|
Week 1: JTR vs. one way
|
|
Behind the lines
Sometimes we seem to forget all of the faces behind the lines So much can be learned when receiving thoughts from another mind For what does it take to speak so gracefully on a depressing topic Or relate and give strength to a reader when they come across it Or put a smile on a face of the miserable and make a child’s day Or inspire a nation to stand united together in a historical way It seems to be the words of another that lift us abruptly to our feet The words of another that can make us laugh or make us weep It’s the true words we seek, when we ask for assistance and advice The numerous lines we read, when we want our facts to be precise If we took the time to look behind the lines, we would surly see That the faces are all around, cause they’re people like you and me Weather they inspire an individual or speak to the world through song The face behind the lines was only inspired by their experiences all along If you don’t believe your words are involved, well this will prove it true If your words were heard by somebody, the face behind the lines is you So remember your words will effect others in many different ways You’re the face behind your lines, so think about what you say |
Ok oneway, that's one way to think about it, but I'm not lost without it
Cuz it's only the most controversial shit that gets people to talk about it Remember Em' wanted to kill Kim? Put her in the trunk with her throat still slit And after the song came out we all loved him cuz he was still Slim? That reminds me of this, cuz I was never blinded by his lines from his scripts The rhymes that he spit never made me put a nine or knives on my chick It never made me call her a bitch, or kill her along with all of my kids And if anyone did I don't blame him; I blame society cuz all of it's shit. Ya dig? So you can load a gun with a clip, but what makes the man pull the trigger? There's gotta be SOME focus in him? Thats more politics for you folks to figure Pay attention; we aint a slave to records & not all records hold in aggression & even if they do it's not important since TI's on a road to redemption, get it? See that's why we can't take rappers serious cuz rappers are all delirious When they switch moods up from rude to cute stuff like they're on periods But there's no need to fear the spits when hearing 'em from a lyricist I don't blame rappers I blame parents who don't know how to steer their kids And I think this is nonsense when warnings say "Explicit Content" on the cover No one listens to what's on it and if a kid wants it he just gotta bother mother He knows she's had a long day and an argument is something she's not feeling So if he bugs her enough she'll get stumped & buy it so he can stop screaming Then he'll pop E & wash it down with Becardi and play the tracks on full blast While strappin a lasso around his damn throat and it's all happenin so fast Then parents get so mad and sue 'em while blaming music, rapping, and thugs But not themselves for lacking the love when Lil' Jack was askin for hugs Rappin his passion but his parents would always be like "Jack, that's enough!" So he relaxed on drugs cuz dad didn't like rap & would smack him for acting up See I made that story up and it was gory but it could have been true Without proper guidance you'd be lost and blinded & this could have been you Search Raymond Nap or James Vance, what they did listening to Stained Class That album from Judas Priest made 'em shoot themselves in the face man Their brains splat from the same 8 gauge blast of a shotgun & everyone blamed the famed band but didn't ask how a couple teens got one It's not dumb if ya blame a man behind the lines; just ignorant. Consider this.. I don't gotta think before I say: You gotta think before you listen in Learn the whole lesson, quit protestin'. |
wow dude, when I first started I was like wtf is wrong here? but that was dope for real, like a poetic debate........mad sick.
|
lol im glad you liked it, I thought yours was dope too which is how it influenced this piece out of me.
good battle mayne lets hope the votes are too :) |
alright, i'd say JTR won
but, i'm not gonna break down a bar to bar vote, or a line to line vote i will say this One Way, isntead of doing blha blha blha blah a blah blah blah blha a switch that shit up, hit some mutli's, get some real feeling in the peice make ya shit way doper. thats my thought, take it or leave it JTR, i can see the way you were going with your rhymes, the only thing i wasn't feeling...although you were describing great, you were also foricngin things to rhyme. There was many instances that you could have no put something in, but you did, only becuse the last words rhymned in the sentence. That almost took away from the meaning of what your saying, in my eyes but overal, JTR took this battle. both of ya'll i talk too, so you know i aint hate voting or nothing...much love to see a good poetry battle but... vote: JTR |
you both kinda lacked in feeling on this imo and yea jtr was kinda forcing some of his rhymes but no biggie the concepts you both took were pretty nice but heres my break down you both lacked in one area but overall both had some nice imagry some ok flow heres a cat break down
flow: one imagry: jtr feeling: tie they both lacked here metas: jtr overall: jtr pretty decent battle |
flow: one
imagry: jtr feeling: tie they both lacked here metas: jtr overall: jtr ^^^ agree.... JTR ur structure was like a school book not in the fourm of a rap verse which took away inmy eyes... but beside that u still won because ur verse keep me into it and wasnt actully that bad ... 7/10 |
This was a pretty sick battle, you guys both had nice flow and good imagery ( thats how you spell it.) Anyways I liked reading about both your points on this one.
