose to be fly - when you cant even scar one
I'm makin` hit tracks on thursdays, while ur drinkin by the bar
but its cuz ur cd`s already good - for playin` frisby out the car
You get excited over christmas, u got spirit 'round ya place
but if i EVER see your presence - im`a bash u in ya face

Me VS Mayhem a couple weeks ago

Trus, Fletch, Tav, Appoc.

Feel free to Show better ways to word whatever


Wonder why he can’t get pussy? The game he speaks is wasteful
Women will never get to May as if they all became extinct in April
Pass me a pillow before his verse cause when this creep do it?
His text is a K-Fed Concert, we’ll probably sleep though it...
..,And even HE knew it, thinking I’m fake and can’t Spit Ether?
Mayhem’ll get “Beat to death” Like he lost a foot race to the Grim Reaper
I’ll cut his Opinions off, the ones he got is hopeless
But I will give him the floor, That’ll be easy when I knock him on it
Him in this league is laughable I’ve never killed more gayer
He should be `Russian Da signout like a Soviet Billboard maker

Wonder why he can’t get pussy? The game he speaks is wasteful
Women will never get to May as if they all became extinct in April
THE SET UP IS COOL, THE CONCEPT IS VISIBLE AND MAKES SENSE
BUT THE WORDING IN THE 2ND LINE TAKES AWAY FROM IT
"Women will never get to May as if they all " <--THAT SECTION YOU JUST GOTTA FIND A WAY TO WROD IT SO THAT IT FLOOOWS INTO THE PUNCHLINE BETTER

Pass me a pillow before his verse cause when this creep do it?
His text is a K-Fed Concert, we’ll probably sleep though it...
THIS RIGHT HERE IS A KFED CONCEPT THAT UNLESS YOU GOT A NICE FLIP OR KILLER PUNCHLINE IS BETTER LEFT UNUSED
..,And even HE knew it, thinking I’m fake and can’t Spit Ether?
Mayhem’ll get “Beat to death” Like he lost a foot race to the Grim Reaper
LOSE THE "'S"----IF THEY CANT GET IT STRAIGHT UP DONT USE IT
ALSO THE SET UP IS IRRELEVANT TO THE BAR HERE
I’ll cut his Opinions off, the ones he got is hopeless
But I will give him the floor, That’ll be easy when I knock him on it
HOPELESS AND ON IT ONLY RHYMES DEPENDING ON WHAT ACCENT YOU HAVE, AND BECAUSE OF THAT, THIS BAR DOESNT DELIVER LIKE IT WOULD, PLUS THE SECOND HALF OF LINE 2 NEEDS REWORDING TO MAKE THIS PUNCH EFFECTIVE TO THE MAXXXXX
Him in this league is laughable I’ve never killed more gayer
He should be `Russian Da signout like a Soviet Billboard maker
I ACTUALLY LIKE THE CONCEPT OF THIS ONE QUITE FINE
THE DELIVERY IS OK BUT THE SPELLING MAYBE? IS OFF
OR MAYBE THATS HOW YOU INTENDED IT

OVERAL YOU GOTTA JUST WORK ON WORDING YOUR SECOND LINE SO THAT IT HITS MORE FLUENTLY, LIKE JOHN HENSLEY SAYS....WORD IT LIKE YOUR SAYING IT TO YOURSELF OUT LOUD
HOPE THIS HELPS
THAT VERSE WASNT BAD ACTUALLY AND THE CLOSER I LIKED IT

Wonder why he can’t get pussy? The game he speaks is wasteful
Women will never get to May as if they all became extinct in April
The concept here against Mayhem is cool... yea it wasn't worded well tho. Basically, u took the easy way out and thought of the most obvious concept... so, what you should have done is brainstorm a listing of things that have to do with may, april, the months before... until u get something good.. I can't think of anything dope on the concept, but maybe a punchline like "Anyone women claimin' to get to May is just an April Fools Joke".. I dunno, just think of more ideas, thats all
Pass me a pillow before his verse cause when this creep do it?
His text is a K-Fed Concert, we’ll probably sleep though it...
comparison punches like this.. if ur gonna do them, they gotta be funnier. This comparison really wasn't that funny so just be more imaginative when brainstorming things u sleep through
..,And even HE knew it, thinking I’m fake and can’t Spit Ether?
Mayhem’ll get “Beat to death” Like he lost a foot race to the Grim Reaper
okay, kinda funny, but this was like REAL corny... don't use quotes, they look newbish like this. The main problem with this bar though is that its not even really a punch. Your just making a statement that he'll get beat to death, but no real punchline in it... i'm just not personally a fan of violence/thread type punches, I feel they are kinda indirect so avoid them
I’ll cut his Opinions off, the ones he got is hopeless
But I will give him the floor, That’ll be easy when I knock him on it
the setup really killed this punch cuz you really didn't lead well into the "i'll givve him the floor" thing......setup should been more like "i'll give u a chance to spit ur wack shit... i'll give u the floor...." that kinda thing u know? Even so though, this shit is kinda too simple
Him in this league is laughable I’ve never killed more gayer
He should be `Russian Da signout like a Soviet Billboard maker
Russian shit is played..... really no way to word or make this better, its played regardless. My best advice for this type of thing would be to read more verses. Read as many verses as you can, especially from good writers, and just see what's been done before so you have a better idea what not to use

Overall, verse was just a bit too simple, get ur creative juices flowing. Also, try to dig up personals cuz personals/nameplays that haven't been used are always better than generics. Sorry I couldn't reword much of ur shit, not in that type of mood, but hope that helps.

Wonder why he can’t get pussy? The game he speaks is wasteful
Women will never get to May as if they all became extinct in April
REWORDED
This guy gets no pussy. Why? Well, the game he speaks is wasteful
But the real reason May never gets women is coz his fucking looks killed them all in April.

The difference in the wording makes it a stronger punch. And I see you like to keep a tight structure, but don't worry if a word or two drop onto a third line, so long as it flows well. But you see, with your wording the punchline simply says women never get to Mayhem, and to back that you say its like they all became extinct in April. That in itself is a nice concept, but the way I worded it, it has it coming across that he gets no women because his ugly ass looks killed them all in April. Same concept, but with different wording you can put more of a punch to it.

Pass me a pillow before his verse cause when this creep do it?
His text is a K-Fed Concert, we’ll probably sleep though it...
REWORDED
I got my pillow ready 'coz when M's verse is due
He drops bars like a K-Fed Concert even Britney'll be sleepin through

Now, the way you worded it had a choppy flow to it. First off in the setup you end with a question mark and you are not even asking a question. And in the punchline the comma and how you end it makes it come off choppy. It should look how you would actually say it, it should just flow off the tongue easily.

..,And even HE knew it, thinking I’m fake and can’t Spit Ether?
Mayhem’ll get “Beat to death” Like he lost a foot race to the Grim Reaper
REWORDED
Mayhem sucks at text and me I'm packed with sickness
But he'll still beat me to death 'coz my fists'll send him there in double the quickness

Again, your first mistake was ending the setup with a question mark, and then you used speechmarks to force the Beat To Death concept of the punch. And the last mistake was the word "LIKE"... those types of punches are played and only work if you can really make them raw as hell. Also, beat to death like he lost a foot race is kind of too simple. I reworded it to give the punch better flow and flipped the concept entirely. Saying he'll beat me to death and that my fists will send him there... thats a type of punch where it seems like you're giving the dude props and then you flip it on him. I find that they work well in battles, so long as you don't over use them.

