RapVerse.com Community - LLL Mag... Week 5

JournaLLL: Week Five - Critique Week

[ Introduction. ]

I've put off the publication of this week's magazine for days. Now, as I sit down at 9:30 on the eve of Halloween, I hope to convey progression exemplified. I must say, the talent level has picked up in the last week or two, so I expect the best.

[ Match Reviews ]

Horud Skys v. Miami305 (Entry Match)
Summary
I s'pose I could find potential in the both of you, but you will need to work at it. First off, lose the damned asterisks, Miami. If we don't understand your punches without them, then you need to reword them so we do. You need some fresh concepts, I feel you could've done something good with that Camp Jim idea. As for Horud, your concepts and overall prowess seems to have evolved faster than Miami's. Reword your punches and find a more complicated flow and you'll be at the top.

Highlights
Miami305: "Watch you Cheer, Jump! for joy, when Evolve said, your in, trying to elevate?
Too bad RB ain't, Camp Jim, but sadden yet true you are in, LLL, 1st round, lose it"

Horud Skys: "This kid is Dead In the Veiwers Eyes like Frozen Games trien to load.
But What Good is It To Diss a Kid That Has Problems listing his Area Code"

Tu Centz v. Dimense
Summary
Two up and coming writers provided a match that was a lot closer than the voters made it. Tu Centz 'ought to develop some more cunning personal punches; they'll come once you start spending more time on your piece. Dimense was purely impressive and, if anything, could use some fresher metaphors.

Highlights
Tu Centz: ""I'm Wack" <--- Most Educated Idea In Ya Thought Process.. Right On Dude
Shit..... I'll Open Up The Blinds Just To Shine Some Light On You!"

Dimense: "Think u can win?..Get off the dick and ride the hope
Face it Centz..ur like rehab centers..a far cry from dope"

Chrit v. COM (Do or Die Match)
Summary
Again, the outcome should have been a lot closer. In fact, my vote would have gone to COM; but, that's another story for another day. Both had some quality one-liners, as well as some pure filler. Chrit needs personals whilst COM needs a bit more than racial innuendo - hint: white jokes are played.

Highlights
Chrit: "Another bye week... I'll act like I read ya shit and sigh now...
Leave this white kid cut quicker than at basketball tryouts..."

COM: "The dirty sheets in your pic meant to make you look ghetto?
Couldn't be part of the street if you hung from a ledge and let go"

Bribeone1 v. Feeble Minded
Summary
A recurring theme, the outcome should definitely have been a lot closer. Bribe is improving weekly whilst Feeble Minded continues to surprise me. As for critique, Bribeone could use some improvements in flow while Phoebe should employ some wordplay into his pieces.

Highlights
Bribeone1: "His name changes and tries to b other people.
if ya gassed up I punch hard enough... to really alter egos."

Feeble Minded: "im fast -past.. bribe, ya hopes denied, i'll rope ya hide
be like ya crews holes & truly leave u open wide!"

13th Disciple v. Twizzle Sticks (Do or Die Match)
Summary
Again :rolleyes:, a lot closer than the votes would indicate. . 13th upped his game whilst Twizzle Sticks showed some signs of potential. I'd recommend that 13th Disciple worked on vocabulary and word choice & Twizzle worked on eliminating filler. For example, if a line lacked a syllable or two, you seemed prone to fill the void with the word "fucking."

Highlights
13th Disciple: "u lack game..u been clubbed...a joker...a queen...reshuffle ur deck
heard this was a walk in da park,i'm just following there footsteps"

Twizzle Sticks: "...Doesn't matter what alias, got no doubt I'm gonna win,
If victory was the bible, then disciple...you'd be lost in sin..."

Evolve v. Mystik Mind
Summary
Evolve lived up to his potential for once & dropped a sweet verse; Mystik Mind is steadily improving & needs to critique a few things before being considered elite. There isn't much to critique for Evolve, aside from some weak name drops. Mystik Mind needs to incorporate a wee bit more wit into his lines develop some more complex rhyme schemes.

Highlights
Evolve: "Understand this.. he CAN'T be the best the league is gettin
not only are his Verse's a Mistake.....
this fool had to go back & Edit his Check-In"

Mystik Mind: "Its clear to see that fags arent wanted on this site...take a hike dude
And i cant contemplate the fact he has d/r...when none of RB likes you!"

Taktik v. Koncept (Do or Die Match)
Summary
Good match, I'd have voted for Koncept. . Taktik came mediocre at best, & surely needs to stop saying "herb" so much. Be consistent throughout all of your pieces and you'll be in great shape. Koncept came good, but - just because you know your opponent's first name, doesn't mean you have to say it at every chance. Really, how many times did you say "Ryan" in the course of sixteen lines? You showed me something, though, doode - good work. . very good work.

