a world so cold...
 

i wrote this awhile ago, its topic is hidin and means what you want it too mean, as in can be put to make sense of most situations... leave some good feed back and take this in what ever way suits you best....



..resp..




This is my life; it’s not what it was before, holding the fire well with in
With the desire to serve, my people and those of self-determination, by existence or demise…
Gone threw the mist to the other side to pursue the entrance in the field leading the way
Like wind threw an open door with the honor of those who have fallen before us
The light is so bright I cannot bare, for those who have fallen before me shall lead the way
Threw the great halls were the pure shall stay looking over a world so cold were all the trust is gone
Were children are crying, neglected, it’s a time were a person should hold the hand of there best friend.
For I am now lost in the feelings of the pure and the immorality, were life and death blend…
Now is where we should stand, against this hate and rage bottled with the fire of self domination...
By existence or demise, those who resist are those who we should follow,
For in a world so cold all the trust that once existed is all but gone to the shallows of self nobility
For I am on the outside looking in, to a life were dreams are not lived but demised by those seeking power
Not the one thing of which rules life, the one thing that makes all other cares non-existent…
In a world so cold, natives only care for ones self, and not the well being of a neighbor
For our great nation is crumbling, to meet its demise, I can see it in the sky, I feel it in the wind,
And I see it in the people, for the people is what we shall entrust to pull us out of our misfortune
Will they be conquered by greed for the power of ones self, or shall they collaborate to benefit all….







©Suburban Entertainment 2003 all rights reserved

uppin fo some feed.. nothin by dumbass newbs tho, someone who knows their shit on poetics....




..resp..

im not a dumbass noob......but im not sha if i can say i "kno my shit" but i do kno a lil bit bout poetry...i like this it was good...an it did leave the mind to ask wut the true meaning is.....but the picture it paints best for me is war...nuthin involvin other countries but sum shit on the block...but thas juss my own head...reel good....nuthin id book mark an read in the mournin but nuthin to sleep on....reel good...all there is to do is elevate....stay up an breathe easy.....-shi-

i also do know alot about poop. i feel i have a indept knowledge of the matter (lol. nah really though, ya peice was a real eye opener of lives darkside. we all tend to see this from time 2 time. i must say i didnt get the line on how those that fell before ya would lead the way. i would think after one fall youd pick 'em up and pursuit 2gether, but 2 each their own. B ya had alot of raw thought in this and if ya tookk ya time i think ya could be alot better so stay active
:)
also holla back at this old dog ill even post the link so its moe convient
peAce
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=83585

somewhat good feedback... would like someone with so more experience, but thatnx for the feed, evilbombsquad ill hit your drop up later on this afternoon... ModestlyShi sarcasim, likin it...


uppin

uppin for a lil feed...

can a guy get some feedback....

Hmmmm...

YOu certainly brough forth an atmosphere. Using strong yet kind of simple imagery to good effect.

It was a strong sociological analysis to me. One which also contained a fair amount of cynicism. And a lot of yearning..

At times i felt you over elaborated. Certain words didn't link up well. And therefore fell akward.

But overall, it was good. I liked it..

...resp...

thanks for the feed, i to agree it was a little akward with some of the word usage, thought it was just me



..resp..

last up for seome decent feedback....

This piece shouldn't be slept on, you had a really good concept hidden it there B, i really felt it. I suppose it painted a picture of war, i could imagine the children crying as the bombs fell, and the soldiers in the trenches. Its wierd coz often the meanings of poems are not clear, they can be deciefered in different ways, which i think is true with this piece. The topic of war is a played one, but i think you made this uniquly yours as in you didnt write the normal shit that every other fucka writes on the subject.

good drop

respect

thanks man, nice feed much appreciated...



..resp..

B, I have read your work before, but this is such a contrast from your style of writting, as I know it. This piece is rather mature in message, although hastily worded. I mean for such a powerful message, the vocab seems to be lacking in certain areas. As if it was pieced together in a rush or sampled from other works. This could be intentional, which would tell me you are looking to shadow the verbage behind the content, or give it a dynamic that most poets do not incorperate in thier work. It's more an approach of an auther trying to compel and retain his audience in the early stages of his work, then ever so sutle, bring the literary pace up to his liking. Either way, I think the message here is not open to interpetation, but one that the author hopes is reflected in the response to his work. Why tell your audience your directin prior to them expressing their own understanding. It's much more satisfying for the poet to recieve feedback along the lines of his very own intentions with the piece. So this is why I think you want some solid feedback from those you consider insightful and or poeticaly aware. I am not now or ever will claim to be poetically inclined but I do appreciate a good piece for what it makes me feel during the read. I see this as a question to all, the auther seems to be pleading with his audiance, he wants to uderstand what he can not.