I’ll cut his Opinions off, the ones he got is hopeless
But I will give him the floor, That’ll be easy when I knock him on it
REWORDED
Your opinions are pointless, you'll agree with me if ure honest
Even still, you can take the floor when I lay your ass out on it

This concept is pretty played, and it only really works if you make it simple and to the point. Your gonna lay him out, don't sugarcoat it or anything. The way you worded it though, I've found a recurring theme of using commas in places when it is not necessary. Just scrap the commas, tweak a couple of words and your punches will come off sounding a lot better.

Him in this league is laughable I’ve never killed more gayer
He should be `Russian Da signout like a Soviet Billboard maker
REWORDED
Seeing him in this league is funny coz I've never killed more gayer
But my punches'll be havin' him russian da signout faster than a soviet billboard maker

This was a decent punch, you dropped a little apostrophe at the front of the Russian Da signout which may come across as a forcing tactic. Try to refrain from any speechmarks and apostrophes and any symbols unless they are absolutely necessary. Also, with your setup, the way you worded it was choppy and if you kept it that way, you would need a comma after the word laughable. Try adding a word in between just to link the line together for a nice flow. Also, refrain from the "LIKE" punches like I said. Just trying thinking of a different word like I replaced "like" with "faster than".


Overall, your verse has dope concepts but your wording is always choppy. You need to stop using commas and try throwing in a word to link the line up for the nice flow. Also, those played concepts I pointed out, try to refrain from using them. If you look over some battles you may get an idea of whats been done and what hasn't. Try not to use any "LIKE" punches because they really are gay unless worded to perfection. Also, with punches like when you are saying you are gonna knock someone out, ie-the floor line... you need to be fast and to the point. Be as brutal with your wording as you can be, it gives it a better affect. Also, after you've got a punch done, look it over and see if there are any additions or tweaks you can make to have it come across as more of a punch/personal... kinda like I did with the first bar.

Anyway, there are multiple ways how you can word punches.. and I don't presume to think that my ways are the best. I've just shown you a basic idea of what you are doing wrong and how you can improve.

Hope it helps.

This is Shiest.

This nigga gotta be clueless...
I can C-Rap Disciple lickin' ass...makin' home improvements
He doesn't know, I'm not just an opponent
I bring war, chaos, corruption to leave him boneless...
So keep talking that bullshit...
The Glock leaves Disciples fucked...Like a Messiah Crucifix...
Chugging that dick - running that pipe - grinding that shit
smoking that white, He gots to be fucked...
Just try to insult me...I'll leave your face brewed in Shit like Civet Coffee*
I battle Masters - not no fucking Disciple
Defeating you - brings to no gain to my title...Here's the snub faggit...
Read between the Brackets (YOUR SHIT)
The only time your gettin' cover is when your under the matress...
To rapverse your useless - I'll quit if I lose this
Your Flow clouts like blood - Your last battle ripped Tulips
-This clown will get bucked!-
Please deliver the message, I'll leave you hung high like Judas
Cause of your snitching movements....
~Take time, I proved this chump is worthless~
~A rapper without a purpose~
~You couldn't diss me twice, If Jesus spat 16 verses~

This is a verse I did on mayhem but he didn't show so I couldn't get no feed on it.


yo,
I can see its 0-0 on scale, But we are not evenly matched, jerk
'Coz your known for elevatin the weight--->along with snoozes from your last verse
And dawg, this kid brings gifts to a battle, man I must be dreamin
'Coz I get a big W for Christmas ...and all I May'hem, was a casket to sleep in
This bastard is leakin, he should follow the light and stair way...Repeatedly
S'what most folks do when they see 'Mayhem, they ^------^ Immediately
You'v never defeated me, Even in you dreams where things happends
'Coz I'll crunch this flake into the sea---> or till his face is Capt'n'
So how's it feel to be eaten alive in a verse, 'coz this's your last bout
'Coz like Butler, I aint drop in ranking ...I just stayed back after 5 to toss some of the trash out

^^^ I know it is, I have lots of dope ideas for this league. I agree, Nick's way was pretty dope... I'm not gonna do that here, but in the future i prolly will

I can see its 0-0 on scale, But we are not evenly matched, jerk
'Coz your known for elevatin the weight--->along with snoozes from your last verse
This concept just didn't work... the idea of scales weights/waits just seemed a bit of a stretch and not really hard hitting... there isn't really a way I could work this same idea dopely. However, if I were to do this same idea, I prolly woulda made the punchline like "Ur known for liftin' weights...that always fail during Crunch time".. or relate some other excercise into it.. i dunno, not much to work with here
And dawg, this kid brings gifts to a battle, man I must be dreamin
'Coz I get a big W for Christmas ...and all I May'hem, was a casket to sleep in
Concept here is cool, but too basic and not even really a punch.. like say just the punchline to yourself and ask "would this offend me?" In this case, not at all. I woulda done this bar something like this"
Just surrender, for christmas my girl sent me a letter
N' said She May'Hem.. is just a discription of ur gender
This bastard is leakin, he should follow the light and stair way...Repeatedly
S'what most folks do when they see 'Mayhem, they ^------^ Immediately
I honestly don't understand this line... light and stair repeadetly? I get the stare/stair thing, but I don't get how it relates or what you were going for. Since I don't really know I can't help you much but say this wasn't worded well lol
You'v never defeated me, Even in you dreams where things happends
'Coz I'll crunch this flake into the sea---> or till his face is Capt'n'
concept here is pretty fresh so good shit with that. I don't like the setup here since its really not related at all so work on fixing the relationship... this wasn't bad tho, could be worded better as its very indirect. The way u went with this is okay, but I woulda went with the flake wordplay.. maybe something lke this:
Always runnin' from good rappers so I'll slap this chump
U fuckin' Flake so much, ur face looks like it was Capt n' Crunch'd
So how's it feel to be eaten alive in a verse, 'coz this's your last bout
'Coz like Butler, I aint drop in ranking ...I just stayed back after 5 to toss some of the trash out
i hate when people conclude like this.. with one of those "i just destroyed you" type punches.. dude, this isn't a fuckin' novel, u don't need a "conclusion" that sums shit up. Basically write out all your punches, then spread out your best ones.. make sure ur closer and opener are one of ur better ones... i can't reword this really, I don't think it coulda been good

May'hem and Capt Crunch shit were cool, the rest I wasn't feelin'... hope that helps dawg

^ thanks a lot DTH...on the "follow the light and stair way repeatedly" I ment it as a different way of saying that you shoud die, repeatedly. I really did kinda lose steam on the last line. Iv really de-elivated a lot because I was out for a long time. 85% of you your suggestions where good and I liked the Capt n' Crunch'd line you made. Good shit fam.

^ Wtf at qualifying yourself to him Tav. Who gives a fuck if people don't rap on a mic, fuck I hate people who come in text forums with that shit.