Highlights
Taktik: "So this is LLL's farewell for those herbs who dwell, how sad.....
You gangster? Only Click you Roll with is on your MousePad!!!....."

Koncept: "Ryan You're worthless, pitiful, and even STILL tryin to be funny.
Heh. If i gave you a penny for thought You Would Owe me Money..."

AMEND v. Island
Summary
El oh El - impressive, fellas. Killer lines from both with, honestly, not much to critique. Amend came with a more intelligent verse, but Island's was wittier - don't let that contradict itself. Hands down, best match of the week.

Highlights
AMEND: "Now Out Of The Boat, Its Sink Or Swim, & Since Ya Flow Is Solid
It Wont Take You 20.000 League's To Reach The Ocean's Bottom"

Island: "sayin "fuck, I's nice..." next time better check twice,
cuz my roots go back over 160 wins... his go back to head lice...

Understatement v. Edicius
Summary
"Slow down, take a look at what netcees are coming to. ." Gawd damn, Maven's first six lines were the wittiest I have seen in SOME time. Edicius was mediocre, at best; you really need to work on a lot of things. Not to discourage you or anything, but you need to give it time. Start with some fresher punches & be sure to word them absolutely perfectly. If you continued on the pace of your first six lines, Mave, you would have had the piece of the week, doode. Try to write everything like that.

Highlights
Understatement: "Ed's signing up for Topical classes so he can compete with the little tykes
even writing scripts inside of alldig, wouldn't make you dope at open mikes"

Edicius: "Dont start on the concept?,like bush spouting outdated cliches..
Maven,is honered under statements of wack peeps all the way"

A2Z v. Fgee
Summary
A2Z started out good, but quickly got too wordy and predictable. Model your whole verse after your first four lines for perfection. Fgee game good, but not great; the flow was a bit off, but you had some quotable lines that made up for them. Dope battle, fellas.

Highlights
A2Z: "Slowly Defeating Everyone, Every Regime Wants A Piece Of Me
But I Could Read The Regime Roster...And Add Inult to Injury!!"

Fgee: "no regretsâ€¦actually I feel ashamed
when u have killa kobra as a mentionable winâ€¦in a sig with my name"

Mystery~Murdera v. Geru V (Do or Die Match)
Summary
Geru, I stopped reading after the pubic hair/mom lines' effect on my brain. Some of your wording was actually pretty good, but you need fresh concepts direly. Mystery~Murdera came nice 'nough for the win, with some chuckle-worthy lines.

Highlights
Geru: "oh u guys are cool"

Mystery~Murdera: "Your flow is down the drain, literally - what'd you do to the plug?!
And kid name wise is only time u come correct... used to be an Herb... then Ge-Ru to a shrub"

Axe E. Um v. Capcom (Do or Die Match)
Summary
Capcom almost surprised me but ruined it by saying, "(get it?)" after one of his lines. Sorry, doode, that's a no-no! However, your elevation is evident & I'd be willing to critique for you any time 'cos you're not a lost cause. Axe came alright, but "deadline" excuses are whack. I'd probably vote for Capcom, actually - you need some fresh concepts, Axe.

Highlights
Capcom: "Without a doubt, Axe E. Um If he's an herb? He'll tell u a Lie
Gave em 2 free tickets to the W.E.C. & he took it as no surprise"

Axe E. Um: "Yea, I'm Postin' Lateâ€¦ But That's No Reason For A No-Show Verse.
The Post Order Predicted The Outcomeâ€¦ Yea, Cap Is Droppin' First."

JayPana v. Youngblood
Summary
The last match for me to cover - it's 11:03, & I see forty-two posts in the thread. Glorious, fellas. YAY! It was a biting incident. I mean, "Nooooo." Good thing it was, 'cos you came kind of soft, Jay. Peace.

[ Conclusion ]

There were quite a few movers and shakers this week on the league circuit. Evolve, Island, AMEND, Understatement, Dimense & Koncept thoroughly impressed me.

The league is, honestly, starting to shape up. The veterans showed up this week, & a hell of a lot of people have elevated immensely. Keep working at it, 'cos there is always a benefactor to good writing - no matter what field or job you choose to pursue. Thanks to everybody here at Rapbattles for providing me with a place to grow & advancing me on a positive route. Keep writing & put time into it - excuses make you look bad in personal lives, and especially bad on the Internet. Guh'luck to the site in general, & all'uh my boys. Let the administrators steer you in the right direction & keep thinking of innovative ideas - you can only get better. Respect, talent, peace. .