Park Life
 

Park Life

Its an emotional roller coaster I didn’t agree to board
A stroll in the parks core…surrounded by dark swords!
I need to be en guard more…don’t push me over the edge
I don’t start and end up benched…seated on false pretence
My vacant stare advertising life for rent…the body free of charge
I sit staring at the stars…hoping to be one, brightly marked
I don’t plan it to embark…but dreams rocket sky high
Into the glistening nights pride…its galactic jewels mesmerise
But like aspirations I cant touch the prize…so close and yet distant
Im a victim of the system….whims fall on deaf ears that listen
I utter words of fiction…my tongue just cant find its voice
Passers by complain about the noise…glares leave confidence destroyed
My head limply poised…falls into palms welcome hands
I cant meet expectations demands…running on an empty tank
I really hate to be frank…but a name change solves nothing
Ive been a cursed production…and life wont stop fucking!
Conceived to a life of busking…it beggars belief im breathing
I struggle to find a meaning…beyond the horizon of treaties
Surrounded by rows of tree leaves…at one with animals it’s a wild life
I simply pray for mild nights…but perhaps anguishs' numbed by frosts bite
I havent lost this fight despite…having memories jogged by the runners in this Park Life




replied to
avirex
baron
and handcuffs

This was a nice piece fgee ... Abstract ... Dope ... Flow was off a one point around the end ... But it didn't bring the quality of the piece down ... Imagery was highly dope in this piece ... To me that was the highlight of it as a whole ...

My vacant stare advertising life for rent…the body free of charge
I sit staring at the stars…hoping to be one, brightly marked

Those two lines there stucc out to me the most in this piece ... They were very deep and meaningful ... I seem to be able to relate to it a lot ... Any way ... Keep writin' man ... Peace

P.S. Wat's the deal on that collab we were discussin? PM me and we'll talk about it ... Peace

Sounds more like a poem but still real shit, yo

-Good flow
-Liked the ending
-The structure was ok
-Some nice use of metaphores
-Alright vocabulary (good use of discreptive words)

Overall I enjoyed this piece. Keep 'em comin' dogg!



Be sure to return the favor:
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this piece fgee was tight as hell
i'm liking this on da real keep'em comin i'll be back to read more

This Was Dope.. Good Concept And The
Topic, Though Seeming Hard To Work Worth..
Was Made Nice In Creative Ways. Good Multis
Backed This Piece Up And The Closer, Tho
A Bit Long, Was A Good Way To End This Piece

does noone get word play on this site???????

LMAO ... I don't know if this is wat U meant in this piece ... But to me it seemed that U were takin' the perspective of a rollercoaster ... cuz of lines like this ...

I need to be en guard more…don’t push me over the edge

I don’t plan it to embark…but dreams rocket sky high

Passers by complain about the noise…glares leave confidence destroyed

But like aspirations I cant touch the prize…so close and yet distant

Nah mean ... When I read those lines ... That's wat comes to my mind ... The perspective of a rollercoaster ... But I dunno ... Correct me if Im wrong ... Peace

i was referring life as roller coaster..
and the title is park life hence references to the roller coaster benches runners etc
there was lots of word play no seemed to pick up on or failed to mention.i dunno
thanks for the feedbak anyway

I picked up on it ... Juss didn't mention it ... But I did in that last reply I did to show you that I did ... Dope piece again ... Keep doin' ur thing ... Peace

Wow, impressive, I really enjoyed this piece. It was worded great. I felt the flo was easy to catch and the vocab was good. Good drop man 8/10 peace

i liked readin this.Sum key bars:

-I sit staring at the stars…hoping to be one, brightly marked
I don’t plan it to embark…but dreams rocket sky high
Into the glistening nights pride…its galactic jewels mesmerise
But like aspirations I cant touch the prize…so close and yet distant-

Those were ill as hell,sick metaphors.Good flow as well.Stay ^
-Avi

up

i actually got the word play on this piece, had a nice effect on the whole poem overall, certain lines you could really feel the ups and downs, and then the end was like the final drop comin back to the beginin("I really hate to be frank…but a name change solves nothing
Ive been a cursed production…and life wont stop fucking!
Conceived to a life of busking…it beggars belief im breathing
I struggle to find a meaning…beyond the horizon of treaties
Surrounded by rows of tree leaves…at one with animals it’s a wild life
I simply pray for mild nights…but perhaps anguishs' numbed by frosts bite
I havent lost this fight despite…having memories jogged by the runners in this Park Life") that there just seems like the payoff.
overall word play was great, awesome flow, structure was ok, good multis/similies. i fi was rating this 9/10-only b/c i really got into it. keep uppin, really enjoyed the piece

Nice dark abstract piece. Some really vivid vocabulary and description. I was thinking maybe you could thrown in maybe a longer bar somewhere rather then just the short bar after short bar. ]
'My vacant stare advertising life for rent…the body free of charge
I sit staring at the stars…hoping to be one, brightly marked'
lines like that showed you took some time rather then keying it all. very nice piece overall. 1

out of a ten, i'd give that shit a nine.nine. best i've seen in a while, there is always room to improve. keep postin'. loved it. i had to read it twice to understand the word play though.

~post on playa~

cheers
and up

this was a nice piece coz your flow was ill...the use of metas goin on to each line was nice...like you did four words that related,rhymed and conectec the sentences
ya followed the topic sick aswell.......very nice

MAKE SURE YA HIT UP THE COLLAB IN MA SIG.....CHEERS..PZ

sort of good.
sort of random.
i think you have
the potential to
write something
a lot more thought
out. park life
just didn't seem to
be something that
would make me
write any more
than this.

fair enuff
last up

"I don’t plan it to embark…but dreams rocket sky high
Into the glistening nights pride…its galactic jewels mesmerise
But like aspirations I cant touch the prize…so close and yet distant
Im a victim of the system….whims fall on deaf ears that listen"-

This line did everthing... methaphorical, creativity, structure, flow...
It's all there, good concepts too... you based your peice on a old topic (lifes a rollercoaster, heard it all before) ... an brought fresh meaning to it... not many can do that... good read from a good post... uppin.

It wasnt a bad piece to be fair, i caught on to most of the wordplay in this, the flow started off strong but gradually fell off as it carried on, you had a couple of nice idea's in there, but you ruined them with your transition, rather than working with one concept then moving on gradually, you seemed to skip from idea to idea with no real content inbetween to link the throughts together. You had the basics down, but still, more internals would of strengthened the flow to this piece, and if you re-worded a few of the bars slightly they would give off more of an 'impact' if you will on the viewer as they read it. All in all this wasnt bad, a few flaws here and there you need to iron out, but that'll come with practice, the potentials there, just build on it.

Peon!