Anyway, Final.:

Remis a pussy, To handle ur beef, u run for the bat, kid
i tryed diggin up ur ways of fighting,
. . . n` ended up with the name in ya wack sig
I can't see his sig so this means nothing to me. Sig punches ain't usually all that though, and this seems pretty simple

Plus ya fat bitch,
most men love ur looks, so ya mackin` skills surpass me
cuz even all the girls yell Oh remis!! - so fuckin` nasty
This flat out don't work. These type of punches have been used a lot before, the type that are basically saying "you're so good...not". Not feeling this

N` im dope with the swag, and my rhymin is bar none
But how u spose to be fly - when you cant even scar one
This is played as well, nice wording though. But yeah, stay away from any type of fly punches unless you can flip it really really fresh.

I'm makin` hit tracks on thursdays, while ur drinkin by the bar
but its cuz ur cd`s already good - for playin` frisby out the car
Played again. Basically, if something is really obvious then don't use it. Your wording is pretty cool though, if you could get fresh concepts you'd be pretty good

You get excited over christmas, u got spirit 'round ya place
but if i EVER see your presence - im`a bash u in ya face
Prob the best punch of the verse. Presence-Presents wordplay is pretty played though, but the fact that it's Christmas probably redeems it a bit.

You've got good wording, but your concepts are just really played and old. Try and find someone to hit up on AIM before you post verses, and ask them if they like your bars. Preferrably someone who's been around for a little while, as you're main problem is played bars and a new person can't sort that out.

Let me say one thing...

One of the major mistakes newer heads make is playing off of a concept more than dissing their opponent. For example, in the beat to death line some kid posted in here:

.,And even HE knew it, thinking I’m fake and can’t Spit Ether?
Mayhem’ll get “Beat to death” Like he lost a foot race to the Grim Reaper

Whoever wrote this was focusing too much on how to use the phrase "beat to death" PERIOD -- and not nearly enough on how to use the phrase to diss his opponent. Basically, he tried to "validate" the phrase with the second part of the punch "like he lost a foot race to the grim reaper", which resulted in the diss being almost nonexistant.

word its good to get a bunch of other peoples advice
especially for noobs cuz you dont want to absorb only one persons opinions

Tef really opened my eyes to relize things that i restlessly doubted
He showed me theres more to losing - theres crying n questionin about it
But dont worry, your gettin` better dood, your earnin` your place
as the guy in the league that gets whored by every decent textcee u face
N` ur verse is a waste, all the stuff you drop is gettin more and more played
So fuck the dumbshit - and no tef, that doesnt mean you`re getting laid
I`m a good cook, step back virgin or i`ll be forced to bake ya, fag
But in order to make T ef - u need 3 kegs of beer, some vodka n` a paper bag

Tef really opened my eyes to relize things that i restlessly doubted
He showed me theres more to losing - theres crying n questionin about it
I really liked this concept. It was simple, but effective. Only thing I would change is I would change questionin' to bitching or something else that sounds more harsh. Crying is good, makes him sound like a pussy. Questionin' doesn't do much for me..its just about adding that mean streak to ur verse
But dont worry, your gettin` better dood, your earnin` your place
as the guy in the league that gets whored by every decent textcee u face
This wasn't effective because its too generic and bland. If this was against someone who continually lost over and over to good people it'd hit harder, but TEF doesn't have that rep yet so this is kinda bland. If u want it to hit harder, add wit to it. Maybe a punchline like "you've found ur niche...with all the other wack fucks who lose to everyone decent". Not the best example, but its just the idea u need wit to this where you make it sound like ur going to say one thing, then switch it up and say something else that disses him
N` ur verse is a waste, all the stuff you drop is gettin more and more played
So fuck the dumbshit - and no tef, that doesnt mean you`re getting laid
Okay, this punchline wasn't too bad, but the concept of its kinda played. What i want to focus on here is your setup. All you had to say was:

Ur verse's a waste, ur gettin' worse n' more played

It says the same thing, but flows MUCH better. In other words, when you write setups, and this applies to punchlines too, u generally don't want to waste words, say what u want to say with as few syllables as possible. Ur setup had a lotta unnecessary words which slowed the process of getting to the punch and weakened its effect
I`m a good cook, step back virgin or i`ll be forced to bake ya, fag
But in order to make T ef - u need 3 kegs of beer, some vodka n` a paper bag
Concept here is good. But bake ya fag? That doesn't really make sense, lol. Anyway, only thing u could do to improve this is build that element of suspense in here which builds up to the punchline. U didn't really do that. I woulda made the punchline:

But there's hope to make T ef...
... just get a fifth, 3 kegs of beer...n` a paper bag

Very small difference, but just builds up the punch more

Hope that helps.

If anyone wants some personal elevation lessons with me then hit me up over AIM and I'll run some things through with you.

AIM: Appocolyptik
MSN: Pyrokronix@hotmail.com

Nigga please, why try, you know that im kickin dweebs
But i cant say you suck. . . cuz then i`d be dissin feebs
You sickin` me, even your fuckin` cars are worse, kid
So i`ll bash lack . . .without needin` to call for insurance
And im lying, your shows stay bumpin` until there done
Cuz black doesn`t silence crowds
. . .I heard Z`s outta everyone
Faggots done, i waited awhile, parents wouldnt loan time
But I Didnt Care. . .
Cuz i doubted he`d come fresh, Or even write his own lines
So when i show mine, he`ll get mad and hate, so Kid pray
Before i pitch black. . . . . . . . . .in a ditch during mid day

MaRVjay, your on the list dawg, coz strobe had em all wrong
Coz this fags requesting to pinkslip---->into pumps and a small thong
Ur old news like yesterdays paper even the cypher digress
Coz This kid bites enough lines to write a weekly Digest
So you better Take me out your sig fam, I dont mess with bitches
But I will drop Marv a link...then drag him by his legs with it
So forget it nigga Im done with this wak fuck
And not to be racist, but blacksilence...N' I really wanna keep it as such
Im kneeing your nutts, so cry You fuckin' ashy bastard
'Coz lotion keeps em 3yrs younger--->then the boys he's usually chasing after
And Stick and stones may hurt, yeah but wordz'll blow his ribs
Coz I browse the net, while he's too black for you to notice his
And Native, he's wak but atleast he admits that he knows
COz feeding is like girls he admires, none'll ever eat @ joes
Make em bleed out the nose, uppercut em through heavens free sanction
Then drop em back to hell, low enough to see his own league ranking
So starv yourself, do something productive for the league son
'COz if you join you'll just be Stanzas crutch, coz he's about to need one
Yeah nigga, Im destroying your rep, Stanz is not imperative
This fag could win 3 battles and STILL be in the negatives
Nobody reads your raps, But shit...I dont have to tell duke
Just peep this weeks mag and see if they even mention you
So check it...vs Heratoga, thats a question of me being nautious
You got 3 of the top 5, so you'll be seeing atleast 3 losses
Theres gonna be a lot of slow singing and flowers in baskets
'Coz last time he bitch moved...it was me facing em down in a casket
So battle Appoc and get slaughtered, murdered and slayed
But I'll admit, thats like your bitches legs--->I see it going either way
And Lamp you wont escape wrath, I'll scarface till Manolo hurts
Coz I sent em back so far last week, He STLL calling Solo, 'kirk'
'Coz I'll exept all your challenges, fagget...we can battle repeatedly
Coz I could cut off all my finguers...
...And still count how many times you defeated me
I'll beat you easily...its not a challenge, to even call it such...
should be against the league rules coz you fucking suck
And to Shit on the next nigga, son... its a raw fact....
Niggas just be asking, "why t'fuck you tryinna rap For...Mat?!!!"
Your gonna get served and plowed, I can already smell em fry
Coz I know you like chicken, but that Hen'll eat em alive
So its 21 gun salute...after burying the ranks in fatigues
Coz Glocks aint been poppin since...His d/r KempMRK left the league

thats real talk...