But, I'm gunna go with JTR on this one only because he was the second post and he reviewed what he was up against and he couldve based his battle off that one. It was pretty evenly matched battle though good work both of yas |
No hard feelings guys, but thats some shit feed for a battle like this... I'll hit this up with some in-depth shit here in a bit.
|
One Way- loved your way of words man. your content was silly sick man. you had a nice touch this na dyou held it together with some great flow. nice way to keep me straight about you doing your thing nah mean. i thought you would lack but after reading this i see wrongfully homie and i take back my personal thought homie... anyways nice drop and i aint saying negativity nah mean... only positiveness.
JTR- anyways you dropped fully to your potential and this is one of the verse i love to read man. i loved how you came about your contents in this and your voice in this was strong dude. your flow man was on point ot me and held nicely with your word choice and rhyme scheme man. nice shit dude overall i love writtens that can touch me beyond interest more like writtens that influence and JTR got my vote |
word. thnks for the feed and votes
|
dope matchup
oneway- yeh i liked the views on what you was spitting. shit was deep, the lines really aren't anything without the faces behind them, I think you hit your message on point. flow was cool. not an extra rhymescheme but I see where you fit in the multis. I really liked the line where you said 'if your words are heard, the face behind the lines is you' a really nice little drop of insight, good stuff. JTR- so a rebuttle? lol i think you dropped pretty dope too man, I was able to follow along the whole time without a pause or anything, using em as an example was unneeded though, maybe an extra touch. I see what your saying too, you cant take the lines someone spits as a direct reflection of who they are. and that some of the underground rap that is tarnished with subpsycho lyrics shouldn't be the result of wrongs being done by people who listen to the music. damn, its hard coming to a decision between both these verses... v/JTR but props to one for starting the inspiration up |
up over closed.
|
eh, shit. I promised I'd feed this so I won't let yall down... This will be some intense feed because both of you actually dropped decent pieces, and JTR was on my power ranks, so... here it goes, I hope you guys didn't disappoint.
one way - Ok. Decent thoughtful piece, I used to write to these types of topics every week. Usually, they're a good solid topic to write to, but... you have to remember to think outside the box, because sometimes you'll find that someone else wrote about the same shit & then the voters will be like "the topic is played, i've seen it before, yadda yadda", and I NEVER like hearing that... I feel that you have some potential as far as content goes, you proved to me that you won't be stuck on some boring ass shit, you'll actually try to impress me and others with your intellect. BUT.. you did have some major flaws throughout the piece, so let me critique you to help you in the future... First off, your lines made sense, which is one of the main parts of topical writing, but another big part of it is impressing your reader and making it fun for them to read. Not downing the piece in general, but you could've made it a lot more interesting to read if you would've added internal rhyming, or multiple end rhymes, more than one syllable. Because when I see someone who has enough talent and/or skill to make their whole piece have lines packed with internals and multies, & THEN it makes sense? I can't HELP but vote for them. It just proves how much work or skill they put in their shit... I'm not trying to say you had a boring piece or that you didn't put any work forth, what I'm trying to say is this could and should be a LOT better. So, if you take this critique to heart, next week I'd love to see some internals or multies... Also, your flow was a little choppy, another reason why I believe in internals and multies, if you would've had more of them in your lines it would've read much smoother. I liked one part of it, not because of the content just an example of what I'm looking for... Quote:
