This is my life (really dope peice)
 

Yo I'm a just try and keystyle somethin bout my life. All feedback is appreciated.


The day was 2nd June 1987/
I was born into a hell when it should of been heaven/
Up to the age of five I was a happy child....now it seems my heart has been severed/
From that age on it's been nothin but stormy weather....that's why when I rap I don't intend to say shit mild/
It all started when my parents were arguein....none of 'em realised I was standin at the top of the stairs all the while/
I still have nightmares bout that day....it was so fuckin wild/
Dad I saw you storm out the door and you never came back....you say you love me but how do I know your not in denial/
That vision effected me....what else d'ya think makes me punch the bathroom tiles and wanna tear up my moms work files/
Just to make things worse....you were'nt there when I found out my school teacher was a peodophile/ (incase he touched me)
The only time you've been there for me is when my hero, uncle Harry died/
You asked me if I was Ok, I said yeah fine....but you knew I lied/
I can't get over your death Harry....even tho I've tried/
It was July 14th 2002, the pearly gate's opened up for you/
I can picture it now....you strollin right through/
Save me a place with you and the lord coz one day I'll be joinin you/
I remember me and you up late watchin the sport/
I loved your house dawg....it was my castle, my fort/
Every week I'd munch on the snacks you had bought, drink your cups of tea and know you'll always watch over me/
Nothins changed....your still a part of me and visions of the good times we had is what I see/
I know you'll be proud no matter what I turn out to be/
Since your death so much shit has happened to me/
I've lost friends, battled depression, suffered an ankle injury and had picket signs held up at me/
Dawg who woulda thought my school would protest against me over somethin I said/
That shit was hard....every night I lay awake in my bed/
Damn....durin that time I just wanted to be dead/
But look at me now....slowly I'm growin stronger/
I cant wait to see you again coz they say absence makes the heart grow fonder/.


Harry Whitfield (R.I.P)
This is for you dawg.....I miss you

tight piece, it seemed to be more of a poetic piece but it was still ill, you had good vocab,good imagery, real emotion felt, all real life shit, only thing u lacked is your rhyme scheme, it skipped around too much, you should slow down your rhyme scheme, when your words rhyme to too many different things in a sentence then it sounds kinda throwed,but other than that this piece was real ill kid, keep droppin tha hotness,hit my piece up if you could.~1~

dope
rhyme scheme cudda been played abit better with some multis or internals, but the message was soo deep, it didnt need any. mad this was a great piece, flow cudda been better, more like poetry to me. really deep str8 4rom da mind, keep uppin

Uppin for feedback.

Thanks for the comments guys (and girls - ayura)

Uppin for feedback

Uppin for feedback

It seemed heartfelt and emotional, but the flow was off, you could tell it was keyed together quickly, it lacked structure / imagery / transition / writers voice / word choice, multi's and internals wouyld of spiced it up a little. but yeah, dont try for keystyles, plan a piece out first and work from that, try to keep the lines roughly 12-16 syllables in length and work on your multi's.

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I think this is your best piece yet, the style in which it is written is excellent, the flow changes yet remains fluid, there are times when unexpected rhyme schemes pop up and then it reverts back to the simple rhythm.... all in all, one of the best I've read here on Open Mic. Good Job

Thanks for the comment

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Emotional....Just like my peice...
Your flow was al ittle hard to follow, it would probably be better on audio....
Vocab good, could up it a little though. Good topic though, it was a good read and i went through till the end. I can feel your emotions. Keep yo head up, keep things real. Nice peice
overall- 8/10

Thanks for the comments....keep them comin

yo i think ur shit was ill dawg,shit was str8 from the heart.thats where the best shit comes from.poetry or flow its all the same to me it becomes what it becomes,anyways i dug it yo it made a lotta sense unlike some of this other junk on here ive been seein people write.yo im out.

Thanks for the comment. I'm gettin mixed opinions on this one!

emotional!! i liked the story and the realness behind it. like someone said up above....you can tell it was just keyed in be-cuz of the format but that shit was tight anywayzz..

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nice piece, once again, you should do something with it man,... ya got some great skills.
Sometimes the flow was off, but ya got it all together and made this a dope piece filled with a lot of emotions. It kept me reading and reading.
Keep yo head up dawg,
resp

Thanks

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It's personal, so I can't say it was weak... but the vocab needs work an you need to structure your work better

apart from that good peice an keep em' comming.

Ok thanks

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feedback
 

that was my fav line of the piece, overall was a descent piece showed emotion throughout as does all real life pieces... flow was off alot in many places probably because you were tryin tow ork out shit in your head and didnt even think about it too much anyways it was a good drop, plz return the fav and reply to my Rules of the Game (link in my sig)
all in all this piece could of been better but the amount of things you covered made it an alright piece

Yo thanks for the comment and I agree bout the flow but it was difficult to link everythin together. Everythin written down is the truth which also made it difficult to write in a way coz it brought up bad memory's but thanks for the comment anyway