My verse against UsernameOn B-Boys Site

This Whole Game is Gettiin Lame So Fuck all Of Your Wack Usernames
Couldnt Drop Dope If I Shove Crack Up His Back and into His Brain
Im Wreckin His aim.....And Its Only The Begining of Shame
But The Middle of this Dame So Nigga's Know im Smokin This Jane
Shoot up His Spain So The Bitch Wont Scream Livin Levita Loca
All You'll Here is Livin....Bcuz The Rest of His Levita Gets Broke Up
I Dont choke Up But word is you suck Cock & That Virus Hittin Ya Spots
Umm....I would Diss You But Thats The Only Reason You Cum Hot
So Ill Leave Yo Dumb Spots open For Early Recovery So You can Compete
Im Not Talkn Bout You fuckin Ya dad when I Was Talkin Bout Cum-Pete
Ill Shot you With a Hi-C And Watch Yo Notes Drop To A Low Octave Of B
You A Dumb G....Must Explain Why The H I J In Yo Alphabets is H I V
Bitches Claim You Hot and I see You Get Landed in The Top Ten
But Ya Skills Is Like Soda in a Can..Neva Really Spose To Top Tin
You Cant See Me Must Explain Why Ya Punchez Are Mishits To Me
Bcuz Like A Clock I Hit With 2 45'z Like Its A Quater To Three
Possibly Niggas Already Sponserin Me...So Votes Are A Ease
Ya Punchez Never Climax Like Whores They only a Tease
Get Off Ya Knees Nigga's Stop Begging For Ya Punch To Hit
Waitin on Me To Sneeze So You Can Hopefully Touch my Spitz
I Would Keep Goin but The First Blow Really Ending This Game
Yo Bitch Is Hot Like You...Must Explain Why Noone Wants To Us her name

Trus isnt a smart guy, showin love for a bitch....
that could give him brain, and leave ya junk torn to shit
With teeth like that... she's the man in the relationship huh?
I mean shit... you have more feminine lips that she does!
Dont mean mug... you better just run and make haste...
Since the hue of her teeth, is showing her fear of date rape
Ya'll just grubbin on butter? Cause that bitch'll kill an erection
She's hot butterface... body, hair, and complexion....
I mean she's got a red face... to match that shit that ur wearin
Wait... isnt that ^^^^ usually a sign of being embarassed
No wonder ur standards are garbage, need to idolize how I get mine
While you got a 18 yr old, with tits saggin down to ur belt line
'N thats sad as shit, will you be respected? no way...
Especially when even your lazy eye... is sprinting away from that horse face!

posted in cyhper after comedian

IP: 85F3 8B60

no let me tie this in with film lets see who really lose/
this battle's MISSION IMPOSSIBLE but dawg...your no tom cruise/
see it's RISKY BUSINESS comeing at a LEGEND look..just stop son/
u LOSIN IT cuz FAR AND AWAY my verses make me TOP GUN/
i'll spit u DAYS OF THUNDER make it RAIN MAN u can't see me/
and since u ah hoe in a man's body i think your more use to TV/
see your flow is nicole ritchie...dumb, frail and bitch/
in fact im calling abc/
i got a show to pitch/
comedian staring as himself we'll call it a simple's life/
then put it on just after lost/
cuz thats where he fit's in right!/
theres nothing funny about u/
your skill's trash & u ass but....
i'll laugh when i rip your legs off/
then watch u try and do stand up

TO FINAL:

Nigga please, why try, you know that im kickin dweebs
But i cant say you suck. . . cuz then i`d be dissin feebs
this punch was okay, I know it was based on the quote. The only thing is, this style is kinda played as I've seen lines very similar to this based off biting someone else. If ur going to use this type of punch, the only thing u can do to make it more original is replace the "I can't say you suck" with something more creative..think of other cliches or ways to use wordplay in this situation
You sickin` me, even your fuckin` cars are worse, kid
So i`ll bash lack . . .without needin` to call for insurance
this concept is cool, the problem is it doesn't really work. It's AFLAC, not BASHLACK or ASHLACK.. so because of that, this doesn't quite work. Basically, think of it this way.. if u have to change the way something is pronounced for a punch to work, I'd avoid it.
And im lying, your shows stay bumpin` until there done
Cuz black doesn`t silence crowds
. . .I heard Z`s outta everyone
Z's concepts are a bit played as well. This is a different way of saying it, but your still saying the same thing about catching Z's which is played. With this kind of punch, if ur going to use the whole "doesn't silence crowds" thing, thats fine, just think of a more original way to finish it. Even something like "Black doesn't silence crowds... u can always hear the sound of feet running away" or something more original than Z's.. just basically saying with each concept think it through more
Faggots done, i waited awhile, parents wouldnt loan time
But I Didnt Care. . .
Cuz i doubted he`d come fresh, Or even write his own lines
There's no wit at all in this line. It's a diss, but really as simple one as you can get. If it doesn't have wit, just forget about it
So when i show mine, he`ll get mad and hate, so Kid pray
Before i pitch black. . . . . . . . . .in a ditch during mid day
pitch black idea was cool man. This was okay, but u kinda took the obvious route. Maybe if you'd made this into a pitch/baseball type punch this would have been better

Basically man, the way you start your concepts is fine, you just gotta be more witty with the execution of them and instead of goin' for the obvious route, bein' more creative.

meh, im sure i can use some improvement..

Dissing Trus and his Girlfriend

Your girl says you got a small unit.. and she's looking for a new man to hire
Cuz she said, if DaTrusHurtz, Then this dude must be a pathological liar..
With ur cheesy ass smile, son those dimples aint right..
Cause the craters on your face are big enough to host the first known alien life
Check your girls shirt B, I must say that im really impressed..
She told me she wanted no strings attached, so i cut it off and exposed her chest.
Look at your brow yo, Ur hair is going off course and shit..
Cuz those caterpillar-like eye brows, are in the beginning stages of metamorphosis
Are you horsin around?? Cuz that bitch has to be ur sister and shit..
With looks like those, i'm guessing ur biological father is sea biscuit??
You and ur bitch at the formal dancing like rookies
she told me she hasnt cut the rug in years..
...................i said it looked like bob marley was eating her pussy
When i horseplay, everyone elses style just bores me
meanwhile a horseplay, the leading role in DaTrus's life story
Nah but seriously im curious how can u let this fly??
ur girls suddam annoying i let her hang with the guy
Stanza's right u guys look good together, but she's really not hot sir..
but you are a nice couple........... of targets for the 12 gauge mossberg
your girls a little chunky, and its really rough g..
she has enough beef in her cheeks to make 50 file for bankruptcy

TO GA Arquetech:

no let me tie this in with film lets see who really lose/
this battle's MISSION IMPOSSIBLE but dawg...your no tom cruise/
see it's RISKY BUSINESS comeing at a LEGEND look..just stop son/
u LOSIN IT cuz FAR AND AWAY my verses make me TOP GUN/
i'll spit u DAYS OF THUNDER make it RAIN MAN u can't see me/
and since u ah hoe in a man's body i think your more use to TV/
see your flow is nicole ritchie...dumb, frail and bitch/
in fact im calling abc/
i got a show to pitch/
comedian staring as himself we'll call it a simple's life/
then put it on just after lost/
cuz thats where he fit's in right!/
theres nothing funny about u/
your skill's trash & u ass but....
i'll laugh when i rip your legs off/
then watch u try and do stand up

