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The Clown of His Own Life
he has trouble getting passed his ugly past
his own life trespassed him, hard to compare and contrast what's going on with this life strifes for high but ends up a lowlife so he reaches for his jackknife his mind is way off course forced straight into the source of his only friend remorse he thinks it's him that his own life's looking down on him hanging high on the rim, he's inches from falling off the limb he's a victim for being a prisoner to himself so oneself shoves his whole future into somebody else's shelf his own mind died down he's a thumbs-down, his muscles shutdown as his body clampsdown he's just a clown that's gone a lot wacky his eye sight's blurry because his tears running out fiercely he tries so hard to try to get control of his problem but his ignorace gets the better of his wisdom now he's living below the bottom of his own scrotum the volume of his own welcome kills him like it was a snake's venom |
aright i'm uppin for honest feedback .. good or bad is welcomed .. get at me!
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if yall people gonna peep this thread .. at least give feedback! come on! get at me!
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I LIKE IT A LIL SHORT BUT WORDPLAY AND DESCRIPTIVE CONTENT I LIKE THAT ALOT
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i guess that was feedback .. {hmm} oh well .. thanks for at least peepin it and sayin some'm .. aright yall .. uppin! get at me!
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Yo I liked the wordplay and flow in this. It was descriptive like Word Perfect said which is a good point.
It woulda been better if more emotion went into it. I wasnt really feelin that this subject was personal to you. It seemed like you just put what came into your head down. Thats my opinion anyway...other people might disagree. Overall...good word but could be improved. 6/10 |
he has trouble getting passed his ugly past
his own life trespassed him, hard to compare and contrast POETIC AND GRAPHIS RELATIVE TO ANY READER SO YOU GOT THE ATTENTION. what's going on with this life strifes for high but ends up a lowlife so he reaches for his jackknife his mind is way off course forced straight into the source of his only friend remorse he thinks it's him that his own life's looking down on him hanging high on the rim, he's inches from falling off the limb he's a victim for being a prisoner to himself so oneself shoves his whole future into somebody else's shelf AGAIN VERY RALATIVE TO ANY PERSON GOING THROUGH STRIFE INCOUNTERING THE SILIQUIY WITHIN. his own mind died down he's a thumbs-down, his muscles shutdown as his body clampsdown DIDNT LIKE THE REUSE OF DOWN IN THIS BAR. he's just a clown that's gone a lot wacky his eye sight's blurry because his tears running out fiercely DOESNT FIT RHYME...... he tries so hard to try to get control of his problem but his ignorace gets the better of his wisdom now he's living below the bottom of his own scrotum the volume of his own welcome kills him like it was a snake's venom MAKES ALOT OF SENCE BUT FALLOWS A VERY WEAK RHYME STRUCTURE . IT WAS AN ILL READ LIKE I SAID BUT NEEDS IMPROVMENT SWITCHING FROM ABSTRACT AND BASIC RHYME IS HARD ENOUGH BUT MAKING IT OBVIOUS MAKES IT EASY TO CRITIQUE NEGATIVE.YOU GOT TALENT THATS OBVIOUS JUST BRUSH UP A LIL BIT. |
ay thanks fo the feedback yall! helps a lot .. i apreciate all of this feedback i'm gettin from yall 2 .. i'm working on another one .. it'll be longer than this .. i'll see how long i can get it to be .. but it won't be to long .. and LM .. you got me on point .. it wasn't really personal to me .. it was just something that came in my head .. you got some sense for these things .. keep yo game tight .. get at me! still uppin!
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Nice wordplay and the way you descrive shyt is tight. Keep it up~
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that wasn't really feedback .. but i'll take it .. aright .. uppin!
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7/10
man, this piece was pretty dope only thing is, is that it seems to get worse as you go along try to put as much effort into the end as you did the beginning it would be really nice keep postin' |
^^ aright aright .. that's feedback HaycH! aright aright .. coo coo .. i'm feelin the feedback .. next time i'll go and do that .. get at me! uppin!
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good shit
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It was straight, you could use more vocab and more wordplay. I think anything is good, as long you put your mind into it. So keep elevaten, and go people my flow. It is hot...
PEACE -High Class a.k.a Confusion |
aright aright .. get at me! uppin!
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nice
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:whacky: come on people .. dont get shy on me na .. still uppin for real feedback .. get at me! uppin!
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Hey, can you post up who you replied to?
Rules Thread Link - More Information On It Can Be Found Here Thanks Man. |
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"do they HAVE to be OPEN MICS? can they be POETIC SCRIPTURE replies?" :confused: |
yea homie it came out fresh i like dat get at me iight one
Supreme Da Ghost |
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there's the 3 links to my replies of other open mics .. took me a while to find em .. but i found em .. get at me! aright yall .. i'm still uppin! |
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^Very good review. One thing I suggest is work on your structure... Return the favor: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=93392 |
.. uhm .. aright then .. it's feedback .. i guess .. uppin! get at me!
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Yo!!! Whats good playa???!!!!
Yea yea yea, this was a pretty hot drop son. You had mad good word play wich lead to a nice vision and feeling of this peice. You can feel the tone and the energy of this drop wich was tiight. Keep doin yo thang and elivate'n. Be easy son and holla at me, 1 |
i'm feelin the feedback fellaz .. keep em comin as long as this thread is still open .. get at me! uppin!
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Hey this shit was hot. good word play. very descriptive. keep droppin. overall 7/10.
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aright . . may be if yall fellaz gave good feedback as in my downfalls . . and what i did good . . that would help a lot . . but aright . . i'm still uppin fellaz . . and ladies . . if any happen to drop in and take a peep . . get at me! uppin!
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i like the topic you chose... some people really feel that way but hide it from everybody... it was strong in the beginning and started straying from everything that was making it a GREAT read toward the end. Saty focused... it's okay to go back and rewrite stuff if you feel it ain't right... you'll know when it's right!... it's like they say, you're usually ya own worst critic!... if you think it's garbage or sounds like sum'n you wouldn't listen to from another artist then chuck it... at the same time ya gotta remember to stay original and build ya own style... don't copy what others do but expand and create off of the greats... keep that whole vivid vocab selection and imagery you were using in the beginning... buld off of that since that seems to be your strong point... then you can work on ya focus.... ya gotta stay on the subject and it's gotta flow...like a movie.... when ya got those two things down you can work on ya structure to bring everything together... omma real critical type of guy and i go over my own stuff worse than anyone i know.... also remember that when ya gotta title like the one you had ya hafta think about the length of the rhyme... this was entirely too short and should have been worked on more thoroughly.... if you would have taken ya time to write this i'm sure it would have been a lot better...it wasn't bad... but it still needs work.... keep writin' dawg! as long as you view these critiques as sum'n that'll help you in the long run you'll be fine
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^^right there is what i was lookin fo yall! that's "FEEDBACK" . . SHUT the "i liked this peice a lot . . i give it a 7/10" bullshit! thank you D.I.G.z for giving that well written feedback . . now i'd like to see feedback just like that . . and try not to quote off somebody that already has . . that's just telling me you really don't have your own mind . . but thanks for the feedback D.I.G.z! i apreciate that! get at me! uppin! :thumbup:
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