Why a nation untied is so largely divided. Why do those who live next door to atrocity do nothing. Why is it that unless ones self is treatend bothered or harmed, does one not concern him or her 'self'? Why is it that so many have made the ultamate sacrifice, for the good of all, yet all will not sacrifice for the good of few? Why is a nation held in such contemp and mis trust, when the very same nation has restored order and preserved humanity in the past. Why are we at war internally, conflicted as brothers and split on partisian resolve. I hear a young mind asking all these questions and begging for people to contemplate the same.

This what I got out of the piece, I have read many similar one's on the patriotic web sites, but usually they are more politically ai8med. This one seems to be aimed at the ideology of people and the civil unrest stiring in the background.
Can you sample the air and wind, taste the spoils of a split resolve. Is there cival war going on in the form of those narcisitic ideologies of preservation of oneself as opposed to the preservation of ones people. I belive there is, but do you? We can go on and on here, but note this, you have raised my eye brawl. I do not raise my eye brwl for just any simplistic idea, but if you are writting along these line, it's a relevant and profound concern. I have been argueing this for some time now, but I wil leave that alone for now. Great peice but I really think you know what it's message is, your just waiting for someone to touch on it.

Much respect. I will hit you up later, I have been very busy as of late. I have been contributing to many web sites and national debates, so as for now, my time on RB is very limited.

wel i guess theres not much i can say after bouncedoggydog replied, he said about everything there is to say about this piece, although im not a newbie to poetic scriptures or open mic, so my insight would have been welcome, just needed better vocab but really that wasnt even bad so this piece all in all was just tight, keep droppin and elevatin.~1~

bounce your right, i was waiting for someone to tuch on it, and what you think is my message is correct, that is why i wanted you to hit this up, i knew you would get my message....


thanks much on the feed bouncegreatly appreciated, and DiverseSyndicate hard postin up after bounce, but i apprecite your feed too, and i think it could have used better vocab, it seemed to fade out in a spot or too, did it in a hurry, like bounce guessed....



..much much respect...

Re: a world so cold...
 

the highlights: Good images
image needs work
good vocab
up the vocab
good line
needs something

ok on the vocab it isnt really bad...it isnt complex because that would kill the piece...i think something would be lost if you weighed this down with needless theasurasized words....

the topic of this piece was on top it was clear that you need to think about it but that made it great

Vocab- one of the most important aspects of poetry....with the right vocab you can make the simplest sentence beautiful....you can turn "the moon rose in the sky" into "the full white moon ascended gloriously into the desolete heavens and claimed a place in the stars" not the best example but you understand what im saying....i mean if you absolutly have to then use a thesourus but only as a last resort....adjectives give words color, feeling, texture, emotions, and three demensions.....use them wisely and you'll go far....

emotion- can easily be gained by finding a topic that fits....a topic that allows for emotion and i think that by chosing a creative topic and making it not as obvious you've added a bit of elevated complexity to this piece

topic- ok this is the big thing....a noob would start with an open ended topic to start...something easy to get inspired....take that topic and narrow it down and take it in a new creative way....as i told someone once when he was going to write about the after life i said first you need to pick a side heaven or hell.....so he was going to do hell and i said that you need to take it and put your own spin on it....give YOUR version of hell...what do you see....just sit and imagine...is hell good or evil...tourture? pain? cries? longing? you just need to think of these things to help direct your writing....even silly topics can be amazing poems as long as you be creative about it....take it from a different angle.....the common thing for hell would be fire...so take it and make it ice or something...just be original....thats the key is the originality and i think you def hit it this time

sound divices- are also helpful in creating flow....and rhytme...you may not see it until you read it out loud....but use alliteration and consenence and rhyme (carefully) and metaphores and similies....all help elevate a piece...i didn't see many but maybe they were subtle and didnt catch the eye but i dont think that this really needed any more concentration on rhyme an such

regarding rhyme- ok my point of view im not a big fan of rhyming the last words of a line...most of the time it comes out forced.....and even if it isnt supposed to be dont make urself a slave to the rhyme scheme....and thank you for not really being held back by rhyme

the main thing is never feel that your writing is bad....you may be new to writing but poetry is open to inturprettation...even some of the best poets may not be liked by certain people...never doubt yourself....you will write pieces u love and ones you hate but always work...even midnyte will tell you that theres always room for crit.....

if you take anything from this...take this....WRITE FROM YOUR HEART......one of the best net poets ive met once said to me something along the lines of i dont get why people like my work i just write what i feel.....(sorry if misquoted) but thats what makes great poetry...write about what you feel....if your angry write it down....express your emotions through words...pour your heart on to paper and set emotion in stone....

i hope that this helped you some...im not claiming to be the best poet because im not...and im not proclaiming to know it all cuz i dont....but you asked for some real feed an i laid it down str8 up