I'm not going to break this down bar by bar. But here's your problems

1) You need to avoid self-glory. Like that top gun line, all it does is hype you up and not diss your opponent. In battles here this is frowned upon. If your line doesn't diss your opponent, don't use it.
2) You have a lot of filler. Things that really just take up space and aren't disses. Like the ABC shit, that wasn't really a diss. I see where you were goin' with it, but the punch just wasn't there. Think of it this way, read your punchline to yourself and ask if you think that it would offend you if someone said it to you. If the answer is not at all, then its prolly not a good bar.
3) Fix your structure. First off, get rid of those /'s, they look newbish, only newbs use those. Also, put all your bars within 2 lines. Occasionally there is a time to use 3, but for now, I'd recommend just using 2 as its easier to read and putting your stuff on 3 isn't helping you and just makes it confusing to read.
4) I want you to read battles by other people to learn how to battle around here. Read battles in the archives from people who have good records in this league. You can learn a lot from us.

first thanks 4 the imput.

1.now the top gun was not the direct dis but my 1st 2 bars tell him to let me tie it in with movies all words highlighted are all tom cruise movies so the top gun line is not only self glory but also witty play on movie tittles ie me tieing it in with film.so i named 8 tom crusie movies

2.no the abc line is not a dis but it's not a filler line.that line ties in with the whole tv thing since i used tv to mean both transvestite and televison the punches are the nicloe ritchie line and since she stared in the simple life i thought i would play off that tv shows name and call him simple abc is also the station that airs lost so once again a play off another tv so lost is refering to the L's he takes. so if someone told me i was simple, with a frail flow and use to takeing loses then i would be offended.

3.as far as everything eles i will fix but useing punches with no content makes your verses sound hollow and im a complex writer by nature but i will dumb it down a bit for the sake of winning.

^^ duke that shit is way to complicated.. simplify ur lines more.. when ur dissing someone u dont gotta tie in movies into 6 lines

This Whole Game is Gettiin Lame So Fuck all Of Your Wack Usernames
Couldnt Drop Dope If I Shove Crack Up His Back and into His Brain
There's no way to reword this concept to make it good, the whole drop dope thing is played. Anything dope/crack is played. Think of it this way man, if the concept comes obvious to you, its prolly been done before
Im Wreckin His aim.....And Its Only The Begining of Shame
But The Middle of this Dame So Nigga's Know im Smokin This Jane
the punchline here is essentially, "I'm smokin' this jane". If someone said that to you, would you be offended? No, its just a statement, there isn't a diss in this
Shoot up His Spain So The Bitch Wont Scream Livin Levita Loca
All You'll Here is Livin....Bcuz The Rest of His Levita Gets Broke Up
now this concept was actually okay, haven't seen anything exactly like it before. But ur punchline makes no sense "Bcuz the rest of his levita gets broke up?" what does that mean? U coulda made the punchline more like

people need to stop bitchin, cuz to be u, their wishin
u've got that levita loca thing goin' for u...
...its just a shame ur barely livin

That's a quick rewording, could be much better, but thats the idea, make it into a diss instead of a statement
I Dont choke Up But word is you suck Cock & That Virus Hittin Ya Spots
Umm....I would Diss You But Thats The Only Reason You Cum Hot
same as the first bar.. cum lines are played, nothing u can do to make them good
So Ill Leave Yo Dumb Spots open For Early Recovery So You can Compete
Im Not Talkn Bout You fuckin Ya dad when I Was Talkin Bout Cum-Pete
blahhhhh, same as above
Ill Shot you With a Hi-C And Watch Yo Notes Drop To A Low Octave Of B
You A Dumb G....Must Explain Why The H I J In Yo Alphabets is H I V
this hardly makes sense.. i woulda made it more like
Fuckin' infected faggot, u ain't respected highly
U must drink a lotta Orange Juice...
... u gotta a HI-C that goes nice with ur HIV
Bitches Claim You Hot and I see You Get Landed in The Top Ten
But Ya Skills Is Like Soda in a Can..Neva Really Spose To Top Tin
I see what u were goin' for, but this is a bit of a stretch with the top tin thing.. if u gotta change the way somethin is said for it to be good, don't use it
You Cant See Me Must Explain Why Ya Punchez Are Mishits To Me
Bcuz Like A Clock I Hit With 2 45'z Like Its A Quater To Three
Don't use self-glory, its a pretty common rule.. if the bar is about you and not him, don't use it
Possibly Niggas Already Sponserin Me...So Votes Are A Ease
Ya Punchez Never Climax Like Whores They only a Tease
This idea is a bit played, but it coulda been okay.. maybe something more like this

Ur at the top of ur game n' ur gonna go really far
Ur punches always hit a climax...
.. everyone can see how small they really are

Something like that with the whole limp/small idea.. anywaymake it into a punch, urs dissed whores more than him, lol
Get Off Ya Knees Nigga's Stop Begging For Ya Punch To Hit
Waitin on Me To Sneeze So You Can Hopefully Touch my Spitz
played, same as the other played stuff
I Would Keep Goin but The First Blow Really Ending This Game
Yo Bitch Is Hot Like You...Must Explain Why Noone Wants To Us her name
really doesn't make sense and pretty weak

Your problem is that first off, your concepts for the most part are played and not original. You did have a few okay ideas though u could work with. Also, u don't seem to develop your concepts into punches, more into statements. Read the punchlines and make sure they are actually mean and dissing. Keep working on it man.

Thanx for the help man I see that now........

I don't have a particular verse but I have some lines from different battles
 

He so gay, a guy robbed this fag and Final wanted to ravage the man
It didn't happen in Time Square but he still wanted what the Manhattan his pants
^ME vs FINAL

The first Comedian with no wit at all dissin me? Hell No!
He has no funny bone in his body
………………..I think this guy's even missin his Elbows
^ME vs COMEDIAN

I’ll try to stop insulting Seattle and bringing gays middle fingers
So now I’ll let Jon B(e),
…………………..since his punches are as played as that Singer
^ME vs JOHN HENSLEY

If he don’t like Cliché’s, who’s going THE WACK rout? homie I bet you….
Silence goes “Without saying” like Pantomime clowns performing for Deaf mutes
^ME vs BLACKSILENCE

You should worry about the 2 magnums I got on the dresser
One is for fucking your bitch, the other one will have you shot on a stretcher
^ME vs ACE

Piss’ed off or pissed on, golden shower guys gets hit wit something
The way he `Slurppee, Even 711 would think this kid’s Disgusting
And the slut girl his mom had? it’s nothing to diss her
If I keep hitting Jo$h’s thumb with a hammer?……
…………..He still won’t get `Fingerbanged as much as his sister
m too ruff for Jo$H, I’m clutching bats in the first place
When I swing he’s gonna “RUN HOME” quicker than players on 3rd base
^ME vs JO$HUA

