Gizmo Guz vs Otic
 

10 lines min. 20 max
due: Thursday (get intouch with me if that wont work for your schedule. we will work it out. Also if you have problems with topics reach me.

Topic: Intellectual college student financed by being a stripper..........

checkin in...yo this is gonna be tough , i dun know bout that topic LOL...but i'll give it a shot whatever, its my first time anywayz

Penelope

Penelope only dreamt of succeeding
Knowledge pumped from her heart,
but faith was what she was really needing.
See there was a time where she did not want to go on.
Penelope turned into a different person from dusk til dawn.
She went from being a Queen to just a worthless Pawn.

Her parents passed away in her freshman year of college.
Leaving her nothing but another disadvantage.
She had no money to pay her funds....
But she did what she could to stay in school,
including using her body as an alluring tool.
She became a stripper who danced for fools.

Back on campus she was called a whore.
But she was only desperate for money and nothing more.
Men offered to pay her for sex, but she was not a prostitute.
But money was her bliss, she ended up taking the abuse.
The things that she did for just a lil' bit of money.
Because of all this , she lost track of her studies.

She was no longer a good student, she was mistreated by many men.
Through the vains of her body, she felt the power of heroine.
She looks back at happy times, and has flashbacks of her mother.
With on last breath...theres a light at the end of the tunnel.

^ aight.......waitin for otic

.................................................. ...dont no show on me otic

that was a nice piece gizmo...the name is from that story in mythology right? The one with Hades. So she went to the underworld. At least that's what I saw in it.
otic better show, this is too good to be wasted
Peace

nice piece i contacted him he said he'd show for sure
if he doesnt make it i will not be a happy man..

-1-

hgf
 

yo this his brother he forfits, he's at the hospital with namonia

Alright wow the crazy things that happen when you approach the starting line.

-1-

varentao will take Otics position he has until saturday to complete his piece good luck V.

k whatever floats ur boat...... bring it then

Re: hgf
 

Oh god. I burst out laughing when i read that.

Sorry if it's true. But sorry, i gotta be cynical this time!

So till saturday, eh? Okay, i guess. I'll try and squeeze this muh'fuker out and onto 'paper'...

Off..

o0o0oh...V youre in this now? I thought you were judging! (??)

Nah Gege. I was just a back up for Deacon.

But seeing as there were a couple of no shows. I have come in.

Not the best at dropping pieces at a drop of a hat since me channels were 'tightened' by something a year or so ago.

And time is something i am struggling for with this piece, but you kjnow something, those are all inane excuses, and void in the context of this tournament. Gi ve it my best shot!

As i emptied out my pocked i thought i'd drop what ever i've wrote so far. So if deadline comes, and it aint complete. Then at elast i have something here to be 'judged'.

Not usually much good at writing with an actual pen and paper (prefer typing, tis quicker and just flows..). But it seems like all of this will be done the 'way of the pen'...(!)..

I wrote this first stanza on the bus and then walking home this night. Would've done more, but i got distracted by an old grannie being attacked by a bunch of piranhas. She eventually got them under control, and told me quite delightfully "i'll be having fish tomorrow then, so i will...me and me 20 cats.."...i.e. i lost my thought process into the beauty of my urban surroundings and i was nearing home anyway....(er....)...anyway..



Note by note i dance to tunes of green
Played by deep desires masked in titilation
Soul leaking purpose as i slowly weep
My tears supressed to fall deep within



Off for now...

should elaborate more

dis shit iz fuckin gay.....................lmao, otics in da hospital wit nemonia (dont mind da spelling), dont mean 2 b mean but dat shit iz a fuckin coincadence....lmao!
............hope no feelings were hurt.
1-0ne-1

Tis finished! Did it on the bus, on my way from home (X2) and just chilling outside...though the finishing touches were made indoors...it’s still quite raw as it’s late, i’m nakard and i can’t be bothered to go over it again and again. But no real apparent ones. Just aint gone over it as much as i would’ve liked.



Note by note I dance to tunes of green
Played by deep desires masked in titillation
SOUL leaking purpose as i SLOWLY weep
Acidic tears supressed to fall deep within

I rose from ashes of the many that burnt
Like a phoenix amongst sparrows n crows
Through rustic bars of the rotting cage
To sing free my liberation from systems flailing

Everyday sitting in buildings of grandeur
To sharpen my PEN with words of wisdom
Spoken so true by my sage teachers
Abosrbing to heart becoming lost in it all...

I begun baring to fuse ART with RAW life
Visions of such innocence soon withered away.
Rubbing firm nipples against cold metal floor
I slither like a snake so sexy in such dirt...

Firm round cheeks to lure these beasts of man
With tongue to entice their money unto me..
“Encore” I hear a voice so strangely familiar
It’s professor he sits alone sipping scotch n rum

ECHOING satire upon irony’s merciless sword
For he saw feminist ART in it’s RAWEST form..

His WORDS resound as my next show slowly nears
“Epiphany” i say in response grabbing my FLICK knife
For this shall be final tragedy for ART to follow
To be lost in darkness where I can finally rest

Naked but for a thong that holds my trusted tool
Upon stage yet still i write moving towards my neck
They gasp, stunned, what are they to think?
Let horror ECHO within mirroring one's SOUL
"FLICK" See here the vengence of my ART

Let it be, i must let it be, i do it, right now, now, no (..)*



*IT could be two ways. One, she did it before she could write the w. Or she said ‘no’, she aint going to do it. And that’s what the no was there for..

I’ll explain the overall jist of it AFTER Deacon judges it.

