trapped (please dont sleep)
 

im new to rb but i wrote this yest. and would really appreciate feedback..

i cried me a river that led to an ocean
spilled all my feelings and spread out my emotions
you told me you loved me so i let my heart open
then you said it was over leaving me crushed and broken

i tried building a bridge that would cover the pain
but in the past you walked across it and took all i had to gain
you got to the other side before i had a chance to change
and once again walked away leaving me full of shame

i threw my tears in the river along with my soul
and let the currents flow take total control
as i slowly walked across, the swinging bridge couldnt hold
all the weight i was still carrying, so it began to fold

i felt the rope shaking from this side to that side
so i turned and looked back and saw you trying to hide
i realized you were pulling me back, making it even harder to try
so i stopped trying to run i decided just fight it back or die

i pushed you back trying to get out of your sight
but you shoved me over the rope, i started praying for life
then you reached out for my hand trying to make things alright
i trusted you one last time, and you watched me fall thru the night

i hit the water like concrete; gasping for some air
waves crashing me against the rocks slamming me here to there
then you dove in swimming after me like you cared
and i tumbled down a waterfall, why cant this be a nightmare?

after the long drop everything became calm and smooth
and i attempted to get out the water but i was struggling to move
finally, i was washed onto a shore, all broken and bruised
i freelycrawled on the beach, and vaguely still saw an image of u

CAN I EVER ESCAPE YOUR PAINFUL PLEASURE?
OR AM I TRAPPED IN THIS ENDLESS TORTURE FOREVER?


thanks...

damn im loving your structure the first and the last paragraphs are what im feeling the most ..shyt was deep i know how it feels ..been going thru some shyt myself..figure'd id give u feed back the title fits the poem perfectly and im glad it was worth taking the time out to read

aww thanks, yea its just everything i felt the past year, you know, its really not about a certain person its more love in general, afraid to make that extra step, but afraid to lose...

waitin for more replies;
newbie needs advice...thanks..

you show alot of talent for a newbie!
this piece was full of emotion
and you showed it well
your flow was basic but didnt take away from the piece
and structure was simple as well
your message was strong
and you didnt play it out making it long with out any change
kept us interested and made new changes to keep us reading
your ending was good
but i felt your intro could be improved a bit more
and your vocab too.
nice piece

~Tera~
DONT HATE

this was nice i gotta say also it did have alote of emotiom....nice image of the poem...great stuff keep it up...


peace

thanks...


waitin for more replies..

damn...for a newb you really brought a lot of power in your words...good creative thoughts you kept the reader motivated and captured which is hard...keep it up mayn...peep my stuff thanks

HELL I KNOW WOT UR SAYIN HERE. BEIN IN LOVE CAN BE UP AND DOWN. IM LIKIN THIS PIECE MAN. SHOWN GREAT EMOTION IN A STRONG CIRCUMSTANCE. SWEET DAWG

PEACE OUT.

thanks..any more..thoughts??and rule ill check ya stuff...

if you are a girl then i really liked it kna mean but if your a guy then you need to man up bitch kna mean, it was real good it shows how some niggas can be kna mean keep postin more positive shit like this and move on with ya life ma kna mean

(crossing fingers hoping it's a chick lmao)

yea its a chick lol...

blynded hit me up ma kna mean so we can convo

damn, this shit come from the heart and if I was dumb like dat, I'd say dat the shit you said was real. But 4real off the hypothetical tip, yo shit is real. Keep it up

thanks everyone ill keep ya tips in mind...
til next time...

just wonderin but is there anymore?

come on there has got to be more feedback..anyone??

YO IWOULD SAY ITS A MASTER PIECE
SO KEEP IT UP
AND ONE DAY U WILL BE LENGENDARY
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

thanks.. but can someone poss advise me on structure and all for future references..please..

iT WAS PRETTY NICE....PIECE I WAS FEELIN IT

fa real, im feelin the poem. the vocab was good, the metas and similes were sadly painting a picture of hurt and mistrust. the flow was strong at times and then sumtimes got a lil off beat, but hey perfect flow is hard to get. overall id give it a 9.9, beatiful imagery gave it life, and emotion but the tale gave it enough activity that it kept peoples attention. great poem, one of the best ive seen. i would say to keep it up, but i think u already know that. o, and ure from VA? me too, wat part u from?

hey...i just wanted to say you show mad talent and that i think u got mad skills and thats gonna take u places...if u let it...but yea keep writing and i'll be sure to read em cuz i can already tell i'm gonna luv ur stuff.peace

thanks for all the advice..is there anyone else that would
like to say anything?? to help me build up on it???

i loved the structure of this and the way it all flowed

thanks...

im not going to lie, i did not have the time to read it all. . it was to long. i read the first few paragraphs/ stanzas, and it was alright. structure was good, rhyming was fine, overall nice job. i liked how you walked over the bridge and through the river cried. . :)

would give a longer more detailed reply but im replying to a lot in here now & dont have time. -FM

nice shit

your being banned as we speak...^^^^^hotyrod

damn shit was ill kna mean,shit was on point with all the emotions
you sounded like your heart was put into it deeply overall shit was ill..........9/10

This was a good write, I felt the power packed into the words.. You got your point across really good. . . I felt the emotion.. Overall good poem.. Keep this up

nice message in a well thought out piece.....there wasn't alot of intricacy in this but it really didn't need any.......

i cried me a river that led to an ocean
spilled all my feelings and spread out my emotions
you told me you loved me so i let my heart open
then you said it was over leaving me crushed and broken

^the opener grabbed my attention....i think i caught the theme of something/someone lost right away........very enjoyable beginning the words flowed well both to my eyes and my ears

i threw my tears in the river along with my soul
and let the currents flow take total control
as i slowly walked across, the swinging bridge couldnt hold
all the weight i was still carrying, so it began to fold

the river metaphore through me for a bit......but after i re-read it i understood that you were seperated from your soul.....nice....shows a lot of depth.....poetry should have layers if it didn't then what would be the purpose of writing?.........

after the long drop everything became calm and smooth
and i attempted to get out the water but i was struggling to move
finally, i was washed onto a shore, all broken and bruised
i freelycrawled on the beach, and vaguely still saw an image of u

CAN I EVER ESCAPE YOUR PAINFUL PLEASURE?
OR AM I TRAPPED IN THIS ENDLESS TORTURE FOREVER?

now this is where i start to see things in my own experiences through your words.....you aren't trapped in the traditional sense...you are trying to escape not only yourself but your "pursuer" as well......your own greatest enemy is yourself......at least i think so....overall i think this is a very good piece put together by an intelligent and sensitive poet.....much respect

I'm so proud of you. THAT WAS THE BEST SHIT I'VE HEARD FROM YOU!! I'm speechless. I really don't know what to say. The way you expressed it was just ..perfect. I dont think you could've done it any better. Keep it up. i'll holla atcha later...

yea surprise..kid got skills too...well thanks erryone for the vice..ill work on it to keep elevatin..

yea no doubt that was a solid verse

shit was nice...emotions were felt...you are insanely powerful with your words...ish nice mOs dEfF...keep doin ya thang...STAY UP