Ur lame in this sonny, plus ur played n` its funny, fag u cant win
Cuz phil been gay SO long,
. . .hensley`s punches are seeming directed at him
Your short dope spree faded, so i`ll easily leave this dood dead
cuz last time it was final, phil
. . .my name was bolded in the predictions thread
But fuck statistics, this bitch im rippin, u losin` at a steady rate
So i`ll see you jumpin` ship . . .and votin` agaisnt me outta hate
Faggot wait, dont stunt on me, i swear im ready to drill a bitch
Cuz my only concern. . . is who i have to kill in contendership
It`ll be easy, you cant beat me, i key and still make you pout
But kids a soilder. . .Only Because the girlscouts kicked him out

Cares less if ya back to text, just get off da apex of my bone
Either you were banned or just have a bad alias...if not
This the underfunded version of the Attack of the clones
Dont think cuz u rhyme u can start shinning with me
Only reason you shine when you rhyme is cuz u shining with teeth
And that yellow is blinding to me,So stop tryna piss in my zone
Is kinda sad that ya urine n ya teeth coincide witcha skin tone
Stop worrying about me brushing up on my skills
When you need to start brushing up on ya grill
But anyways......
I guess you really wanna see some tight lines in sixteens
No worry i'll make the fit,i'll just post a pic of the tight linen of ya jeans
Lets switch the scene with time in a crunch.
We can do this punch for punch...or eye for eye and be blind in this race
I pick option two, cuz it better than having to see your ugly face
I swear...your worst then ugly broads on them matchmaker communities
These false personals I got emunity
But i do give you a thumbs up, for bringin something new to me
This bottle cap label came back like niggas really need ya game
Right now, RV the opposite of Cheers, Because nobody knows ya name

Flow like acrobatics, to rip threw your aparatus, decreasin your status
Cuz ya flows get sent to the corner more than active crack attics
Im dope like coke processed plants, comming from the process plants
While ya flow gets less fluid like cancerous prostate glands
Every tryout line you dropped in my crew, resembles Deju vus
Played concept rhymes from back in the day I used
I never seen someone wanna be down with my crew so much
Tryna scream Trigga Town Up, Is makin ya seem like a Trigga Town Slut
Don't rock Avys like you really sick, when the battle you bout to loose
Verses is like Mortal Kombat,I slice this Saibot and leave'em as the Noob
This Kids I problem, Watch me solve em, I bring it back, then use da condom
Only way he got my bitches on his back, is when he got his mom behind em

TO TEF:

He so gay, a guy robbed this fag and Final wanted to ravage the man
It didn't happen in Time Square but he still wanted what the Manhattan his pants
^ME vs FINAL
This didn't really work. Its creative, but its forced, you'd have to say Manhattan differently than how it is really said for it to work. Don't use wordplay that you have to change how something is said or its ineffective
The first Comedian with no wit at all dissin me? Hell No!
He has no funny bone in his body
………………..I think this guy's even missin his Elbows
^ME vs COMEDIAN
Okay, think about what you just said. Basically all your diss is that he has no elbows. I know it goes along with the funny bone thing, but saying he dosen't have elbows isn't an insult, its kinda stupid lol
I’ll try to stop insulting Seattle and bringing gays middle fingers
So now I’ll let Jon B(e),
…………………..since his punches are as played as that Singer
^ME vs JOHN HENSLEY
First off, don't use () to explain your shit, it looks like ur unconfident we'll get it. I didn't need the () to get it, but if you were writing a punch that makes little sense without the explanation, its prolly no good. Other thing about this is how can a singer be played? Punchline just doesn't make much sense
If he don’t like Cliché’s, who’s going THE WACK rout? homie I bet you….
Silence goes “Without saying” like Pantomime clowns performing for Deaf mutes
^ME vs BLACKSILENCE
simile punches are very rarely effective unless they are pretty witty and original.. which this isn't. As a whole, I'd say just avoid using these types of punches
You should worry about the 2 magnums I got on the dresser
One is for fucking your bitch, the other one will have you shot on a stretcher
^ME vs ACE
Magnum concept is okay tho its been used a few times before. The problem here is how you used it. Generally, you never use wordplay in your setup. Your setup should refer to the wordplay, then the first part of the punchline uses the wordplay, then the end of the punchline shows the twist on the concept which comes as the surprise. Maybe something more like this:

When u feel threatened, u just wanna hit this dude
You'd pop a magnum, but that'd be WAYY too big on you

Not perfect, but u get the idea
Piss’ed off or pissed on, golden shower guys gets hit wit something
The way he `Slurppee, Even 711 would think this kid’s Disgusting
This is okay i guess, but thing is it doesn't really work. A dude can't slurppee, a slurppee is a noun, not a verb. So this wordplay only really works one way. Maybe if u'd have said "He tried slurppees, but ... " sometimes with wordplay its hard to make it work both ways, but do ur best.
And the slut girl his mom had? it’s nothing to diss her
If I keep hitting Jo$h’s thumb with a hammer?……
…………..He still won’t get `Fingerbanged as much as his sister
B]The whole fingerbanged concept came off as pretty gay. You shoulda just avoided this whole punch
m too ruff for Jo$H, I’m clutching bats in the first place
When I swing he’s gonna “RUN HOME” quicker than players on 3rd base

^ME vs JO$HUA
this was self-glory. Really just don't use self-glory, thats all

Seems like ur biggest thing is the way ya use your concepts. A lot of them are worded in ways that I can tell what your going for, but they don't quite make sense the way ya use them or they aren't exactly punches. When you write, double check that what your saying is actually a diss and could offend someone.

my rhymin is unique so dont swet the tec-nique...
dont spell it proper... but id still put that tec to ya cheek...
my spittins in depth... but only indeath...
will u see that im great an my lyrics the best...
dont try ya luck going against this criminal...
cuz itll take more than jail time to scare me even minimal...
never spittin subliminals...
i always say what i mean an mean what i say...
so if you said what u ment half the time...
maybe youd understand why your gay....
its c. to the r. im to the e...
i blaze weed equal to a pound a week...
so try to battle me... ill leave u drained...
leave u stained wit acid like batteries...
im statically charged a lyricist at heart....
im the soul of the fire...
leave ya body ripped apart from fast flows ull retire...

To Wordz Ahgod: Sorry it took awhile for me to respond to this, but I gave you a lot of feedback so please read my comments carefully.

MaRVjay, your on the list dawg, coz strobe had em all wrong
Coz this fags requesting to pinkslip---->into pumps and a small thong
The trouble with this is the wordplay doesn't exactly work 2 ways and wordplay always should. How can a fag actually pinkslip into something? Maybe u coulda done it like this:

Faggot was talkin' mad shit, but the truth hurts when he's wrong
I wanted to pinkslip... he wanted to slip into a pink skirt n' a thong

Basically, when u have wordplay that doesn't work, try other ways to use it. I've used a similar form for wordplay like this. For example, a punchline like "I've got it made by the minute, u'll just make minute maid for a livin" The idea is, use the word in a short sentence, then use the same word in another short sentence which disses him like this.
Ur old news like yesterdays paper even the cypher digress
Coz This kid bites enough lines to write a weekly Digest
This was weak, it just didn't have any real wit to it, kinda too bland. What pisses me off is u actually had a cool concept here and you didn't use it:

This kids a fat fuck, eats a lot, i'm straight killin' this fag
On the real, ur weekly digest would have NO trouble fillin' that mag

