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-   -   Painfull Rain (http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=54687)

Dadi Kewl 06-06-03 01:10 PM

Painfull Rain
 
(Rain begins to fall gently)
If you can...just listen...

I’m standing in front of you with my hands tucked away
head propped towards heaven because I cant look you in the face
male pride wont allow me to show my tears but deep inside, I cant control it
so I let the rain run down my cheeks...I feel so hopeless
Now I look down into a puddle in front of you
before I continue to speak, I look myself in the eye saying ‘Now what am I gonna do?’
all I can do is reminisce on all the wonderful times we’ve shared
I remember first laying eyes on you, I couldn’t help but stare
I couldn’t have cared ~ about anyone else more than you, I wish you would have believed in me
I cant live without you, and because of an argument your leaving me!?...
(Lightning bolt flashes. Clap of a soft echoing thunder follows.)
(More Tears well up)
I remember that night that changed my life, you walked out the door and never came back
the fight was petty, I wish I could have treated you better, loved lacked
I was insensitive, uncaring, cruel to your needs, I couldn’t blame you for packing
but all I could care about was watching those stupid athlete's
we used to be their for each other when it came to everything - we grew together
my world always shined with you in it, now its nothing but gloomy winter weather
(Rain picks up)
I’m just letting you know it’ll be hard to find someone like you, and since I probably wont see you again
I want to take this gold locket I was waiting to surprise you with on our anniversary next weekend
inside is a picture of us on our first date when we went into that one picture booth
(Shaking, he wipes a tear with a clenched fist out of anger)
Ha ha, I don’t know how many times we smooched between each shoot
(He reaches to put it around her neck)
No refusal, just take it
Look at it as symbolic of our past friendship, I hope you never forsake it
I hope wherever you go, you never forget about us an what we had when one
I never meant to hurt you and make you feel you had to run
(Voice begins breaking)
I cant stand in front of you anymore, seeing you now is a weakness
can you please grant me one last kiss???
(He leans over and kisses her)
Thank you for being my one and only
never in my whole entire life have I felt so lonely
Well...Good bye love...
I wish I could give you one last hug
(Starts crying heavily as the rain gets heavier and loud in collusion)
(He shouts)
Ill never forget that knock on the door that forever changed my life...
(He collapses to his knees)

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when I opened the door to the message, ‘we regret to inform you your wife died tonight...’

ILLusions 06-06-03 01:16 PM

I felt this one, i like it. It had feeling and meaning..........I know when I was at my Uncle's funeral I wrote a poem in my mind about things.......that is at a time when you aren't holding anything back. Nice drop.....keep posting...........

Dadi Kewl 06-06-03 01:20 PM

Thanx this is the first in a series of post's i'ma make here
Cos this is my first poem dropped on this site, but i've got loads
of poetry written down so i'ma post em up.

-peace-

Dadi Kewl 06-06-03 04:02 PM

Uppin..

a-g 06-06-03 04:03 PM

that shit was hard nice shit man

LiL DruNkie 06-06-03 05:12 PM

oh shit man.i love this piece.shivers ran through my body when i read the last line.is it a true story?

Dadi Kewl 06-06-03 07:29 PM

Nah it's not tru but i tried to show alot of emotion in it

Dadi Kewl 06-07-03 07:05 AM

Uppin

The-Legacy 06-07-03 08:08 AM

WoW
That was a great piece very deep, emotional
you had good wordplay and the content was great

Quote:
when I opened the door to the message, ‘we regret to inform you your wife died tonight...’


The end was geat almost made me cry.......snif sniff,

Niceone dawg keep it goin

-OnE-

~RuThLEss~ 06-07-03 10:58 AM

DAMN FAM this wus deep and emotional didnt know u had poetic visions........Nce drop

PleDge 06-07-03 11:20 AM

aww man that ending was really ill.......shook me up....deep deep peace fam..keep it up

Miguel 06-07-03 12:28 PM

that was cool--you portray a story very well--much luv--- peace

Dadi Kewl 06-08-03 07:05 PM

Uppin...............

Maven 06-09-03 09:21 PM

damn libb, this was amazing. I don't think you should've put the explanation at the end(the whole poem...) it really got rid of imagination. and inference.
holy shit it had me goin though, really great piece.
One

Reno Starr 06-09-03 10:10 PM

Very deep man, I will never look at the rain the same way again without remebering your work. Good Job, cant wait to see some more of ya poems if this one was this good.

Dadi Kewl 06-11-03 07:39 PM

^Uppin^

varentao 06-17-03 08:50 PM

A powerful piece. One that was long, yet kept the reader glued to it.

Structured it fairly well. Thought once or twice it tailed off a BIT, not a lot, but a bit. Also a bit bumpy in way the emotions flowed once or twice. But not really anything to 'write home about' (whatever relevance that has to art/poetry or whateveri dunt know,.but you get the point...)...

...very nice...very nice..

...resp...

SmoothCrmnl 06-18-03 05:02 PM

eh dawg yo written word is too tyte... keep droppin

emotion was felt - nice wordplay

da hunnet son

shiznit 06-18-03 09:44 PM

daaaaaaaaaamn...the emotions from this piece is deeply overwhelming...the finisher was the best..knowing for a fact that somethings are quite unexpected.....

the flow of this poem is smooth...well written...props for this!

nice job! I love it...very strong!

BFire 07-18-03 05:48 PM

nice 1...used good emotion and nice structure..overall gr8 job

dice-roller 07-18-03 06:01 PM

I liked it dawg.... it was very deep and emotional for being
unrela and created in ur dead. props to ya on it...............
.................................................. ........................................
check out mine "sad story" thanks balla
pz

Dadi Kewl 07-20-03 10:27 PM

Legend, what do you think.................??

Ajax 0042 07-30-03 01:38 PM

tha shit was deep good wordplay n the content was excelent nice drop keep spittin


respect

GaNgStA_JaKe841 11-07-03 05:04 PM

damn man that was ill i really felt that 1 i can't wait to hear more of your flowskeep writing...............

Explict 11-07-03 09:58 PM

it was aiight. u can do better

Split-eyez 11-08-03 10:10 AM

wow man, deep ill piece
the end was just amazing
keep droppin
luv to read some more shit from ya
sickness

DaGyrlRemarqabL 11-08-03 11:13 AM

hey..
Great piece here...Incerdible imagery and intriguing story line...Very captivating, and it's always great when you have one concept in your head the whole time you're reading and then the last line comes and changes all of that...

Great piece..
Stay up..


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