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Deacon vs Varentao
Round 2
15 Line Min. 25 Line Max. Check In: Monday, September 15th. Due: Saturday, September 20th. Topic: Never Again |
WOW. D vs V interesting.....they both suck!!!!!!.............................
........this.............was..............mychecki n................................................. ...................... -1- |
Hmmm..*strokes stubbly coming onto hairy chin*...interesting indeed...
...i wonder whether this is over 100 characters....might as well check... |
Never Again: Haunting Remorse
Never Again: Haunting Remorse
In streets of darkness, Where i walk.. Lie lonely paths, With thoughts, From past... That stalk, My mind, To distort, Some more... Jerking, Tugging, Pulling her strings.. To motions so poetic, Creating temporal bliss.. Blind to lies that rode her dry, Left here to reminisce time gone by.. Truth now torments to growing decline.. Each step, Cold, Echoing regrets, Untold... Stories wept, Unfold, from upset, Moulds... |
Saw a mountain,
Witnessed the ocean Tree's so tall they stole the sky...... Talked for hours they pass quickly The sea and cake convinced me Eye's wide with pride I cry An emotion or physical feeling- A pain although i keep breathing look at this beautiful scenery.. for this moment then Never again...... |
Woah... you guys brought total contrast to the same topic. I mean, varentao, your peice just seemed so sinister and spooky. But deacond, you're seemed like a beautiful painting that'll never be seen again.
Anyway, these were both bottle breaking styles, and as such are a bitch for technical merits. But lead to some extreme expression. Um... that's all I wanted to say. ~Shalom~ |
i've gotta give my vote to verentao on this one, it was written so short and sharp. it sounding like someones thought process who was slightly out of his tree, and you managed to convey a whole event in just a few wellk placed words and lines. i've gotta give deacon some credit as well, it WAS pretty close, but your poem was a little too vague in content for my tastes.
vote- varentao |
Hmmm interesting Vague in content for my taste.....
"i've gotta give deacon some credit as well, it WAS pretty close, but your poem was a little too vague in content for my tastes." I really dont know you but i will say you should put more input in your reasoning. My poem wasn't vague i actually thought it was pretty understandable..Now i feel like an ass for complaining but this was a half assed vote.. Anyways thanks for the one sentence of criticism.....I'll go write a paper on its Content!!! -1- |
This is definitely a close one. Thats why i think Dagyrl havent voted on this yet.
The fact that varentao gave a definite unique scheme made his piece more refined. Complexity of its content seemed a very much reflection of a feeling from the past. LIke memories haunting the mind. Imagery of emptiness and the whole echoed lines rushed it through the end. Very impressive. Deacon on the other hand...executed his lines through a picture. It would just be there but at the same time its gone from its vision. Its like haunted death and the beauty of the world would never be seen again. A Remorsed Farewell. I am not sure why johnny said the content was vague.(maybe thats how his perspective on it..I respect it.) but as i see it...it was very much self explanatory. A lost haunted vision blurred through time. TO be honest...i really think this is the hardest one to judge so im just gonna say goodluck. Brilliant pieces guys. |
~Shiznit~
. I am not sure why johnny said the content was vague.(maybe thats how his perspective on it..I respect it.) he should not judge...Camarac should judge..more openminded |
Y'know its not every tourny the original judges LEAVE right in the middle of the damn thing..Kind of leaves everyone else a little fucked up..
Everyone is complaining about Johnny... I dont know what to do... and I dont know how ill pick between Deacon and Varentao.. But i do know im never being a judge again.. *dies* Ill get back to this tonite. |
Dagyrl no worries.....i know what its like.....i felt weird complaining about it. maybe im the cold shoulder here..anyways i trust yours and phrantiks judgements.......good luck......nice verse V
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In a way, both are vague. The style of the pieces mean they need to be dug into.
Johnny's critique/judgment should be more extensive, i agree. And i dunno what this does for his credibility as a judge. I guess you got to leave that up to Gege to decide... A very nice piece deacon. Awash with imagery. Damn, my arms are aching from bringing this heavy pillar back home from the city centre. Uneven and all. So i'm off for now... |
do you guys want me to judge this or not?
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I'd rather live with this vote than confuse dagyrl so really its up to her............................................... ..........................................
-1- |
How nice of you^!