I dunno, I think its not bad if u make this a fat joke out of the weekly digest idea which i hadn't seen before. Sometimes read what u write and you'll be surprised to find words which have wordplay available to you.
So you better Take me out your sig fam, I dont mess with bitches
But I will drop Marv a link...then drag him by his legs with it
Concept is fine, but again, flipped too basically. Be more creative in how you use the concepts. Lots of ways you could use the Link concept, first that comes to mind to me is Zelda:

U lost for not votin', but stop bitchin' n' dude
To tried to drop a Link, but even Zelda could beat the shit outta u

I dunno if thats the best way to flip it, but the point is, u took the easy way out and ur punch was just a threat n' no punch. This is more of a diss
So forget it nigga Im done with this wak fuck
And not to be racist, but blacksilence...N' I really wanna keep it as such
this concept is very good, but the way ya ended it really weakened in it. Like who cares if YOU want to keep it as such. Its much more of a diss if u just say the league or someone else. Simply u coulda fixed it a bit by saying this:

When u make an appearence, ur always flauntin' it dude
Blacksilence! Ain't racist, its what the whole league wants u do

Just hits a bit more directly and doesn't weaken the punch at the end
Im kneeing your nutts, so cry You fuckin' ashy bastard
'Coz lotion keeps em 3yrs younger--->then the boys he's usually chasing after
With this punch, i want to just point out a stylistic issue. This punch looks stretched from appearence, even tho it isn't:

Im kneeing ur nutts, ashy faggot, cry like a racist bastard
'Coz lotion keeps em 3yrs younger....then the boys he chases after

This is almost the same line, but just reads a bit better.. make ur shit look nice and not sloppy and voters might look at it differently
And Stick and stones may hurt, yeah but wordz'll blow his ribs
Coz I browse the net, while he's too black for you to notice his
I don't really understand what u meant by "browse the net".. I woulda made it start like "I tried to punch them.. but he was too fuckin' black to notice his".. but then again, I wouldn't use this punch at all, its not a punch. All your saying is he's really black.. so what? Maybe in a pic battle this is fine, but in a generic battle, its really bland and comes off as kinda false. Basically read the punchline to urself and ask "is this really a punch"? I wouldn't answer yes to this punchline
And Native, he's wak but atleast he admits that he knows
COz feeding is like girls he admires, none'll ever eat @ joes
I assume Joes is a restaurant? Easy to assume that from the punch, but I haven't heard of it. Avoid punches about local concepts that other people might not be familiar with. Anyway, this punch didn't make much sense the way u worded it. Try this:

U can't win without help, my plan's to help this fuck die
Cuz u fuckin' feed so much, Joe's restaurant ran out of supplies

It takes the feeding concept and relates it to the restaurant idea much better.
Make em bleed out the nose, uppercut em through heavens free sanction
Then drop em back to hell, low enough to see his own league ranking
This was okay, just think of more creative ways to refer to being low, urs was a bit ehh.. maybe this:

U always get KOd, in ur past matches I've seen spankings
Lil' Jon's Get Low was fuckin' inspired by ur league ranking

Again, just be more creative.
So starv yourself, do something productive for the league son
'COz if you join you'll just be Stanzas crutch, coz he's about to need one
i think i've seen crutch wordplay before so this can only be so good. I woulda done it more like this:

Join the league, I can see u competin' for real there
U'd be Stanza's crutch, but he needs that, a cast, AND a wheelchair

After writing that I don't like it much, but the idea is expand the idea to things related to crutches
Yeah nigga, Im destroying your rep, Stanz is not imperative
This fag could win 3 battles and STILL be in the negatives
This punch was okay, it was a personal that did I believe hit. However, I want u to make this personal goal. Don't use personals without wit. Yes, sometimes you can state a personal without any wit and it will hit cuz its true. But trust me, it will hit MUCH harder if u combine wit into it. Sometimes, all u gotta do is add a cliche which is relevant to ur personal, and then say the personal. I don't have an example for u for this specific example, but i'll show u what i mean:

Ya just made a new name, n' bitch you'll never amount
Criminals pick on the weakest link...
... and TayTay stole your account

If I just said in the punchline "Stupid faggot, TayTay stole ur account" it would have hit, but I used a relevant cliche that related to the personal, tied it together, and there ya go. Wordplay/Cliches + Personals = Hard Hitter
Nobody reads your raps, But shit...I dont have to tell duke
Just peep this weeks mag and see if they even mention you
Exactly what I said in the previous applies here.. this is a personal so it hits, but not as hard as it could. How about this:

I checked the mag that Trus posted n' sent son
It gave props to everyone decent...
... so its no surprise u weren't mentioned

This is kinda similar to a punch I used this week on GREVISS, but yea, combines wit to the personal
So check it...vs Heratoga, thats a question of me being nautious
You got 3 of the top 5, so you'll be seeing atleast 3 losses

You were so close here. This is all u had to do to make this punch much better:

I checked the mag, u have no fuckin' right to yap geek
But props on gettin' 3 of the top 5...
... wackest punches of last week

Sets up the wackest punch thing much better
Theres gonna be a lot of slow singing and flowers in baskets
'Coz last time he bitch moved...it was me facing em down in a casket
this is one of those concepts that i hate. Newbs often think its dope cuz they've never seen it and it often gets props, but vets know its been done many times before. When u use concepts, use the search button on this site and even potentially other sites to see if its been done before, and if it has, how has it been done. Its just a good way to check if ur shits played
So battle Appoc and get slaughtered, murdered and slayed
But I'll admit, thats like your bitches legs--->I see it going either way
Concept here is fine, but the setup is weird cuz like u say he's gonna get murdered, but then in the punch u aren't sure. It seems like theres a disjoint. Make sure ur setups and punches relate.. just do this:

Battle Appoc, u'll get murdered, but maybe he'll get slayed
The match is like ur bitch's legs... I can see it going either way

The only problem is that to diss him (his girl) this also kinda compliments him. U want to avoid complimenting someone to diss them if possible, but this is better anyway than it was before
And Lamp you wont escape wrath, I'll scarface till Manolo hurts
Coz I sent em back so far last week, He STLL calling Solo, 'kirk'
I guess this is a reference to Scarface. I haven't seen it cuz I don't really watch TV so I can't help u with this one
'Coz I'll exept all your challenges, fagget...we can battle repeatedly
Coz I could cut off all my finguers...
...And still count how many times you defeated me
This is decent, it combines wit + personal like i was talkin' about before. Do more of this, but try this:

I'll except all ur challenges, faggot we can battle repeatedly
I could cut off all my fingers...
...And STILL fuckin' count how many times you defeated me

I know, its the same thing, just cap'd the still, added a fuckin' n' changed a few other minor things to make it sound more smooth. My point is, u need to sound more angry. Add swear words, caps, and other things to do this.
I'll beat you easily...its not a challenge, to even call it such...
should be against the league rules coz you fucking suck
This looked like u were runnin' outta things to say it was so bland and wack.. lemme tell u this, if u set the line limit high n' u haven't dropped yet, rather than meeting that limit, just drop 2 less lines if u really have nothing else.
And to Shit on the next nigga, son... its a raw fact....
Niggas just be asking, "why t'fuck you tryinna rap For...Mat?!!!"
This was dope, by far the best bar of this verse. U set it up very nicely and the punch was extremely well excuted, good shit
Your gonna get served and plowed, I can already smell em fry
Coz I know you like chicken, but that Hen'll eat em alive
Rule of thumb man, if someone is a vet, DO NOT use nameplays on them. If u think u got something so fresh theres no way anyone coulda thought of it, go for it, but in general, ur just kickin' urself writin' nameplays against people like Hens cuz he's been around for so long he's surely seen it all
So its 21 gun salute...after burying the ranks in fatigues
Coz Glocks aint been poppin since...His d/r KempMRK left the league
without quotes or this being well known, this comes off as kinda fake. It seems like Kempo was a random person to put in as D/R. If ur gonna use personals, make sure they are true and everyone believes they are true

I hope all this helps. This obviously took me a little bit. If you can see, there's a theme with a lot of my comments that I felt many of your concepts were above average, but u ruined most of them by being too simple with them and not being creative enough. Being creative takes time, but if u think of better ways to relate ur concepts to similar/related things, u can improve.