Oh and Deacon. I know i did about 6-7 morelines. But i thought that as other people usually do longer lines, that it’d be okay. Is it okay? Otherwise i’ll just join some lines together. i.e. it is 30 lines or so because of the way i layed it out. To make it more reader friendly. Otherwise there'd be like 22 lines. Which could be then merged into 20.

tis all good, 1 closed till judging

G_Gizmo.Guz:
Alright this piece pretty much was straight down the line to what was asked of for this topic.. A young women deprived of a family and lack of funds for college turns to something degrading such as stripping to possibly form the path to her future
(eductation= the better life).......This had alot of meaning and gave a great understanding as to the point that was being made but lacked orginality and possible openings for imagery use.....
Some lines that i enjoyed...

"Penelope only dreamt of succeeding
Knowledge pumped from her heart,
but faith was what she was really needing.
See there was a time where she did not want to go on.
Penelope turned into a different person from dusk til dawn.
She went from being a Queen to just a worthless Pawn"

this first verse was great it ended with a great metaphor"She went from being a Queen to just a worthless Pawn"...
this verse shows how people go to great lengths to get what they want even if its something they would have never thought of doing....

Another meaningful line---

She was no longer a good student, she was mistreated by many men.
Through the vains of her body, she felt the power of heroine.
She looks back at happy times, and has flashbacks of her mother.
With on last breath...theres a light at the end of the tunnel.

Alot of truth in this verse.....Many resort to drugs to deal with a poor lifestyle...even though this girl was mistreated by herself and by others she still remembered the good times with her family. it brough closure with in herself. It gave hope for a better life on the other side of death

nice piece filled with great thoughts im giving this piece a (7)

varentao:
Wow V you really suprised me with your piece even though its late and im tired i will prevail and finish ME duties on this messageboard.......

First i'd like to say you exicuted the whole first person thing perfectly--the imagery alone in the first verse was just WOW....

"Note by note I dance to tunes of green
Played by deep desires masked in titillation
SOUL leaking purpose as i SLOWLY weep
Acidic tears supressed to fall deep within"

Its ironic for a lady to totally hate what she's doing yet by doing so she is totally making others happy....This is real life for many young women now days and sadly many women except it for what it is..which is a shame..anyways

back to you:

The way you brought art into the whole picture was fasinating along with the transition between her studies and job...

"I begun baring to fuse ART with RAW life
Visions of such innocence soon withered away.
Rubbing firm nipples against cold metal floor
I slither like a snake so sexy in such dirt..."

Wow i loved the imagery of this verse. "I slither like a snake so sexy in such dirt..." Isn't that the truth those dance floors are nothing but dirt.....


Skipping along since i've spent far tooo many hours on these poems but hey its all good.......

the last lines....
"Naked but for a thong that holds my trusted tool
Upon stage yet still i write moving towards my neck
They gasp, stunned, what are they to think?
Let horror ECHO within mirroring one's SOUL
"FLICK" See here the vengence of my ART"

See what something like this can do to a person..And im positive people really feel like this--NO my sis nor mom is a stripper but still who could deal with it.....You ended it perfectly with every emotion needed. This was for sure a favorite piece in this round..
(9)

Final: varentao goes to next round--wow what rush great job to the both of you.

-1-

Heh, thanks man.

It may have been done in a short space of time. And kind of rushed. I was just writing all that night, got to sleep real late.

So now i'll tell some of the meanings.

How approaching it with intellect and art can blow up in your face in such a hard hitting and powerful way. Once the 'blunt' reality becomes clear. Ironically, the 'intellect' adding to the weight of this reality...adding to downside of it all...

..and also it was mean to keep guessing all the way through, whether all this was just in her mind...the part about her hating it so much, her professor showing up...you know, the whole mind-set that was created about her hating what she did. Like she had come from such a horrible place (the 'ghetto' if you would..)..and tragedy always followed everything she did...and 'art' always followed her tragedy...so she got 'addicted' to it in some twisted way...and so went deep into it all to keep 'it' going...but the insanity finally got on top of her, and she ended up with knife in hand...but then even that part could've been her trying to create 'it'...you know, she never was gonna do it...just bring it right to the edge...or, it did get totally on top of her, and got herself truly immersed in it...and she was (or of course, DID) going to do it...DID because as explained, the no couldve been her saying no, or killing herself before writing the w...the insanity of it all...(how mixing art and/or intellect with raw kind of extreme reality like this, usually destroys or puts one on the brink of destroying themselves....if they surviv, taking years, if not decades to mend their souls, hearts n minds...blah!)..

..anyway, i would explain more. Elaborate if you would. But i don't even think i explained much with what i wrote above. Just woke up, so mind is kind of here and there. But i tihnk you get the basic jist of it. Thought i'd explain a part of it, you know, cos it's quite easy to see it for just what it was...

..resp..

nice job var.... well this was my first poetry tourny so itz all good.... BIg upz man and goood luck!

appreciated Gizmo...

...read your piece just now. Was nice, real nice. Did you recognise something? We both killed (well mine was 50-50, shje could've or could not have killed herself in the end..it's left open to intepretation) our characters off...interesting...(!)...

good luck varentao....

Luck? LUCK? LUCK YOU SAY?!?!

"er..yes.."..


Okay, thanks nitty..

Congratulations Varentao..I knew you'd do well. Your verse was absolutely brilliant. I honestly shuddered when I read the part about her own professor watching her. Nice writez. You just MAY win this thing! hehe. Good luck, pz.

heh, same ol' cocky Gege...*shakes head..*..(!!)...

..nah, only kidding...appreciated..

..and i see myself as the underdog in all this. As siad before, aint been too good at dropping pieces to what other people set in justr like that for a while now...

You know, i like to let it flow, take it as it comes...methinks i'm in for a batterinfg in the next round..

I'm going for Necro or Gege. Necro cos i want the darkside to win for once..and i think Deacon understands quite a lot of the stufgf he writes...

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