Fortunately, I wont make you live with that vote.. It's important that everyone feels they are being fairly judged, and Johnny's critiquing (or lack there of) just wasn't cuttin' it. Camarac will be judging (assuming he agrees to), So all of Johnny's votes thus far will be DISREGARDED. This battle is 0-0 right now. |
Alright. .
Varentao - A nice take on the topic, i loved the imagery used in it & with such few words, and how it was kinda stop / start added to its intensity for me. You really caught the feeling of the topic and portraid it in this piece, it gave it an eerie atmosphere to it, nice take on the tooic. . Deacon - You really caught me off guard with that verse! I kind of expected you to follow suit and go for the same kinda take on it as Varentao, but you flipped it nicely, the piece wasnt vivid to me, i loved the imagery in it, you really got indepth with the description of the picture and i liked that, again, a 'minimalist' piece as id call it, saying so much in so few words, but it was a great piece. Overall - i really liked both verses, two different takes on the topic but both really original, i got into Deacon's one of the painting, the imagery in them both was top notch but thinking back to the topic, Varentao's verse summed it up more for me, his emotion, atmosphere, imagery, just the piece as a whole really conveying it for me. Sorry deacon, this was a harsh battle, both wrote good pieces, but my vote:Varentao Pz. |
Well...I've avoided judging this long enough, now..
You both are always very original, and it was a pleasure reading these verses..but only one can move on. Varentao~ I loved your piece, everything about it. The imagery was great, based on the first couple of sentences alone, I had in my head a scene kind of like one out of Michael Jackson's "thriller" video..(except without the dancing corpses and all that junk). Kind of a ghostly, or like Cam said, "eerie" vibe to it, and great choice of words, >In streets of darkness, Where i walk.. Lie LONELY paths, With thoughts, From past... That STALK, My mind, To DISTORT, Some more... all added to the vibe of this piece. >Jerking, Tugging, Pulling her strings.. To motions so poetic, Creating temporal bliss.. Blind to lies that rode her dry, Left here to reminisce time gone by.. Truth now torments to growing decline.. From this part, we kind of fall into this guy's state of reflection, we go into his memory for a brief moment, but in such a small time we are able to see almost exactly why he is here on this "lonley path" and why is increasingly becoming more distressed... >Blind to lies that rode her dry, I especially loved that line. >Each step, Cold, Echoing regrets, Untold... Stories wept, Unfold, from upset, Moulds... ^This was a superb ending, great impactful structure, no words were wasted, each one used perfectly..The 'never again' theme of the piece, despite its place in the title, is indirectly portrayed, which I like, the reader can take its own from it and see how it incorporates to them. Very emotional, very powerful, very beautifully written...very well done! Deacon~ >Saw a mountain, Witnessed the ocean Tree's so tall they stole the sky...... It's amazing, the imagery here..When I was reading a had a whole mixture of colors in my head, yet you mentioned none in these stanzas or in the whole verse... >Talked for hours they pass quickly The sea and cake convinced me Eye's wide with pride I cry This is a sad part...and it leads us on nicely to the last stanza.. >An emotion or physical feeling- A pain although i keep breathing look at this beautiful scenery.. for this moment then Never again...... I loved this ending..A great way to close everything.."An emotion or physical feeling", very open line, which I like..You know the speaker's time is running out, but it is up to you to decide why...Maybe he had 24 hours to live, then again maybe he's getting ready to serve a life sentence in jail..The last 2 lines were very powerful, kind of makes you think how much we take for granted the beauty in life..and how much we'd miss it if we didn't have it. Very nice job, Deac. Both of these were very short! Though none were really lacking, I feel like I got more out of Varentao's verse, more present and more past, if that makes and sense..Deacon, you did a great job, and you had an excellent concept! but it just seemed like you had 10 lines left over, which you shunned, but really could have used, to develop more strongly, the nature or the circumstance/situation of the speaker...Like "I saw a mountain, witnessed the ocean"...was kind of blunt. I want to be able to read this and know what the ocean looks like, even if I've never been to the beach...same with the mountains..You could of (and with very few words, at that) given a little more detail to what it was that moved you about each scene. I think that would have made your piece more effective, and is the reason I'm voting for Varantao. He drew me more into his verse with more details, in such few simple words still, more background and a tad more emotion. Nice job by both of you, though. VOTE: VARENTAO |
Bladdy hell. Well deacon, as said before, i was taken aback by your imagery.
I liked that both were short. It shows one of the esssence's of poetry. Poems don't need to be long. Compression is key in a sense. |
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