This is a prime example for what I'm looking for, if you have 2 or three of them in a line it really makes your verse stand out.. Or you could just have one, and then one at your end rhyme and follow up on the next line. This writing type deal is a lot like text, just more poetic. You have your set-up lines and your punch lines, but keep in mind your telling a story. So when you write your set up line, you should be going with the story, when the punch line comes in, you should kill it and follow up with something important to the context. Its hard to master, hell I haven't even done it yet, but if you ever do learn how to write like that, you'll be unstoppable. So, thanks for showing and following the rules this week, dope shit for showing as well... I believe this is the first battle I've seen this week that the voters are really liking, and I give you both credit for that... But tremendous job on helping me out as far as following the rules.. keep doing this week in and week out, keep elevating, and you'll find yourself as a writer later on.. it does take time so don't rush it. but keep writing my man, please take my advice if you wouldn't mind... in no way I'm tryng to say i'm a better writer, just trying to help a fellow writer out... vs. JTR - Well, you actually had a weird verse to me. Lol I guess its just your style. Not that I didn't like it, just that I'm not used to it. You had the multies and internals that I was looking for, but the lack of punctuation really sturred me up while reading. I could never take a breath because you had no commas, even though I wasn't reading aloud it was buggin the shit out of me. You had a pretty good verse though, like what I expected. Another reason you're in the powerranks is because your someone the newer guys could learn something off of. Maybe you being in this league will rub off on them, maybe they'll try some of the stuff your bringing to the table, hell who knows maybe they'll elevate into a legend because YOU helped them. Feel me? But like always I'm gonna drop some advice to you that'll help you as a writer if you accept it, which is your decision. Like I said, you had a smooth flow throughout the entire verse, BUT I didn't like the fact that you were kind of all over the place. It was rather annoying because first I was trying to see your outlook on society and rap music, and then you went into a short story about lil' jack... which was dope as fuck... then you stepped out of the realness vibe I saw and said 'see I made that story up' it kinda diminished the vibe I had going... So, imo you should try to brainstorm on a specific topic. Think outside the box like I told one way. Think of all the different things 'behind the lines' could mean.. for me, it could've been the outlook on a son or daughter of a coke head... that would've been crazy if you would've ripped it.. or behind the lines could've been a drama story about a play, but there were murders and sex behind the scenes... you feel me? Idk, maybe you get what i'm tryna say.. Basically once you get used to writing about some solid shit, you'll drop consistant every week. Just keep in mind, internals and multies and flow are all a huge part of writing topicals, but another is having some deep shit, dope context or thoughts.. feel me? Anyways, I appreciate you dropping a longer verse, instead of barely staying inside of the rules like most of the others did.. hopefully it'll inspire others to do so too.. You had plenty of length to portray your thoughts, which is another plus for me.. i'm tired of seeing people who write 16 lines, then never finish their complete thought, it kind of leaves the reader wondering and stuff, not a good feeling when you spend some time out of your day to read something wanting to get an understanding out of it or a different outlook on something.. but shit, mega props for showing this week, thanks for dropping something new and being somewhat original... and huge thanks for proving me write on the powerranks... BUT you NEED to vote on two battles and edit the links into one of your posts... if not i'll have to DQ you, which would give one way the win.. I really dont want to do that after seeing all these votes and reading your shit.. but I will if I have to Overall - Dope shit both of you for dropping and keeping this forum active. Props to one way for following the rules, and just keep what I said in mind, if you would.. Props to JTR for dropping something other than 16 lines, and maybe putting some effort into it... Subtract some of those cool points JTR for not posting links so far... thats fucked up.. but anyways, both of you good job, keep your chins up, keep writing and keep this league going smoothly.. there wasn't really a loser in this match because both of you delivered on what I was looking for some way or another.... but.. unfortunatly I have to decide who this is going to.. it's kind of easy, and maybe one way will learn something after this week... v/ JTR you both did a good job.. |
word, I'll take it....lol thanks for taking the time to help me out bra.....
|
its sunday, I only vote on sundays man, Im too busy any other days, and im bout to start voting right now yo lol.
I feel what you were saying tho John, and yea I was a lil rusty to topicals, but i'm feeling great for next week now :) |
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:58 AM. |