This Prosecutor...
 

since he didnt show..

ur key styles never in fashion,ur wording has turnt to butt
but ur nicely wearing that suit..of black residue after i burnt u up
if i see anybody say ur verse is dope,imma start orally debating
an tell'em to get ur shit sordid out,cuz his drop was MORALLY DEGRADING
im just speaking my mind,u style's never had any exciting flavor
its seem ur stationary bout advancin.. cuz ur talents thin as the writing paper.
so call me the barber,they way ur get'n chop'd up,soon as u arrived
Imma taper u off..by blastin a wedged shape chunk out yer side
u never learn the basics,n u dont impress me as a writer
uve been TAUGHT all wrong..
..now imma snap u in half after i stretch u tighter

Alright, well I thought my first two lines were nice name plays and my other bars were decent, but since I didn't really get the review I expected last week I figured I'd post it up in here and see the criticism I can get to improve...(I explained each bar incase people didn't get em)

Eye-Que Vs. Keyed

Listen..Ya trends out, like low rise jeans and leather..
and I ain't only talking about my verse when I say..
..I'ma Key...10x better..
(Here I was saying how not in my verse will I key ten times better, but that I am "Keyed" but 10 times better)
I excrete fluids from bitches and your next to bleed..
I've gotta lock on pussy...and that locks been Keyed!!
(Basically, just saying Keyed is pussy)
Open and exposed...a hidden secret surpassed..
You couldn't produce creative shit..
With a constructive brain in your ass!!
(Most people got this)
I devour these fools, why you strive to cop a taste..
This dude can't be champ..
They don't make belts small enough to fit around his waist..
(Haha filler)
This fag loves rappin on computers..son he fears mics..
Dude raps in front of mirrors just so he can appear nice..
(Most people got this)
He can't spit, this dick's into lay-text(latex)..
Now look how I've stopped this pussies flow...
By inserting some play-text..
(I guess filler)
You're embarrasing, with those lines your forcing..
Man..This dude has been wacked since birth..
Just like his foreskin..
(Dissin him about being wack)

You've been gone for a while, and the whole style of text has changed drastically. A lot of the focus now is on your wording... and you may want to refrain with the played conepts.


Eye-Que Vs. Keyed

Listen..Ya trends out, like low rise jeans and leather..
and I ain't only talking about my verse when I say..
..I'ma Key...10x better..
I quoted this bar when I reviewed the battle, but I'm a be real and say I was generous. I was generally quoting bars based on the overall quality of the battle. Whilst the nameplay was there, you should try and refrain from dropping any type of punch that self glorifies in any way because self glorifying now is a major played piece of suckness.
I excrete fluids from bitches and your next to bleed..
I've gotta lock on pussy...and that locks been Keyed!!
This wasn't that good at all. The wording was off in places, you need to have the bar flowing off the tongue like you would say it in real life. Also, the whole calling someone a pussy concept has been flipped in every way possible.
Open and exposed...a hidden secret surpassed..
You couldn't produce creative shit..
With a constructive brain in your ass!!
Yes, most people got this. And if they dared to quote it as if it was decent then they deserve to be shitted on... LITERALLY! What the fuck! This concept... the whole shit/ass wordplay is beyond fucking played and the fact that this bar got quoted by some just made me LMFAO!!
I devour these fools, why you strive to cop a taste..
This dude can't be champ..
They don't make belts small enough to fit around his waist..
Yeah, filler is a big NO NO!! The level that most text battlers are at now means that if you drop filler then you will probably end up losing. Basically, none of the decent battlers drop filler anymore.
This fag loves rappin on computers..son he fears mics..
Dude raps in front of mirrors just so he can appear nice..
The concept isn't as played as some of your others. However, the wording was too simplistic for it to have any real affect. You need to be a bit more creative but still maintain a decent flow.
He can't spit, this dick's into lay-text(latex)..
Now look how I've stopped this pussies flow...
By inserting some play-text..
FILLER=NO!
You're embarrasing, with those lines your forcing..
Man..This dude has been wacked since birth..
Just like his foreskin..
This was probably the best bar you had. It was worth quoting and even though the wording wasn't perfect... it still came off. Again though, if you are just gonna plainly call someone wack... you need to be coming creative as fuck otherwise it'll just sound shit.

To Ben Dope:

ur key styles never in fashion,ur wording has turnt to butt
but ur nicely wearing that suit..of black residue after i burnt u up
the problem here is with the "i burnt u up".. anytime u talk about what ur doing' to him, the bar isn't gonna be good unless its very imaginative or creative. If u wanted to do suit wordplay, I woulda done it like this:

What's wit ur clothes fag? Ur poker face is never clean
N' 5 of ur suits would make the ugliest flush that i've EVER seen

Similar wordplay, much better line
if i see anybody say ur verse is dope,imma start orally debating
an tell'em to get ur shit sordid out,cuz his drop was MORALLY DEGRADING
i really liked this shit man, i've never seen it and the punch hit nicely. I wouldn't change anything in it, just woulda have changed "cuz his drop" to "cuz ur drop"...i know, thats picky, I just dont like a change in tense, but thats petty shit, good bar
im just speaking my mind,u style's never had any exciting flavor
its seem ur stationary bout advancin.. cuz ur talents thin as the writing paper.
concept here is cool, way ya used it is decent. Only thing i would change is the "it seems ur stationary 'bout advancin'... that doesn't sound harsh.. u woulda been better off startin' like "ur ranks only stationary cuz ur talent is paper thin" or "ur rank's so stationary, the league used it to write u off" or something like that...the way you say it sounds a bit indirect
so call me the barber,they way ur get'n chop'd up,soon as u arrived
Imma taper u off..by blastin a wedged shape chunk out yer side
I dunno what u meant by taper.. so this doesn't really make sense to me. Even without really knowin' what u meant, I know this can only be so good cuz saying ur gonna "blast a wedged shape chunk out ur side" is just really a statement and has no diss to it
u never learn the basics,n u dont impress me as a writer
uve been TAUGHT all wrong..
..now imma snap u in half after i stretch u tighter
i don't really get what taught has to do with it..i guess the wording is off, but can't help u if i don't get it

Stationary and sordid lines were cool, just work on being more consistent and stay away from those statementish punches which don't have a diss to them.

taper=wedge-shaped

taught=past tense of teach

taut=stretched tight


see it now,an thanks trus... that shitll help me with mets.. since u said he'd demolish me.


props.